While I was writing my last post there was a lot of things I wanted to say but decided not to. I guess I didn't want to be thought off as a complainer or like I am not happy to be a mother. That is not the case at all. I am completely in love with Landon and there is never a day I feel otherwise. With that being said, in the beginning I couldn't figure out why if I am so happy with Landon....why am I so depressed? It started out small. I would cry very easily and had moments where I got a bit pissy. It was small enough that I was able to label it as hormones and push it aside. But every day that passed, I felt worse and worse. I would get angry at anyone that looked at me wrong. Heck, I would get angry even if they were not even looking at me. I would burst into tears if anyone asked me anything. Eventually, I would start crying even if nothing was even happening. Obviously this started taking a toll on Kevin and I. Kevin has been so supportive of me but a person can only take so much. He would go to hug me and I would push him away and snap at him for no reason. Even the most supportive person eventually starts getting upset when they think you are just being mean.
Then at my 6 week appointment(it was actually before that due to me having to go back to work on October 7th) I took a questionare that tallied up your chances of having postpartum depression. I answered honestly and well....the only question that I did not mark "yes" to was the "Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child?" Even as unstable as I am, I have never thought about hurting my baby or myself. That is a plus I suppose. My doctor gave me a number to call to set up an appointment. It is set for October 9th. A big part of me wants to hide under a rock and never go. But I know that I need to make sure I am healthy for my son. Me feeling the way I do will only hurt him in the end. I want to be healthy and happy and that will not happen if I just pretend I am fine when I am not. I can tell myself I am just being dramatic but if I could stop feeling the way I do, then I would. So if I am unable to then maybe there is a reason why.
Some days are better than others. Some days I wake up and go the whole day simply feeling...I don't even know what word to use. I guess sad would be the word. Sad but not really sad about anything in particular. Just the feeling. But I brush it to the back of my mind as best as I can and focus on Kevin and Landon to get through the day. They are the only thing to make me smile lately so I try to think about them and nothing else that is swirling around my mind. Those days are better than the other kinds of days. The other kinds of days make me feel like I will never feel better. On those days I am stuck in a fog of anger, tears, and being overwhelmed.
I am not a violent person in the least bit. I never have been, no matter what. But on these days I literally get so angry that I have thoughts of punching walls. Of course I never do because that would be ridiculous of me to hit something. I have seen peoples anger cause structual damage and it has always annoyed me to no end so I am not about to be that person. Still though, even simply having those thoughts catches me off guard since I have never gotten that angry before. But in these moments, even if nothing is around to make me mad, I suddenly am pissed and want to hit something. Even when I am not wanting to hit something, I am thinking mean thoughts. A random passerby will be in my way and my first thought is how much of an idiot they are and to get the heck out of my way(not thought that nicely). I don't even realize I am thinking that until it has already played. Or someone is trying to say hi to me and I think how they need to shut the fudge up and go away. The crazy thing is that nobody knows I even have these thoughts because I am so good at keeping my mouth shut. I have mean thoughts all day long but never say a word so nobody has any idea. It makes me feel really guilty because none of these people deserve it and I don't know why I think like this.
It is not always anger though. More often it is tears. That is what clued my mother in before I was ever diagnosed. She would ask me a simple question and I would burst into tears. Or my feelings would get hurt when nobody was even insulting me. I probably cry atleast once a day at this point. If I magically go a day without crying, it seems the next day I cry twice the amount to make up for it. Sometimes I annoy myself because I can't even talk without crying. I am so tired of always trying to hide my face when I am hysterically crying in public. I can feel people's eyes on me, probably thinking Kevin is being a jerk or something. I sometimes feel like nobody cares that I cry anymore because I do it so much. I know if all someone did was cry whenever I talked to them, I would either not want to talk to them or when I did and they started crying, it would not even phase me anymore. I don't like that. I want to cry and people care. And it does not feel like that anymore. Heck, I don't even care when I cry anymore. I just get so sad sometimes and then the tears start flowing and then I feel worse because I am once again being a cry baby.
Ontop of the anger and crying, the other biggest thing is the overwhelming anxiety. If anything...that is the worst. I can deal with being pissy. I can deal with crying. But when the anxiety hits it literally feels like the world is caving in. The other night I was taking a bath and was perfectly fine. Kevin walked in and told me that our landlord had asked me to write up something for her. It was going to be no more than a paragraph. I lost my mind. Burst into tears and was completely overwhelmed. It truly felt like I had millions of things to do and was exhausted. He asked me what I had to do other than that, and I realized I did not actually have that much to do. But it felt like it. I was suddenly so tired and could not focus on what I needed to do. I was so anxious for no reason and it happened in a split second and lasted the rest of the night. I felt like I was being attacked from all angles and would never get everything done. That was just one example. I have many days where Landon will be perfectly fine and then I will have a thought about his possibly choking while I am sleeping and I will be terrified for hours. He is fine yet I can't calm down. When I go to work, I have this fear that something will happen to Kevin and Landon while I am gone and it will be all my fault for leaving. It will be all I can think about until I get home where they are perfectly fine and nothing is wrong. Then I feel like an idiot. I have this horrible thought that CPS will show up and take him from us for me being a crap mother. I know deep down that CPS has actual bad mothers to worry about and nobody is going to take my baby for me crying a lot. Even when I am having a bad day, I still take care of him and he does not suffer. I know that deep down, yet in those moments it is terrifying. I hate when I feel anxious because it is so scary to think about ALL the bad things that can happen to me, Kevin, and Landon. Not to mention how exhausting it obviously gets after awhile. Nobody should constantly be worried about stuff happening that has little to no chance of ever occurring.
I know one day I will feel better. One day I will not be so overwhelmed and emotional. I keep getting told it happens to many women. That is a nice thought and all. Why me though? Why did it have to happen to me? I do not want to feel this way. I want to be happy and fun and make everyone like being around me. I do not want to randomly be depressed or angry. I do not want to have trouble thinking because my mind is foggy. I want the headaches to go away. I am thankful I am not worse, for example hitting people or being downright vicious or hurting myself. I know some women deal with that stuff and I am glad I caught it in time. I just want to feel better. I want to be strong for my family.
This was a really hard post to write. I want this blog to be a happy place but I know that this is a problem that is kept secret far too often and if someone who is dealing with PPD sees this, I want them to know they are not alone and to be honest with themselves as well. It is scary to admit that you are hurting. I am very scared of being judged or people thinking I need to be supervised with Landon. I am not a danger to anyone, I just am really sad. But I am always scared to be honest with people because I feel like they might think I am. I will get through this, I am determined to. I will go to the mental health appointment tomorrow and I will do whatever I have to do to fix this problem. My son deserves a mother that is happy and healthy so I will make sure I am that for my family and myself.
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