Landon's Two Month Update

So this is technically going to be called Landon's 2 month update. But considering he is about to be 3 months old this Friday, I suppose it would be more his three month update. It can be whatever you want it to be.

 

 

Where do I even began? So much has happened this past month I don't even know how to sum it all up. I guess I will start with the biggest change. My last post described my battle with my own inner demon named Postpartum Depression. She is a lunatic and horrible to live with. She is something I would not wish on anyone in this entire world. But she is something I am slowly shutting the door on. Shortly after my post I went to the therapist. That was sort of a let down, not because anything really went wrong, just simply because...nothing really happened. The guy listened to my problems and then told me to ask my doctor for medication and if I wanted to "talk to someone" to call back and they would set me up with someone on the other side of Las Vegas and I would get in to see them "eventually" . I was just not in the mood to go out of my way to talk to someone "eventually". I was able to talk to my OBGYN and get prescribed Zoloft.

 

As soon as I filled the prescription I began taking it with the hope that it would work. And it did. In a short period of time I felt tremendously better. I have taken it every day at the exact same time(which is a big deal for me) and it has already worked so well. I still have my bad days but it is not every day and it is never as bad as it used to be. I am so happy that I was able to find a way out of the dark hole I found myself in. I am so thankful that I had a supportive family that let me work through it and didn't treat me like the horrible person I felt like I was.

 

Because I started on medication, I chose to stop breastfeeding. I had a really tough time with feeling like a failure. I wanted so badly to make it work. But it just got to be too much. I could barely keep myself functioning, let alone deal with the constant feeding and pumping and everything that goes along with it. As much as I hated the feeling of letting myself and my child down by stopping breastfeeding, it felt like such a relief when I put the pump away for the final time. I could focus on my baby and not worry about if he was eating enough or if it would hurt when he latched or "I am so tired but I have to pump before I can go to sleep.". I am still a big supporter of breastfeeding, even with my somewhat bad experience. Even with all the pain and stress, I loved feeding Landon and knowing he needed me and wanted to be held close. If we are blessed with future children I will try and breastfeed them also. I do not have any resentment towards breastfeeding and pray the next time with be a better experience for both of our sakes. I still have moments where I feel a sting of jealousy when I see a mother nursing. I wish it had worked out and I could still be doing it. But I tell myself that my baby is perfectly fine on formula and is no less happy.

 

 

Speaking of my little dude. My gosh! What a change in a month. In the last month he has gotten such a personality. His gummy smile is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Right now he is working on laughing. He tries so hard to laugh but just can't get it out. The couple times he has laughed while asleep have melted my heart. He has such an appetite too. He would eat all day if you let him, and he loves watching other people eat noisy foods(think slurping pasta and crunching chips). He does NOT like when daddy pretends to cry loudly. Or to be cold. Or if you take a second to long to do something. Impatient little guy, I have no idea where he gets it from. You still can not make him do anything like smile or look at you if he does not want to. He will be smiling for 10 minutes and the second you tell him to smile one more time, he will stare at you with such a serious face it will make YOU smile. 

 

He is trying to figure out how to move and it really pisses him off that he can't. He knows how to scoot his butt but his arms will not cooperate. So he ends up looking like an inch worm. He will just kind of inchworm his way around until he tires himself out. The boy can talk your ear off too. Last night he legitimately told me all about his day for about 5 minutes. It was adorable. He just babbled and babbled and babbled some more. All with a big smile on his face. Then suddenly just stopped talking and went to eating his hand. The best feeling in the world is him sleeping on my chest. Sometimes he does not want to be anywhere else but on my chest. He will be fussing and I will put him on me, and he instantly relaxes and starts snoring. I could stay like that forever. I miss him so much when I am at work but it just makes the time I do have with him so special.

 

I was offered full time at work so I work every day except Tuesday and Wednsday. So that adds to my missing him, but Kevin got laid off back in September so I am doing what has to be done. I go to work and he watches Landon. Everybody and their mother has something to say about the fact I am working and he is not but I truly don't care. If he was working as well, we would have to pay for childcare or stress out about our shifts working out perfectly. I am jealous of the fact he gets to snuggle Landon all day but I know Landon is in great hands. I talk to them on every break I have and all the way home. Plus I get pictures anytime I ask. I can understand other people may not see it the way I see it but I just don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. I am lucky enough to have a good job I love. He does not have the best luck with jobs.

 

So instead of us fighting with eachother over stress and me tearing him down, it just makes more sense to just do what has to be done for our son. If Kevin gets a job then we will make it work. But until then, as long as our bills are paid and we have food and whatever Landon needs, then I do not mind being the one to work.  He is the one who makes dinner and does whatever chores need to be done while I cuddle with Landon every night, so I do not feel taken advantage of. Maybe I sound like I am just making excuses, I am not trying to. I am just trying to explain that I know "tradition" says that he should be working but I do not see it that way. It means much more to me that a man takes care of me by making me dinner when I am too tired to do it. Letting me take a hot bath while he watches the baby. Tells me I am beautiful and can do anything I set my mind to. Doesn't hesitate to help me out with a crafting project because I am overwhelmed with it. Kevin does all of that and more so why would I throw that away because I happen to have a job and he doesn't.

 

I would rather be on a limited income and amazingly happy with my family, than to have millions of dollars and be miserable and treated badly. I have seen how men can treat women and what they can take from them. I am smart enough to appreciate what is and isn't important to me.

Annnnyyywaayy, kind of went off the path for a second. To sum it all up, this month has been great. I love my family and I can't wait to update you all on how much Landon has grown next month. And now for what everyone truly wants. PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

P.S- I seriously hate how my writing gets all pushed together and looks horribly edited.

When Normal Doesn't Feel Normal Anymore (Postpartum Depression)

      While I was writing my last post there was a lot of things I wanted to say but decided not to. I guess I didn't want to be thought off as a complainer or like I am not happy to be a mother.  That is not the case at all. I am completely in love with Landon and there is never a day I feel otherwise.  With that being said, in the beginning I couldn't figure out why if I am so happy with Landon....why am I so depressed? It started out small. I would cry very easily and had moments where I got a bit pissy. It was small enough that I was able to label it as hormones and push it aside. But every day that passed, I felt worse and worse. I would get angry at anyone that looked at me wrong. Heck, I would get angry even if they were not even looking at me. I would burst into tears if anyone asked me anything. Eventually, I would start crying even if nothing was even happening. Obviously this started taking a toll on Kevin and I. Kevin has been so supportive of me but a person can only take so much. He would go to hug me and I would push him away and snap at him for no reason. Even the most supportive person eventually starts getting upset when they think you are just being mean.


     Then at my 6 week appointment(it was actually before that due to me having to go back to work on October 7th) I took a questionare that tallied up your chances of having postpartum depression. I answered honestly and well....the only question that I did not mark "yes" to was the "Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child?" Even as unstable as I am, I have never thought about hurting my baby or myself. That is a plus I suppose. My doctor gave me a number to call to set up an appointment. It is set for October 9th. A big part of me wants to hide under a rock and never go. But I know that I need to make sure I am healthy for my son. Me feeling the way I do will only hurt him in the end. I want to be healthy and happy and that will not happen if I just pretend I am fine when I am not. I can tell myself I am just being dramatic but if I could stop feeling the way I do, then I would. So if I am unable to then maybe there is a reason why.


    Some days are better than others. Some days I wake up and go the whole day simply feeling...I don't even know what word to use. I guess sad would be the word. Sad but not really sad about anything in particular. Just the feeling. But I brush it to the back of my mind as best as I can and focus on Kevin and Landon to get through the day. They are the only thing to make me smile lately so I try to think about them and nothing else that is swirling around my mind. Those days are better than the other kinds of days. The other kinds of days make me feel like I will never feel better. On those days I am stuck in a fog of anger, tears, and being overwhelmed.

     I am not a violent person in the least bit. I never have been, no matter what. But on these days I literally get so angry that I have thoughts of punching walls.  Of course I never do because that would be ridiculous of me to hit something. I have seen peoples anger cause structual damage and it has always annoyed me to no end so I am not about to be that person. Still though, even simply having those thoughts catches me off guard since I have never gotten that angry before. But in these moments, even if nothing is around to make me mad, I suddenly am pissed and want to hit something. Even when I am not wanting to hit something, I am thinking mean thoughts. A random passerby will be in my way and my first thought is how much of an idiot they are and to get the heck out of my way(not thought that nicely). I don't even realize I am thinking that until it has already played. Or someone is trying to say hi to me and I think how they need to shut the fudge up and go away. The crazy thing is that nobody knows I even have these thoughts because I am so good at keeping my mouth shut. I have mean thoughts all day long but never say a word so nobody has any idea. It makes me feel really guilty because none of these people deserve it and I don't know why I think like this.


    It is not always anger though. More often it is tears. That is what clued my mother in before I was ever diagnosed. She would ask me a simple question and I would burst into tears. Or my feelings would get hurt when nobody was even insulting me. I probably cry atleast once a day at this point. If I magically go a day without crying, it seems the next day I cry twice the amount to make up for it. Sometimes I annoy myself because I can't even talk without crying. I am so tired of always trying to hide my face when I am hysterically crying in public. I can feel people's eyes on me, probably thinking Kevin is being a jerk or something. I sometimes feel like nobody cares that I cry anymore because I do it so much. I know if all someone did was cry whenever I talked to them, I would either not want to talk to them or when I did and they started crying, it would not even phase me anymore. I don't like that. I want to cry and people care. And it does not feel like that anymore. Heck, I don't even care when I cry anymore. I just get so sad sometimes and then the tears start flowing and then I feel worse because I am once again being a cry baby.


    Ontop of the anger and crying, the other biggest thing is the overwhelming anxiety. If anything...that is the worst. I can deal with being pissy. I can deal with crying. But when the anxiety hits it literally feels like the world is caving in. The other night I was taking a bath and was perfectly fine. Kevin walked in and told me that our landlord had asked me to write up something for her. It was going to be no more than a paragraph. I lost my mind. Burst into tears and was completely overwhelmed. It truly felt like I had millions of things to do and was exhausted. He asked me what I had to do other than that, and I realized I did not actually have that much to do. But it felt like it. I was suddenly so tired and could not focus on what I needed to do. I was so anxious for no reason and it happened in a split second and lasted the rest of the night. I felt like I was being attacked from all angles and would never get everything done. That was just one example. I have many days where Landon will be perfectly fine and then I will have a thought about his possibly choking while I am sleeping and I will be terrified for hours. He is fine yet I can't calm down. When I go to work, I have this fear that something will happen to Kevin and Landon while I am gone and it will be all my fault for leaving. It will be all I can think about until I get home where they are perfectly fine and nothing is wrong. Then I feel like an idiot. I have this horrible thought that CPS will show up and take him from us for me being a crap mother. I know deep down that CPS has actual bad mothers to worry about and nobody is going to take my baby for me crying a lot. Even when I am having a bad day, I still take care of him and he does not suffer. I know that deep down, yet in those moments it is terrifying. I hate when I feel anxious because it is so scary to think about ALL the bad things that can happen to me, Kevin, and Landon. Not to mention how exhausting it obviously gets after awhile. Nobody should constantly be worried about stuff happening that has little to no chance of ever occurring.


   I know one day I will feel better. One day I will not be so overwhelmed and emotional. I keep getting told it happens to many women. That is a nice thought and all. Why me though? Why did it have to happen to me? I do not want to feel this way. I want to be happy and fun and make everyone like being around me. I do not want to randomly be depressed or angry. I do not want to have trouble thinking because my mind is foggy. I want the headaches to go away. I am thankful I am not worse, for example hitting people or being downright vicious or hurting myself. I know some women deal with that stuff and I am glad I caught it in time. I just want to feel better. I want to be strong for my family.

 This was a really hard post to write. I want this blog to be a happy place but I know that this is a problem that is kept secret far too often and if someone who is dealing with PPD sees this, I want them to know they are not alone and to be honest with themselves as well. It is scary to admit that you are hurting. I am very scared of being judged or people thinking I need to be supervised with Landon. I am not a danger to anyone, I just am really sad. But I am always scared to be honest with people because I feel like they might think I am. I will get through this, I am determined to. I will go to the mental health appointment tomorrow and I will do whatever I have to do to fix this problem. My son deserves a mother that is happy and healthy so I will make sure I am that for my family and myself.

One Month Pictures

Landon's First Month

This past month has been a lot of learning for everyone. Many tears have been shed by me out of fear and frustration. I did not expect to be so overwhelmed by everything. I have had many moments where I feel like I am just failing miserably and Landon will hate me forever.
I have had many moments where I am so stressed, that I don't think of the obvious solution to the problem. For example, our first trip to walmart left me and Landon hysterical because I was so overwhelmed by him being hungry that I didn't even think to take him out of his stroller and hold him until I was able to feed him.  As soon as he was held he stopped crying and I felt horrible for not thinking of it myself.

I am not saying all this to complain. I would gladly take all the frustration over and over for him. I am simply being honest.  This month has been hard and it has been scary and it has been exhausting. But it has also been amazing. Every day I become more and more confident in my ability to care for him. I learn more about Landon's personality and adapt to his likes and dislikes. I learn to take a breath and just stare at him thinking about how much I love him. I slowly have figured out ways to make everyones life easier and stopped trying to be perfect. I have learned about what the book says I should be doing and what I know is right for my son as his mother. I know there will always be bad days thrown into the good ones but I am trying to take each day as a learning experience and just do what I need to do to get through it.

My brain is a fog lately but I am going to try and give updates on various things as best as I can.

My healing has been going really well. Right after I gave birth I had trouble peeing and I swore I would never leave the hospital.  But eventually I was able to do what I had to do. The nurses pushing on my stomach hurt like hell and I understand why everyone hates it now. The first two weeks were horrible when it came to getting out of bed.  I felt horrible because it would take me about five minutes to get up and do something. I hated moving so slow but if I moved any faster the pain made me regret it.  I had heard great things about that numbing spray but it didn't really do anything for me. The Tux pads however,  AMAZING! I loved them and will definitely be stocking up with the next baby. Even though recovery hurt, I am thankful it was not as bad as it could have been. And one day it just didn't hurt as bad and every day after has gotten increasingly better.

My whole life I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I loved how much it could be beneficial for baby. I loved how much it can do for the mother and bonding the two. So my whole pregnancy I told myself and everyone else I would breastfeed. Landon came out and started eating like a champ. I was so proud of myself. As the weeks went on I encountered trouble. Breastfeeding became horrible.  I was in so much pain everytime he ate and the entire time he ate,  that it made me fear the next time he would get hungry. I began to hate breastfeeding because it caused me such pain which caused Landon to not get enough because I could not wait until he would finish and the pain would stop. One night when Landon was crying with hunger and I was in tears in pain and feeling frustrated, I decided to give him a sample I had gotten of formula. He was instantly happy. I felt like I had failed because I wanted to feed him only from me. I felt like I had let both of us down. But after talking to Kevin and my mom about it, I realized I had to do what was necessary for my own sanity. Making myself miserable would not benefit him. I also realized that just because I give him formula does not mean I can't still give him breastmilk. I got some formula and started giving it to him along with feeding him breastmilk as much as I could with a pump.  It turns out that he had a case of thrush and that, mixed with normal cracked nipples, is what made the experience so painful. He got started on medicine and since then, feeding him has not had any pain. Unfortunately my supply plummeted due to feeding him formula and not pumping as much as I should have. I know if I work my butt off I could increase it but since I am going back to work, I just decided to continue with formula and maintain the supply I currently have. So he gets mainly formula,  bottles of breastmilk when I pump it, and I try to feed him from me as much as possible because now that the pain is gone, I truly enjoy spending that time close with him. I wish thrush had been the first thing I had looked for and maybe I would not have been that in pain and he could have been solely breastfed. But I did what felt right for us and we both have been happier since. I still have moments where I feel like I failed him but I try to tell myself that as long as my baby is fed, I have not failed him.

Kevin and I have definitely had to adjust to not only being a couple but also parents. We have had to figure out how to balance eachother and a new baby who always needs us. The tiredness definitely adds stress and makes us snap at eachother occasionally. But we know how important it is that we keep our relationship strong so when we are really stressed, we try to take a deep breath and hug it out. All stress aside, he has been incredible this past month. I have cried many times for no reason simply due to hormones and he has comforted me every time. He has told me many times how amazing a mother I am and it helps my confidence a lot. He is great with Landon and it really does make me love him even more. We both have no idea what we are doing but we are sticking together as we figure it out. I cant imagine what it is like for the women who do not have a supportive significant other. I truly feel lucky to have someone who will hold my hand when I feel overwhelmed and tell me it will be alright and we will get through it together. He is so incredible and I fall more and more in love with him every day.

I also have to give my mother credit.  She has been right next to Kevin giving me support.  I have cried many a times in her presence as well. She has been the one teaching me that I don't have to follow the books, just do what is right for my son. Anytime I have a question about something,  I go to her and she gives me an honest answer. She is who actually told me I was right about his thrush. I am just so thankful for her as well and believe our relationship has grown as well as she teaches me what she knows. Just like Kevin and I, my mom and I are trying to figure out how our relationship works as well. She has always been the "mother" and had to do everything.  So now she is trying to learn how to be the "Nana" and let me be his mother. I am trying to learn that I do not have to feel like a sister when she helps me. I am his mother and he knows that. His love for his Nana will not take away from his love for me.  I know she has trouble with letting me be a mother but not wanting me to be overwhelmed because she is still my mother. I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be a mother and everything she dealt with for me and my brothers. After dealing with a normal baby crying at night,  I can't imagine the stress my colic caused her.

This month has been a rollercoaster, but it has been worth every second and I cant wait to see what the next month brings.

Landon's Birth Story

I spent months preparing for him. Weeks telling myself my body was defective and he would never come. Days trying to figure out just what I needed to do to meet him. But it took seconds to fall in love with him. Everything everyone said about love. Everything I was terrified of not feeling, I understand now.

August 27th

Kevin had the day off work so we were spending the day together. I was feeling down because I still had not shown any signs of labor and I felt huge and sore. We had to pick up a money order for rent and some milk so we headed to Walmart. I was enjoying being out of the house and walking so as we were leaving,  I made the comment that I really wanted to keep walking but it was so hot outside. He asked if I wanted to drop the milk off at home and then walk around the mall. I said yes and within the hour we were walking into the mall. We ended up spending about five hours there walking around the stores, trying the new shake store they had just opened, and talking about the future.  It was an extremely great day and little did we know, it would be the last day we had before things got exciting.

In the late afternoon we left the mall and went home. All the walking left us both tired so we just relaxed for the rest of the night.

August 28th

I woke up at 4 am and needed to use the bathroom.  As I went to wipe I noticed there was a little bit of blood. I got really excited about the possibility of something happening soon and couldn't wait for Kevin to wake up so I could tell him. I went back to bed, expecting to go right back to sleep. That is when I noticed my stomach really hurt. I could not sleep due to the pain so I got up and went to the living room. As I was sitting there I decided to time the pains. I was not expecting them to be exactly five minutes apart. I continued to time them for the next few hours. Around 8am I went into the bedroom and laid with Kevin. After awhile of laying down, I realized my contractions were 3/4 minutes apart. I decided we needed to head towards the hospital.  I had a doctor's appointment at 3pm so I figured if my contractions stopped then I would go to the doctor's.  If they didn't then I would go to the hospital.

  Kevin and I rode the bus there and I knew I needed to eat in case I got admitted. I tried my hardest to eat something from McDonald's but the constant pains left me without an appetite.  I ate what I could and decided that I would not make it to my appointment.  Even though it was obvious something was happening,  I still kept feeling like it wasn't real and I was just being a wuss. Even while I am on the side of the road breathing through the pain, I don't trust my own instinct. I ended up being that woman the nurses are staring at when I walked through the doors of Labor and Delivery and suddenly doubled over in pain. Once I was able to stand up again, they immediately got me into a bed. I was checked and they said I was at a 3 dilated. The doctor on call told me I could be awhile since it was my first baby.

  I could tell he wanted to send me home to progress but after hearing I rode the bus,  they gave me an hour to see if I dilated anymore and when I did, they admitted me. After this point honestly everything got blurry. I don't know why it feels this way but it is almost like I wasn't really there. Maybe it is due to the pain or exhaustion. In a way I feel like I was rushed. I was barely in the room and they were telling me about getting started on pitocin and breaking my water. They told me the epidural guy would be in after my water was broken. Ii did not mind the epidural but was not sure why I was getting pitocin when I had not even had a chance to labor.  Even when I was on the pitocin, they kept upping the dose. I would say what I thought it was at and Kevin would tell me it was higher. It was really confusing. A part of me feels like I should not have been rushed like that but it was not really traumatic do I am not really that upset. It was just strange. After I had gotten admitted, Kevin called my mom and they stayed by my side the whole time.My grandparents came up and visited for awhile before going to sleep at my mother's house for the night.

Each time I got checked they told me I was closer and closer to meeting my baby. I kept telling myself I was so close to what I had been waiting for. As I was laying there,  a pain in my hip kept getting worse. I told the nurses and they tried to help but the pain soon became horrendous. The epidural did not work in that one spot. Pitocin as high as possible, contractions back to back, and I can feel it in my hip. It was horrible. The nurse told me to do some practice pushes and after awhile mom and Kevin said they could see his head as it moved down. The nurse left to call the doctor.

August 29th

I was so close to being done and all I wanted was to push my baby out and meet this precious baby boy. I had my eyes closed so I could focus but I listened to mom and Kevin as they told me how well I was doing and how close he was. I let it motivate me to push as hard as I could.  I could do this. Finally I heard someone tell me to open my eyes. I did and watched Landon come out and be put on my chest. He looked nothing like I had imagined yet he was perfect in my eyes. I looked up at Kevin and his face was pure love. They took Landon to be weighed. Mom went with him and I gripped Kevin's hand for dear life as the placenta was delivered and I was sewed up. After we were both done with what had to be done,  they brought him over and I got to hold my sweet little boy.












I am pleased to formally introduce the newest member of this blog.










Landon L. Ellis


Born August 29th,2014 (His second due date)
5:47am
8pounds 1  ounce and 20 inches long.

38 Week Update

How far along:  38  Weeks

Total weight gain: 33 pounds. (I lost a pound since last week)

 Maternity clothes:  Just using what I got. No use buying new stuff.

Stretch marks: I don't seem to have any new ones. Just the gigantic ones that were there from the beginning.

Sleep:  The sleep is fine. The horrendous pain in my right hip EVERY NIGHT is not.

Best moment of this week: I always enjoy when Kevin can go to the doctors with me. We end up being gone all day but it is really fun to hangout with him instead of being on the bus by myself for hours with nobody to talk to.

Miss anything: Just being able to move around.

Movement:  His movement has been great as usual. He has no room so the moving feels different than before but it is still at his usual times. He really hates if anything is touching my stomach. Including my own arm.  I wonder if this means he will not like to cuddle or be touched. I sure hope not. That would be sad.

Food cravings: I still really want a tuna and egg sandwich.

 Anything making you queasy or sick:   Nothing in particular.

 Have you started to show yet: Yes.

Belly button in or out:  It depends on where he is positioned, but as far as I know it never actually pops out any.

Wedding rings on or off: Still off.

Happy or moody most of the time: I am excited! So very excited!

Looking forward to: This week is my last week of work before maternity leave. I did not believe I would make it this far so I feel relieved yet really anxious. Now every day that goes by that he is not here, is a week of maternity leave I do not get with him.

Doctors Appointment- At my doctors appointment they asked about my contractions and I told them I had a couple but that my biggest problem was pressure. I can barely walk due to it. So the nurse said even though the doctor that day usually does not check until 39 weeks, she would take a look just to see what was going on down there. I ended up being 1 1\2 dilated and 100% effaced. She "thought" that I would not make it to my next appointment, let alone past this weekend but...we will see. I know just because she thinks something does not automatically mean it will happen. But I reeeallllyyy hope she is right. My next appointment is Thursday the 28th but they all said they hope I am not at it. Her checking me caused me a lot of contractions and some bleeding so I got excited but they eventually stopped and now I am just waiting again.

Labor signs- See above.

It just occured to me that since I will no longer be at work, I will no longer have access to a computer to do these updates. Hmmm. I might be able to do some sort of update on my phone but I make no promises since I have never tried to know what my phone is capable of. No matter what, as soon as I am able to update I will. I promise.

37 Week Update

How far along:  37  Weeks

Total weight gain: 34 pounds. ( No weight gain from last week)

 Maternity clothes:  For my birthday I got some more long and lean tank tops. I love those things.

Stretch marks: I don't seem to have any new ones. Just the gigantic ones that were there from the beginning.

Sleep:  The sleep isn't really a problem, it is when I am awake trying to get comfortable. That is when it sucks. Turning over is painful and I get severe hip pain. But as far as the sleeping part, it is fine.

Best moment of this week: My mom,Kevin, and I went out to Nacho Daddy for my birthday. It had been a restaurant that Kevin had been wanting to go to for a long time and since last year I chose Islands and then he got nothing to celebrate his birthday, I decided to go there this year. We ended up deciding we wanted to still go out for his birthday. His birthday was technically yesterday(the 14th) but he did not get paid until today. So after we both get off work, we are going to go to Red Robin and get dinner and a drink(for him, I will stick to my usual). I am really excited for what could be our last restaurant meal before Landon shows up. Heck, he could try to show up for dinner. But at this point....I doubt it. He is waaaayyy too comfortable.

Miss anything: Sleeping on my stomach.

Movement:  He's crazy in there sometimes.

Food cravings: I suddenly really want a tuna and egg sandwich.

 Anything making you queasy or sick:   Nothing in particular.
 Have you started to show yet: Yes.

Belly button in or out:  It is not flat but it is right on the edge of it.

Wedding rings on or off: Still off.

Happy or moody most of the time: I am excited.

Looking forward to: I just am so excited for Landon to finally decide to arrive. Whenever he is ready, we are ready.

Doctors Appointment-  My doctors appointment was the same as usual. This doctor literally was in and out in less than 5 minutes so it went very quickly(after a 2 hour bus ride to get there). All the usual stuff was great, as usual. So....nothing really to report.

Labor signs-  I get the occasional cramps but other than that, there does not seem to be any signs that labor is on its way. I think he may have dropped because of how bad the pressure is sometimes, but I can't be sure that it isn't just me hoping.

I am sorry these updates are so boring. There just is not really anything going on. Everything is done, now we all are just waiting.

36 Week Update

How far along:  36 Weeks

Total weight gain: 40 pounds. (The 6 pound increase in one week kind of worried me but the nurse did not seem to think it was a big deal)

 Maternity clothes: All of my clothes seems to be 20 sizes too small for me. No matter how long my shirt is, my stomach always peeks out from under it.

Stretch marks: I don't seem to have any new ones. Just the gigantic ones that were there from the beginning.

Sleep:  The sleep isn't really a problem, it is when I am awake trying to get comfortable. That is when it sucks. Turning over is painful and I get severe hip pain. But as far as the sleeping part, it is fine.

Best moment of this week: The day of my doctors appointment, Kevin had off work so we were able to spend the whole day together. I had a really good time with him. We went to my appointment, went to Carls Jr, and then went swimming. It was nice to spend some last minute alone time with him before everything happens.

Miss anything: Sleeping on my stomach.

Movement:  He's crazy in there sometimes.

Food cravings: Nope.

 Anything making you queasy or sick:   Nothing in particular.

 Have you started to show yet: Yes.

Belly button in or out:  It is not flat but it is right on the edge of it.

Wedding rings on or off: Still off.

Happy or moody most of the time: I am excited.

Looking forward to: My birthday is the 9th so that is really cool. Of course I am not going to be getting drunk this year but I do not mind. I get a better gift.

Doctors Appointment-  Nothing big happened at my doctors appointment. My Group B Strep test came back negative so of course that was a good thing to hear. Other than that everything was the same as always. All the usual tests were great, Landon measured at 37 weeks, heartbeat was great. It was a quick and easy appointment. The doctor I saw was really nice but it was strange to not be with my old doctor. Then next week I have a totally different doctor.

Labor signs- So Sunday morning I went with Kevin to Labor and Delivery due to decreased fetal movement. Long story short, Landon had just moved into a position I could not feel him. As soon as the monitor was on him, he had ten movements in a matter of a few minutes and moved nonstop the entire time I was there. So baby was perfectly healthy and the nurses were impressed. The problem was not him....it was me.

 The nurse told me to let her know when I needed to pee so she could get a urine sample, and I was looking at her. Next thing I know I am staring at Kevin's face and the nurse is gone. I could feel something was wrong and told him to get help. Six nurses rushed in and started all talking at once. One was shoving needles into my arm for an IV. Another was giving me sips of something. Another was drawing blood. Someone was trying to turn me on my side. Someone else was babbling about my vitals being perfect and why was this happening.

Meanwhile I can barely keep my eyes open and sweat is pouring from me. My vitals are perfect but I am obviously not alright. They are all panicking. Eventually my body started calming down and they decided to watch me for a little bit. After my "episode", I was fine. They have no idea what happened so they are guessing it had to do with anxiety(my blood sugar was fine). Luckily Landon was not affected by what was happening and they said he just kept playing around as usual. So that is good. They also saw that I was having a bunch of little contractions, but just a few that were actually worth noting. But they said that means that things are working towards the finish line. After a couple hours I was fine, baby was fantastic, so they decided to send me home and told me hopefully the next time I come back it is baby time.

35 Week Update

How far along: 35 Weeks

Total weight gain: 34 pounds.

 Maternity clothes: Just making what I have work. I keep having to pull my shirt down because the bottom of my stomach sticks out. I refuse to be "that" pregnant person. Haha.

Stretch marks: They do not even phase me anymore. They are large and in charge.

Sleep:  Eh...I do my best.

Best moment of this week: This is not a best moment this week but I realized I never wrote about the fact Kevin got a job. I guess in a way I was worried about jinxing it. But I keep writing about him not being around and I feel like it makes him sound like he is off running the streets or something. He isn't, I promise. I want to say he got it around the end of June, although it could have been before that. He is trying really hard to be successful so it is a big relief to see. We both are kind of scared to get our hopes up because something always goes wrong. But so far, everything is good.

Miss anything: Not really.

Movement:  His routine seems to be set. He moves throughout the day with occasional kicks to the ribs that make me jump and everyone stare at me. And then at night has a party in there while I am falling asleep. The day of my appointment I came home and fell asleep on the couch, Kevin got home and sat on the floor next to me and laid his head on my stomach. I guess it got Landon excited because he started jumping around. He seems to like when daddy is around. I like when daddy is around also.

Food cravings: Nope.

 Anything making you queasy or sick:   Nothing in particular.

 Have you started to show yet: Yes and everyone likes to make it known to me that I am huge.

Belly button in or out:  My belly button was hurting so I looked at it and it actually does seem to be flattening out. It is not flat yet but I would say..right before. There is a bit of an indent but not much. The entire outside of my belly button feels all weird and loose. It is hard to explain.

Wedding rings on or off: Still off.

Happy or moody most of the time: Anxious. But in a good way.

Looking forward to: Meeting my baby boy. I am more and more excited every week that passes because I am closer to his birth day. It is August now so...any day.

Doctors Appointment-  So Kevin was at work and my mom had just worked all night, so I had to go to the appointment by myself this time. No big deal. I was nervous I would get lost on the bus since it was a route I have never taken before but once I did it I was fine. I needed to know the route anyway incase I end up needing to ride the bus when I go into labor. So I got there and did my usual urine, blood pressure, etc. All of that was great as usual. It was my last appointment with my doctor so that was a bummer. I really do like her. But she needs to be with her mom so I will live. Anyway, Landon got measured and is measuring at 37 weeks. Yeah....no wonder my back hurts all the time. I also got the GBS test done and it was no big deal. So now I just have to wait for the results next week. My next appointment is the 7th. I also have a breastfeeding class on the 5th so that is cool too, even though it is not a doctors appointment.

Labor signs- I have been having a lot of these period type cramps for about the past two weeks. Some days they go all day and others they are only a couple hours a day. I know that they are not contractions or anything but I can tell that my  body is preparing in its own way. I just am always so worried I will not know when it is time to head to the hospital and when it is too soon. I know it is something I will figure out eventually but right now it is really overwhelming.

34 Week Update

How far along: 34 Weeks

Total weight gain: 32 pounds. (My weight was the same as last appointment)

 Maternity clothes: Just making what I have work.

Stretch marks: They do not even phase me anymore.

Sleep:  Eh...I do my best.

Best moment of this week:  Kevin's grandma bought us a pack and play so now we have a crib in his room and something for him to sleep in when he is new and we want him to stay in our room. The cradle we had gotten at the baby shower is at my mom's house so that he has something to sleep in when he is over with her. She already had a pack and play but it did not have the newborn bassinet so he needs to be bigger before she can use it with him.

Worst moment this week: *sigh* Kevin's grandma had worked so hard to get the pack and play for us so when she said she had ordered it, I wanted to make sure we got it picked up from her before Landon was born so that he could actually use it. So my mom and I decided to drive the 50 miles to her house so that we could get it. Kevin was unable to go due to job stuff. My grandparents had been letting us use their van until November so we headed on down to her house. Everything was fine on the way there. We picked up the pack and play and started driving back. We had made it to the edge of the town when the van started acting weird. Mom had been told by my grandparents if the van started acting this way to put some of that really good gas in it and that should fix it. So my mom stopped and filled up the tank with good gas.

   So we keep driving and as we get out of town the car seems to overheat. We call Kevin's grandma and she brings us some coolant and water.After everything seems to be fine, we start driving away. We get maybe 15 miles out of town when the van completely shuts down, starts jerking around, and eventually dies and won't start. Now let me explain this. The city I live in and the town we were at is 50 miles apart, I said that earlier. Well those 50 miles are pure desert. No service, cactus all around, long straight road of loneliness. Not a place to get stuck with a broken vehicle. So to sum up the rest of the story, from 5pm to midnight my mom and I sat in the van trying to find any way to get back home. Eventually we were able to get a hold of my grandpa who drove two hours to be with the van so the tow service would come( since he is the owner of the insurance) and one of mom's friends gave her and I a ride home. It was an exausting day(and night). The next morning we found out that the van blew a head gasket or something and is not fixable without a whole lot of money that nobody has.

  

   So now we once again have no vehicle so the three of us are riding the bus. My brothers, who had been spending the week with our grandparents, now have to go back to their dads two weeks early this summer because there is no way for them to have someone home at all times with everyone on the bus. We all thought they would spend their weekend at their dads after being dropped off by my grandparents this Friday, and then spend the final two weeks with us and go back to their dads right before school starts. Now they are going to their dads for his weekend and then staying there until school starts. And the next time mom sees them is her weekend. So mom is really upset that this has happened. We thought about the options we had but there was not many. Mom would not even get home from work before I have to leave. So unfortunately that is the only choice we have. This is all so unexpected and upsetting. And of course my grandparents are pissed. But we were told

 it was just bad timing and a van that is 13 or so years old. Nothing my mom did caused it. But she feels horrible and doesn't want L and N to have to leave but has no idea what else to do.

   We will figure everything out because we don't have a choice. We will figure out how to get L and N every two weeks for their visits. We will figure out how to get to the hospital when Landon decides to show up. We will figure out how to get a new car. We will figure it all out. But right now it is really stressful and scary.

Miss anything: Not really.

Movement:  His movements get stronger and stronger every day. Some are really cute and others...ouch.

Food cravings: Nope.

 Anything making you queasy or sick:   Nothing in particular.

 Have you started to show yet: Yes and everyone likes to make it known to me that I am huge.

Belly button in or out:  It does not look any different now than it did when I was not pregnant.

Wedding rings on or off: Still off.

Happy or moody most of the time: Stressed but it is not really pregnancy related.

Looking forward to: Meeting my baby boy.

Doctors Appointment- My next appointment is the 31st.

33 Week Update

How far along: 33 Weeks


Total weight gain: 32 pounds. (My weight was the same as last appointment)



 Maternity clothes: Just making what I have work.


Stretch marks: They do not even phase me anymore.



Sleep:  Yeah I literally dread needing to roll over. I do not want to wake up Kevin every single time I feel like rolling over so I have to move quietly but it takes so much effort to move it is hard to be quiet.


Best moment of this week:  Kevin and I got new phones so that was sadly exciting. Our old phones had been those kind where you buy the card and have a certain amount of minutes. We were barely using our phones yet never had many minutes when we truly needed them. And with Landon coming, that is not an option. So hopefully these phones work better for us. Unlimited talk,text, and web. Sounds good to me.


Miss anything: Not really.



Movement:  Movement has been really good. Other than the rib pain. The rib pain is not fun.



Food cravings: Nope.



 Anything making you queasy or sick:  This heat is draining me. I already have the blood sugar that drops suddenly. Now with the heat and already being exhausted and having trouble breathing, a walk through the store leaves me feeling like I am about to collapse on the ground. It is a horrible feeling. I hate feeling like a burden but my body just takes a certain amount before it starts getting "upset". Kevin and I love going to Mcdonalds(that is how we use the internet) but since I work until evening, we end up being out late at night. I used to have no problem with it but these last few weeks I told him I can't. I can push it every once in awhile but we used to basically go multiple times a week and I physically can not do that any longer.


      I am at the point where before I would push my body as far as I could just to satisfy my "urges"(cleaning the entire closet, walking a mile to the store and back, putting all of Landon's stuff together at one time) but now I have gotten to the point that I kind of have a "screw it" mindset. Obviously I want the diaper bag put together and the curtain rod put up, but at that moment I want a cold glass of kool aid and to lay down. So that is what I will do.  The rest will happen eventually. I know I only have (at most) 7 weeks left and then my body will be able to do more. So right now I am just trying not to push myself too hard. A curtain truly is not worth something happening to Landon or I. I realize that know. I hate when I do something and then I am worried because something hurts that didn't before and Landon has not moved in awhile. The fear I feel is not something I want to feel so I do not want to push myself.


 Have you started to show yet: Yes. My stomach pulls more and more in the front every day.



Belly button in or out: It does not seem to be changing either way anymore.



Wedding rings on or off: Still off.



Happy or moody most of the time: I am exhausted and in pain. It hurts to move, it hurts to lay down, I am thirsty, I constantly feel full yet am hungry, heartburn makes me feel like I am going to vomit fire, I am constantly sweating and can never cool off. BUT....I know my body is working hard these next few weeks finishing growing Landon so I will deal with being a bit miserable if it means he is completely healthy and happy.


Looking forward to: Meeting my baby boy.


Doctors Appointment- My next appointment is the 31st. I was really bummed to find out that it is the last appointment with the doctor I have had since my first appointment. Her mom is not doing well so she needs to go back to India. So after the 31st I will be seeing her partners.  It really sucks because I was hoping to have her deliver Landon after being with me all these months. And of course it is scary to think these strange doctors will suddenly be taking care of me in the weeks that matter.  But there is no choice because she can not help her mother being sick and I can not help when I am due

32 Week Update

How far along: 32 Weeks


Total weight gain: 32 pounds.



 Maternity clothes: Just making what I have work.


Stretch marks: I guess they are horrible on my lower stomach, good thing I can't see my lower stomach anymore.



Sleep:  I have the WORST time turning over at night. I feel gigantic as I try to turn over and laying on my back is not possible. I get this horrible pain in my pelvis and it makes me not be able to breathe. Then after I have struggled all night to sleep, in the morning I wake up with my hip in tremendous pain and nothing I do gets rid of it.


Best moment of this week:  Nothing really happened this week. I guess the biggest thing is I dropped off the paperwork to my doctor for my maternity leave. So once I fill out my paperwork with my boss, and as long as nothing gets messed up, my first day of leave is August 25th. I have a feeling I won't make it to that day but I also didn't want to be on leave and still be pregnant for a couple more weeks.


Miss anything: Not really.



Movement: Oh yeah. I think he is sideways but I can't be sure. My stomach just doesn't seem to be hard on the top or the bottom, just on both sides of my stomach. He is getting more and more responsive to Kevin each day. Now Kevin can put his face against my skin and Landon will rub against his face. It is really cute to watch.



Food cravings: I haven't craved anything this week either.



 Anything making you queasy or sick: Um...nothing that I can think of.


 Have you started to show yet: Yes. My stomach pulls more and more in the front every day.



Belly button in or out: It does not seem to be changing either way anymore.



Wedding rings on or off: Still off.



Happy or moody most of the time: I have been pretty happy. My body is uncomfortable but I know it will be completely worth it in the end.


Looking forward to: Meeting my baby boy.


Doctors Appointment- My next appointment is the 14th.

31 Week Update

How far along: 31 Weeks


Total weight gain: 32 pounds.



 Maternity clothes: I need to buy some nursing bras. I have one but it ended up being really tight for the size it supposedly was.


Stretch marks: I guess they are horrible on my lower stomach, good thing I can't see my lower stomach anymore.



Sleep:  I got a body pillow at Babies R Us but I am really tall so it is really just a long pillow for my head. But I LOVE IT! It is like a cloud of happiness for my head. Yeah it is THAT good.


Best moment of this week:  My baby shower was really great. We got some really sweet gifts from our family. My Mimi and J's mom both gave us handmade baby blankets(Mimi actually gave us two since she was so sure it was a girl and started making a yellow blanket. When it was found out Landon was a boy she made a blue one for us.) We also got a tummy time toy, some really pretty figurines, a special toy from his Grammy(my mom), some Costco boxes of diapers and wipes, a bottle brush, a couple rattles, some receiving blankets, his first pair of shoes, and lots and lots of clothes. Kevin's grandma gave us a cradle that will most likely end up being what we put him in for the first couple of weeks by our bed. At first I was not to sure about it but once I saw it, it was really pretty and I asked Kevin to put it together immediately. It was a really great day and I was thankful for everything we got and everyone that came.


Miss anything: Not really.



Movement: This kid is getting strong. Kevin is having the best time watching when my stomach starts rolling around. Landon has yet to let anyone but the two of us feel him move. At this rate, the first time anyone sees him move will be when he is already out. Haha.



Food cravings: I haven't craved anything this week either.



 Anything making you queasy or sick: My cold is gone for the most part. Now it is just normal stuffy nose I have had for months so I am happy about that.


 Have you started to show yet: Yes. I am so big that at times I will literally fall sideways and stumble. People look at me like I am drunk.



Belly button in or out: It does not seem to be changing either way anymore.



Wedding rings on or off: Still off.



Happy or moody most of the time: I have been pretty happy this week. A bit overwhelmed with my maternity leave stuff at work but other than that, I am doing well.


Looking forward to: I am at two week appointments now. Pretty crazy!


Doctors Appointment- So my doctors appointment June 30th had a bit of a scary moment. When they took my blood pressure it was 180\100. So the nurse went to get the doctor because they thought I might be developing some pre-eclampsia. The doctor came in and did her regular measuring me(measuring a week ahead) and told me I was going to get my second shot of Rhogam, but before that they would measure my blood pressure again and go from there. So the nurse comes back in and checks it and it is perfectly fine so..who knows. They think it might have just been a faulty check or something. Still...it freaked me out for a bit. I did not like the feeling I had when I thought I might get put on bedrest or him be put in the NICU. But like always, Landon is doing great. Healthy heartbeat and good size.


I am getting to that point where I realize that I only have( at most) 9 or so weeks left pregnant with him. I am sooooo excited to see his smooshy little face and finally meet him but at the same time it is occuring to me that in 9 or so weeks.....he will not be with me 24\7 anymore and my pregnancy will be over. That is a bittersweet thing to feel. I want the bad parts to be over but I want to keep the good parts because they are so special to experience.

30 Week Update

How far along: 30 Weeks(WHAT?!)


Total weight gain: 30 pounds.



 Maternity clothes: I have not bought any new clothes. I am just making what I have work.



Stretch marks: I guess they are horrible on my lower stomach, good thing I can't see my lower stomach anymore.



Sleep:  So sleeping at the foot of the bed has finally caught up to me. I woke up one morning with a HORRIBLE sinus cold and sore throat. Obviously I moved to the head of the bed again to feel better, and now am back to sweating all night. Cruel joke pregnancy, real cruel.


Best moment of this week:  My baby shower is Sunday, the 29th. I am so excited. I can not wait to see everyone and look spiffy in my red dress. Kevin is even going to paint my toe nails since heaven knows I would never be able to do it without him. I did not invite everyone for the gifts so I do not want it to sound that way, but I am also really excited to see what everyone brings for Landon. I want him to have everything he deserves so I am looking forward to seeing all his little goodies.


Miss anything: Not really.



Movement: Still a big fan of when Mommy lays on her side in bed. He goes crazy and it feels like he is throwing punches and kicks all around me.



Food cravings: I haven't craved anything this week either.



 Anything making you queasy or sick: My head and nose hurts but that is because of the cold so it does not really count.


 Have you started to show yet: Yes.



Belly button in or out: It does not seem to be changing either way anymore.



Wedding rings on or off: Still off.



Happy or moody most of the time: My family found out that my only uncle passed away this week. That has been really hard. He was in the Air Force and our family had some issues with his wife, so his passing has been a really upsetting thing to work through. I have not been nearly as upset as people expected me to be but I believe I am in shock. I am not letting myself believe it or think about it, so I do not get upset because I am telling myself it is not true. After J's death, my heart can't handle another loss. Especially as important as my uncle was to me. I know one day it will hit me hard, everyone else knows one day I will fall apart, but right now I am just sitting back and comforting everyone else because that is easier for me than to stop and realize what truly just happened to me.


Looking forward to: My baby shower and my next doctors appointment on the 30th.

29 Week Update

How far along: 29 Weeks


Total weight gain: 30 pounds.



 Maternity clothes: Same as last week. Except all my shirts(even the long ones) are starting to come up in the front and I am having to pull them down like when I was first pregnant.



Stretch marks: Apparently they look like lightning bolts.



Sleep:  We have continued to sleep at the foot of the bed so sleep has been alright. My only issue right now is how hard it is when I end up on my back and how much I toss and turn in general to get comfortable. But oh well.


Best moment of this week:  I had a really good night laying in bed talking to Kevin about what we thought birth would be like. We talked about our fears for that day and everything we were excited for. It was really special to just lay there in the dark and talk until we fell asleep. We used to do that on the phone every night when we first started dating, and it is always really fun to focus on each other and just talk with no interruptions.


Miss anything: Not really.



Movement: Yes! I usually wake up to him moving around on whatever side I am laying on. Then throughout the day he moves at various times. He has gotten big enough to touch my ribs at random points in the day and make me jump so everyone stares at me. Kid has always thought he was funny.



Food cravings: I haven't craved anything this week either.



 Anything making you queasy or sick: Uncomfortable but I would not say sick or queasy.


 Have you started to show yet: Yes.



Belly button in or out: Some days it is more shallow than others.



Wedding rings on or off: I really am missing wearing my ring.



Happy or moody most of the time: I am happy for the most part but can lash out in a moment so...beware. I might bite your head off...or cry.


Looking forward to: My baby shower is the 29th of June. I am so excited.

28 Week Update

How far along: 28 Weeks*3rd Trimester!!!!*(This size thing seems stupid to me. I could put one number and he isn't even near that. So I don't think I am going to do this anymore, unless I actually have HIS size to note. )
 Total weight gain: 30 pounds.

 Maternity clothes: Same as last week. Except all my shirts(even the long ones) are starting to come up in the front and I am having to pull them down like when I was first pregnant.

Stretch marks: Apparently they look like lightning bolts.

Sleep:  Our room has been horrible with heat the past few days. We have a fan at the end of our bed and have actually started sleeping down there just to get some air. It is not pleasant.
Best moment of this week:  Last night I was laying in bed and Kevin did his normal talking to Landon like he does every night. He was telling Landon how he wanted to tell him a secret. He presses his mouth to my skin and whispered something. Immediately Landon kicked so hard that I jumped. Kevin got SO EXCITED! He kept saying, "Wow, that was so cool!" over and over. It is so cute watching them interact with each other. I can't wait until they finally meet each other face to face.
Miss anything: Not really.

Movement: Yes! He goes wild when I am laying in bed on my side. Starts punching the mattress. One night I think he was trying to crawl out or something, maybe turn over, because the side of my stomach suddenly pushed out twice and then was normal again. Of course, I was the only person that saw it.

Food cravings: I haven't craved anything this week either.

 Anything making you queasy or sick: I have some days where I just feel off. I do not know how to describe it. I am not a certain something like nauseous or crampy. I just feel....off. It really sucks because I do not even know what I am feeling in order to fix the problem.
 Have you started to show yet: Yes.

Belly button in or out: Some days it is more shallow than others.

Wedding rings on or off: I really am missing wearing my ring.

Happy or moody most of the time: I am happy for the most part but can lash out in a moment so...beware. I might bite your head off...or cry.
Looking forward to: I seriously can't wait to meet him. I mean, I can because I want him to be big and strong so he needs to cook longer. But I just am so excited to see his little face and kiss him all over.
Doctors Appointment: So I went to my doctors appointment and everything looked really good she said. My urine,blood pressure,and weight were good. My glucose test results came back with a 137 and she said that is passing. When she measured me she said that Landon is measuring two weeks ahead at 30 weeks. Not suprising at all.  He is no longer able to run away from the doppler so as soon as she put the wand to me, his heartbeat was perfect. Happy to hear that everything is going well. I go back on the 30th.

Pictures!

Here are a couple photos that have been taken recently. Enjoy!

(28 weeks)

27 Week Update

How far along: 27 Weeks(Landon is around 2 pounds and 14 1\2 inches long )

 Total weight gain: 25 pounds.

 Maternity clothes: Kevin had some extra money so he bought me my baby shower dress. It is red and so pretty. I love it.

Stretch marks: Apparently they look like lightning bolts.

Sleep: I have the worst time turning over. I make noises that feel unneccessary yet as soon as I start moving, out the grunts and sighs come.

Best moment of this week:  L and N move home today for the summer. It really sucks because this summer they are here a shorter time due to school starting early August. But still, great to have them with us.

 Miss anything: Being able to move freely without getting tired.

Movement:  I seriously want everyone to feel him but he only moves when nobody but me is around. As soon as someone else is there, "crickets".

Food cravings:Still seem to have no appetite.

 Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

 Have you started to show yet: Yup, I seriously need to get to another internet source and upload some pictures. I hate that there are no pictures on here.

Belly button in or out: Some days it is more shallow than others.

Wedding rings on or off: I really am missing wearing my ring.

Happy or moody most of the time: I am happy for the most part but can lash out in a moment so...beware. I might bite your head off...or cry.

Looking forward to: My doctors appointment on the 9th. I took my glucose test on the 2nd and it actually wasn't that bad. The orange drink burned my throat but it was not that bad, and I laid down while getting blood drawn and had no issues with passing out. Yay! I find out my results on the 9th but I am figuring it is good news or else they would have called me.

26 Week Update

How far along: 26 Weeks(Landon is around 1 2\3 pounds and 14 inches long )
 Total weight gain: 25 pounds.

 Maternity clothes: I need to get some more dresses because it is hot outside and these jeans are killer.

 Stretch marks: Yes. Very much so.

Sleep: I am doing much better this week with laying on my arm. Very happy about that.

Best moment of this week:  My family went swimming this week. It is so hot outside and it felt amazing to be in the cool water.

 Miss anything: Being able to move freely without getting tired.

Movement:  He has some wild days. It is very distracting at work but I love it.

Food cravings: I have not really had any cravings this week. In fact, I have been having trouble thinking of anything to eat at all.

 Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

 Have you started to show yet: Sure am. When I took my outer clothes off at the pool N stared at my stomach and said, "That is a BIG belly." Thanks N.

Belly button in or out: My mom told me that her belly button always flattened out during pregnancy. I can see that happening.

Wedding rings on or off: Around my neck. There is no chance of it going on my finger.

Happy or moody most of the time: I had a rough day this week. I got really depressed in the morning for no reason and could not shake it all day. I was angry and tearful but had no reason why I felt that way. It was really bad. Kevin kept trying to make me feel better but everything he said I turned around on him. It was just not a fun day at all but I woke up the next morning feeling much better so I have no idea why my hormones were so crazy that day.
Looking forward to:  Not my glucose test next week.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I posted my first blog entry here. Did I have plans for the way this blog would work out? Sure did. Was I completely wrong about those plans? Sure was. Don't think this entry is going to be all sad and depressed. I do not regret for a second starting this blog and I do not regret for a second what happened. I still truly believe that everything happens for a reason. My point is that you just never know what will be the same and different in a matters time. Last year my mother had almost died weeks prior, I was getting married with rose colored glasses, and this blog was just something I would do until I got bored. Now a year later, my mother is doing extremely well with thankfully only a couple lasting effects from last year, I am still getting married but have more appreciation for my relationship, my blog is a source of comfort and freedom for me whenever I need it. And best of all, I have an awesome little boy on his way to me.

 I have learned in this past year that you just never know what the next day holds. One day you believe many things are one way and the next everything is changed. That can be a good thing and that can be a hard thing at times. What happened last year pulled the rug out from under my feet but it showed me what I needed to see. I know what I need to appreciate in my life and relationship and I know what still needs to be fixed or the problems it can eventually cause. That is knowledge I did not have last year. I was so focused on the wedding that I was ignoring what was right in front of me. I lost something very important to me and it woke me and Kevin up big time. We also learned not to let just anyone into our life because their intentions might not be good. We gave our trust to people who hurt us in a way that we will never forget. Toxic people were let into our life and caused destruction until the day they were out of it. We will never forget the cruel things that were said about us and to us and I can promise you, it will not be allowed again. I will not let my family be torn apart like that every again. I will not live in hell ever again. We know what is at stake if we do not take our relationship seriously, and now with Landon that is even more important. I have learned in this past year that the two of us are not perfect and we both have stuff we still need to work on with ourselves, but we love each other and are committed to each other no matter what and we love Landon and the three of us deserve to give our family the best shot possible. Last year was a bad time but we got through it and now we have a happiness and respect that I am so glad to have. I did not know I would gain that when I wrote last year's post.

A year ago I was not aware that J would play the part in our life's that he did. He was an incredible man and it still feels wrong that he was gone so suddenly and without any goodbyes. I believe he is looking down from Heaven and watching over all of us to make sure we are alright. He is missed every day by so many people who loved him dearly. He is another reason for me learning how precious every day is. One day he was fine and sitting on the couch. The next day I am sitting in a room full of his loved ones in tears and wondering how this could happen. It is a moment and a feeling that I will never forget.


 I am not going to try and predict exactly what will be wrote in next years entry because I just don't know. Of course I have stuff I would assume would be in the next entry such as talking about Kevin and Landon, but I can not tell you details because I have not lived them. But I do believe that no matter what happens, I am excited to live this next year and find out how my life changes in a matter of a year.

25 Week Update

How far along: 25 Weeks(Landon is around a pound and a half and 13 1\2 inches long )
 Total weight gain: 25 pounds.

 Maternity clothes: I need to get some more dresses because it is hot outside and these jeans are killer.

 Stretch marks: Yes. Very much so.

Sleep: I keep laying on my arm when I lay on my side, and I wake up in pain because of it being numb and then "waking up". But atleast I can say it is my fault for laying on my arm. The other night I woke up with my entire right leg waking up. That SUCKED!

Best moment of this week:  Kevin put together Landon's crib. It is so cool to see his room coming together.

 Miss anything: Being able to move freely without getting tired. I seriously feel like such a burden to be out with because I either complain my back is hurting or need to sit down or get something to drink. My mom just moved in near us and I was useless with moving.

Movement:  Landon's kicks are getting strong. I was not looking but yesterday I swear his entire leg came out of my stomach because of how strong it was. It was such a weird feeling. I have been able to feel him move a majority of the day. It is awesome compared to the once a day movements I had before.

Food cravings: I got the bean dip I was craving last week. Eh... I was not as impressed as I thought I would be. Oh well.

 Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!

 Have you started to show yet: I am so glad to be out of the "Is she pregnant or fat?" stage. More and more people from the outside ask about my pregnancy or say, "That is what you have to look forward to" when a child is on the ground of the church cafeteria screaming his little head off.
Gender: Boy :)

Belly button in or out: My belly button is actually not as deep as it used to be. That is a weird thing for me. I have always had such a deep belly button that I assumed I would never have that "popping" belly button. I still may not but no matter what, something is going on in my belly button.

Wedding rings on or off: Around my neck. There is no chance of it going on my finger.

Happy or moody most of the time: I have been having a lot of cranky moments. It is really annoying because I even know I am being cranky for no reason yet I still snap.
Looking forward to:  My baby shower is next month. Super excited for that. My glucose test is in a few weeks. Not super excited for that.

I Just Don't Know

In case you have not heard, I am pregnant. Yeah I know... suprising. But the thing is, one part of my brain comprehends this. I am pregnant. There will be a baby in my arms at the end of summer. I will feel things that I do not even know how to feel yet. Everything that a mother to be gets told. But it is easy to comprehend something when you are on the other side of it. I am not on that side, yet. The part of my brain that comprehends all the "soon to be's" that are coming my way, is right next to the part of my brain that is staring at a blank wall confused. And that part of my brain is scared as all hell. I know nothing to come.

I do not know what Landon looks like.
I do not know when he will be born.
I do not know if I will have a normal vaginal birth or be rushed into an emergency csection.
I do not know what day will forever be his birth day.
I do not know what I will feel when my eyes fall onto my baby boy for the first time.
I do not know what the look on Kevin's face will be like when he meets his son.
I do not know what a mother's love feels like as she watches her child take their first breath.

I just do not know. I think this worry got worse after the hospital when I realized I do not know what labor feels like. I do not know the difference between growing pains, braxton hicks, and real contractions. I have heard the whole, "You will know for sure when it is real" but that does not make anything better. I do not know what is something growing and something going wrong in my body. I just... I feel like I don't know anything. I can listen to stories and I can pretend to understand but of course I don't, I have not experienced it yet. I know how much I love him now, but that is the extent of what I know because it is the only thing I have known. That is scary. A part of me is excited to know that eventually, somehow, one day he will be born and I will know all of this. But at the same time, I have no control. And the scariest part is the knowledge that once I know all this stuff, it is real. Once I give birth, my child is no longer safe in
 my stomach. He is outside, with all the scary things, and all I can do is love him? That is the scariest thing. I want to meet him so badly. But then...how can I protect him? I am already so scared about his well being so I can only imagine how much worse it is when he is born. I just am so overwhelmed with the knowledge that one day, sooner than it feels, I will suddenly be feeling a full range of emotions for a person I just met and I have no way to prepare for them. Then that little boy will forever scare the ever living daylights out of me every moment of my life. Where is he? Is he alright? Is he still breathing? Is someone trying to pull him into a car and steal him away forever?

I know there will be fear emotions, but I am trying to focus more on the unknown love emotions. I am already so scared, yet I am also so in love already. If the fear increases then I can not wait to feel the love increase as well. I know it is only a short period of not knowing and it will be so worth it when I know everything, but it is just a lot to deal with. I apologize if this is a jumble of rambling thoughts. I just have had a lot going through my mind lately and needed to get it out. This blog is a way to remember how I felt during key moments in my life, and this is one of them, so I figured I needed to get it out somehow. I am a planner, I need to know how I will feel at all times, and I need to know every detail of what will happen every part of the day. I just am really scared of the unknown.