No Words

I do not have the energy or tears to write a full post and I was originally not going to post anything yet. But in the off chance that someone is out there reading, I felt it was needed to write something. So all I can do is post what was said on Facebook.

I am heartbroken to say this but the wedding will no longer be happening. Kevin and I need to do what is right for each of us and that is unfortunately not together. We both deserve to succeed and have to achieve it in our own way. We care about each other very much, as you all know. So we have to let each other grow. This is not a his fault\her fault situation and nobody needs to be put under fire for it. We both are hurt and sad and confused. This is an extremely painful thing for us to talk about but we have to announce it so we do not get asked how the wedding planning is going. Please let us heal and deal with what we have to do.


No words....just pain.

Pictures From 8\10\13

121 days to go

I apoligize for these being a couple days late. I can not find the camera cord so I had to ask my mom to upload the photos she took to Facebook so that I could take them off. I had a great time at dinner that night. It was mom, Kevin, Me, our friends Damien and Stephanie, and their one year old Lidia. Our waitress was awesome. Kevin had just come from work so he was THIRSTY so he and  Damien kept drinking all of their tea and she had to keep coming back and giving them new glasses. She was so nice about it though. My mom told her it was my birthday and she immediately went and got me a giant fudge brownie with icecream and nuts on it. (I made the joke "I will eat anything if it has nuts on it." Which apparently was taken TOTALLY not how I mean it.). Chocolate actually makes me sick if I eat too much of it, but I felt Kevin begging me telepathically to get it. So I did and then shared with him since the dinner was supposed to be for both of us. Speaking of chocolate, I made his cake early since he did not care if he got it on the 11th or the 14th.

So my brothers came back from their dads last night and we all shared the cake. I know I said I was going to sing to Kevin but I decided to let him out of it...this year. Anyway, the cake was marble with A LOT of chocolate frosting and reeses cups inbetween the two layers. And the top was more chocolate frosting with reeses cups on top. The guy likes his chocolate. Needless to say, I ate what I could and gave the rest to the "birthday boy".

Enough of me talking, onto the photos!!

Birthday Love

123 days to go

Yesterday was my 20th birthday. Yay!!. I spent most of it working and then we had a couple things we had to do and ended up not getting back to our house until late so we are going out to dinner tonight. Kevin's birthday is on the 14th so it is a sort of "combined" birthday dinner. I did have a very good birthday though so I am happy. I even got serenaded Happy Birthday by  the house. It was embarrasing and I must find a way to get Kevin subjected to the same thing. :)

There was a unexpected occurance though. Kevin was having trouble with his job and ended up needing to find something else. So because God is awesome, two days ago he got an interview at Just Breaks. And, of course, because HE is also awesome. He got the job. We are going to have to figure out how to get him there each day because it is way on the other side of the city but he is willing to do what he has to. I was very proud of him. Instead of moping because he was at risk for losing a job, he went out and fixed the problem.

So because of his new job, he had to get tools. So he decided to call his uncle because he knew he had them. So his uncle said yes and we dropped my brothers off with their father and headed to Kevin's old house. Now I am not going to go into details as to why. Normally I will be very open and tell the stories but frankly, it upsets me just to think about and I do not want to have it anywhere near my blog. But with that said, Kevin had not been back for the last two years since he moved in and we were both very nervous. When we got there everyone was very polite(thank god) and complimented how good he looks. Nobody really paid much attention to me but...I am used to it by now. Ignore me all you want, just don't be rude. (I swear I am getting to something here so just hold on). So Kevin told his uncle what tools he needed and they both went to find them. His aunt and ten year old cousin Cody came out and congratulated me and Kevin on the engagement. I guess after being planning this wedding so long, it is weird for someone to just have found out. But...I guess that is what happens. They did not truly believe we were getting married till we were four months away. So the three of them talked and I just stood there. I was still weary because I truly felt like after everything that happened, their politness was fake or... more like a slap in the face. I kept thinking "You treated Kevin like crud for allll his life and NOW you want to be in his life? Of course you do."

Then Brandon came out. When Kevin and I started dating, his aunt was pregnant with a baby. So I have literally known this kid since he was born. Last time I saw him, he was a blond chubby kid with a diaper running around the backyard. He came out yesterday and I swear I imagined that was our son. He looked IDENTICAL to Kevin. He had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes and looked at me with the same little smile that Kevin does. I called Kevin over and he walked next to me. As soon as he saw Brandon, his eyes lit up. He exclaimed "It's like a little me!!!". It was precious. Brandon kept sneaking me glances until I finally asked him about his monster truck. There was no stopping him after that. He erupted with every truck or car he has ever had an everything about it. I pretended it interested me to see each one and you could tell he loved talking about them. He drew something in the dirt and asked me what it was. At a loss, I said "A 6?" and he laughed and said " No it's a finish line!" and ran off speeding. Yep...definitly a mini Kevin.

(Okay thank you for waiting). That is when Grandma came out. Grandma was always my second favorite person when I visited Kevin when we were teens. She came over and hugged Kevin and I before standing next to me as we watched Kevin finishing up getting his tools. She asked me some questions about how he was and if he had found something she knew he was looking for. And I realized something. No matter the age difference or anybody else. The two of us have something in common and always have,and we both know it. We both have loved Kevin from the moment we laid eyes on him. We bothwant the best for him. No matter what angry things are said by others about the two of us, nobody can ever say that we both do not love him. Growing up, his mother and father were not around so his grandma stepped in and raised him. She will always be his grandma and she knows I will soon be his wife. And so I knew what I had to say. I could see it in her eyes that she needed me to say it.

Me- "He is doing really good. I know you miss him and have trouble with him not being here but I promise you that he is doing really good."

Her- "I know. That is because of you. You make sure he is okay."

I can not tell you how good that made me feel. To know that she knew that he was okay with me. That I was not going to let him get hurt. I imagined that is what Kevin hopes to feel from my mom and what I always hoped to feel from my mother in law. In a way, I did because his grandma was as close to a mother as he had. It was such a short moment but it was a moment that I hope to always remember. For our entire relationship, I have always needed to be validated by his family and I never got it. So yesterday, I was able to feel like someone finally recognized that I was trying to make a life with someone who I saw great potential in and not to tear people away from eachother. I know what Kevin is capable of and I refuse to let him be any less than that.

She later admitted that she has been diagnosed with kidney problems. If she does not watch her food she can eventually end up on dialysis. She did not make it sound like in general, she had a short time to live or anything like that. But our talk made even more sense to me. She realizes that she will not be here forever, as much as it hurt my heart to think of that day and what it will do to Kevin, so she was telling me that she knew even after she was gone, he would be in "good hands". She knew she did not have to worry about him because he was not going to go down a bad path. He is loved and that is all she has ever wanted. I realize that I could be completely wrong and she did not mean ANY of this. But all I can say is in my heart, I believe that is what she was saying.

Now to the crazy part. About a week ago, before ANY of this even was thought of. I woke up and told Kevin I had a dream where I was talking to his family and I was telling them I was not a bad person. I told his grandma(in the dream) that I was never going to hurt him and he was doing really great and not to hate me. That I loved her grandson so very much.

Is that crazy or what?!?!



The Days Are Flashing By

128 days to go

The other night I was working on the blog and Kevin looked over to me and said "Does that seriously say 180 days left? Yikes." and I laughed and said "No, it actually says 130." His eyes got HUGE. Haha. Yeah the days are flashing by. Anyway, I just wanted to update on the couple of things that I have gotten and done(which unfortunately is not a lot :) )

• We finished our invitations and sent them out. So far we have recieved 3 R.S.V.P's back. Prettttyy exciting!
• I recieved my garter set in the mail from Etsy. (Cowboys theme because it is Kevin's favorite team)
• I recieved a white jacket that says Mrs. Ellis on it to wear the day of the wedding.(Also from Etsy)

I am trying not to think about just how much more we still have to get done. I just look at things as one thing at a time and try not to stress. Everything will work out.

From the Mouth of Kevin

130 days to go

I am leaving Kevin's work today and this was the conversation.

Me- "Have a good day."

Kev-"You too."

*He walks away*

*I search the car for the keys. Nowhere to be found. I yell Kevin's name and he looks down at the keys in his hands and walks back over.*

Kev- "You see, I knew I was going to want to see you again, so I made myself steal the keys. I love you!"

That guy cracks me up :)