So this is technically going to be called Landon's 2 month update. But considering he is about to be 3 months old this Friday, I suppose it would be more his three month update. It can be whatever you want it to be.
Where do I even began? So much has happened this past month I don't even know how to sum it all up. I guess I will start with the biggest change. My last post described my battle with my own inner demon named Postpartum Depression. She is a lunatic and horrible to live with. She is something I would not wish on anyone in this entire world. But she is something I am slowly shutting the door on. Shortly after my post I went to the therapist. That was sort of a let down, not because anything really went wrong, just simply because...nothing really happened. The guy listened to my problems and then told me to ask my doctor for medication and if I wanted to "talk to someone" to call back and they would set me up with someone on the other side of Las Vegas and I would get in to see them "eventually" . I was just not in the mood to go out of my way to talk to someone "eventually". I was able to talk to my OBGYN and get prescribed Zoloft.
As soon as I filled the prescription I began taking it with the hope that it would work. And it did. In a short period of time I felt tremendously better. I have taken it every day at the exact same time(which is a big deal for me) and it has already worked so well. I still have my bad days but it is not every day and it is never as bad as it used to be. I am so happy that I was able to find a way out of the dark hole I found myself in. I am so thankful that I had a supportive family that let me work through it and didn't treat me like the horrible person I felt like I was.
Because I started on medication, I chose to stop breastfeeding. I had a really tough time with feeling like a failure. I wanted so badly to make it work. But it just got to be too much. I could barely keep myself functioning, let alone deal with the constant feeding and pumping and everything that goes along with it. As much as I hated the feeling of letting myself and my child down by stopping breastfeeding, it felt like such a relief when I put the pump away for the final time. I could focus on my baby and not worry about if he was eating enough or if it would hurt when he latched or "I am so tired but I have to pump before I can go to sleep.". I am still a big supporter of breastfeeding, even with my somewhat bad experience. Even with all the pain and stress, I loved feeding Landon and knowing he needed me and wanted to be held close. If we are blessed with future children I will try and breastfeed them also. I do not have any resentment towards breastfeeding and pray the next time with be a better experience for both of our sakes. I still have moments where I feel a sting of jealousy when I see a mother nursing. I wish it had worked out and I could still be doing it. But I tell myself that my baby is perfectly fine on formula and is no less happy.
Speaking of my little dude. My gosh! What a change in a month. In the last month he has gotten such a personality. His gummy smile is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Right now he is working on laughing. He tries so hard to laugh but just can't get it out. The couple times he has laughed while asleep have melted my heart. He has such an appetite too. He would eat all day if you let him, and he loves watching other people eat noisy foods(think slurping pasta and crunching chips). He does NOT like when daddy pretends to cry loudly. Or to be cold. Or if you take a second to long to do something. Impatient little guy, I have no idea where he gets it from. You still can not make him do anything like smile or look at you if he does not want to. He will be smiling for 10 minutes and the second you tell him to smile one more time, he will stare at you with such a serious face it will make YOU smile.
He is trying to figure out how to move and it really pisses him off that he can't. He knows how to scoot his butt but his arms will not cooperate. So he ends up looking like an inch worm. He will just kind of inchworm his way around until he tires himself out. The boy can talk your ear off too. Last night he legitimately told me all about his day for about 5 minutes. It was adorable. He just babbled and babbled and babbled some more. All with a big smile on his face. Then suddenly just stopped talking and went to eating his hand. The best feeling in the world is him sleeping on my chest. Sometimes he does not want to be anywhere else but on my chest. He will be fussing and I will put him on me, and he instantly relaxes and starts snoring. I could stay like that forever. I miss him so much when I am at work but it just makes the time I do have with him so special.
I was offered full time at work so I work every day except Tuesday and Wednsday. So that adds to my missing him, but Kevin got laid off back in September so I am doing what has to be done. I go to work and he watches Landon. Everybody and their mother has something to say about the fact I am working and he is not but I truly don't care. If he was working as well, we would have to pay for childcare or stress out about our shifts working out perfectly. I am jealous of the fact he gets to snuggle Landon all day but I know Landon is in great hands. I talk to them on every break I have and all the way home. Plus I get pictures anytime I ask. I can understand other people may not see it the way I see it but I just don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. I am lucky enough to have a good job I love. He does not have the best luck with jobs.
So instead of us fighting with eachother over stress and me tearing him down, it just makes more sense to just do what has to be done for our son. If Kevin gets a job then we will make it work. But until then, as long as our bills are paid and we have food and whatever Landon needs, then I do not mind being the one to work. He is the one who makes dinner and does whatever chores need to be done while I cuddle with Landon every night, so I do not feel taken advantage of. Maybe I sound like I am just making excuses, I am not trying to. I am just trying to explain that I know "tradition" says that he should be working but I do not see it that way. It means much more to me that a man takes care of me by making me dinner when I am too tired to do it. Letting me take a hot bath while he watches the baby. Tells me I am beautiful and can do anything I set my mind to. Doesn't hesitate to help me out with a crafting project because I am overwhelmed with it. Kevin does all of that and more so why would I throw that away because I happen to have a job and he doesn't.
I would rather be on a limited income and amazingly happy with my family, than to have millions of dollars and be miserable and treated badly. I have seen how men can treat women and what they can take from them. I am smart enough to appreciate what is and isn't important to me.
Annnnyyywaayy, kind of went off the path for a second. To sum it all up, this month has been great. I love my family and I can't wait to update you all on how much Landon has grown next month. And now for what everyone truly wants. PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S- I seriously hate how my writing gets all pushed together and looks horribly edited.
