This past month has been a lot of learning for everyone. Many tears have been shed by me out of fear and frustration. I did not expect to be so overwhelmed by everything. I have had many moments where I feel like I am just failing miserably and Landon will hate me forever.
I have had many moments where I am so stressed, that I don't think of the obvious solution to the problem. For example, our first trip to walmart left me and Landon hysterical because I was so overwhelmed by him being hungry that I didn't even think to take him out of his stroller and hold him until I was able to feed him. As soon as he was held he stopped crying and I felt horrible for not thinking of it myself.
I am not saying all this to complain. I would gladly take all the frustration over and over for him. I am simply being honest. This month has been hard and it has been scary and it has been exhausting. But it has also been amazing. Every day I become more and more confident in my ability to care for him. I learn more about Landon's personality and adapt to his likes and dislikes. I learn to take a breath and just stare at him thinking about how much I love him. I slowly have figured out ways to make everyones life easier and stopped trying to be perfect. I have learned about what the book says I should be doing and what I know is right for my son as his mother. I know there will always be bad days thrown into the good ones but I am trying to take each day as a learning experience and just do what I need to do to get through it.
My brain is a fog lately but I am going to try and give updates on various things as best as I can.
My healing has been going really well. Right after I gave birth I had trouble peeing and I swore I would never leave the hospital. But eventually I was able to do what I had to do. The nurses pushing on my stomach hurt like hell and I understand why everyone hates it now. The first two weeks were horrible when it came to getting out of bed. I felt horrible because it would take me about five minutes to get up and do something. I hated moving so slow but if I moved any faster the pain made me regret it. I had heard great things about that numbing spray but it didn't really do anything for me. The Tux pads however, AMAZING! I loved them and will definitely be stocking up with the next baby. Even though recovery hurt, I am thankful it was not as bad as it could have been. And one day it just didn't hurt as bad and every day after has gotten increasingly better.
My whole life I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I loved how much it could be beneficial for baby. I loved how much it can do for the mother and bonding the two. So my whole pregnancy I told myself and everyone else I would breastfeed. Landon came out and started eating like a champ. I was so proud of myself. As the weeks went on I encountered trouble. Breastfeeding became horrible. I was in so much pain everytime he ate and the entire time he ate, that it made me fear the next time he would get hungry. I began to hate breastfeeding because it caused me such pain which caused Landon to not get enough because I could not wait until he would finish and the pain would stop. One night when Landon was crying with hunger and I was in tears in pain and feeling frustrated, I decided to give him a sample I had gotten of formula. He was instantly happy. I felt like I had failed because I wanted to feed him only from me. I felt like I had let both of us down. But after talking to Kevin and my mom about it, I realized I had to do what was necessary for my own sanity. Making myself miserable would not benefit him. I also realized that just because I give him formula does not mean I can't still give him breastmilk. I got some formula and started giving it to him along with feeding him breastmilk as much as I could with a pump. It turns out that he had a case of thrush and that, mixed with normal cracked nipples, is what made the experience so painful. He got started on medicine and since then, feeding him has not had any pain. Unfortunately my supply plummeted due to feeding him formula and not pumping as much as I should have. I know if I work my butt off I could increase it but since I am going back to work, I just decided to continue with formula and maintain the supply I currently have. So he gets mainly formula, bottles of breastmilk when I pump it, and I try to feed him from me as much as possible because now that the pain is gone, I truly enjoy spending that time close with him. I wish thrush had been the first thing I had looked for and maybe I would not have been that in pain and he could have been solely breastfed. But I did what felt right for us and we both have been happier since. I still have moments where I feel like I failed him but I try to tell myself that as long as my baby is fed, I have not failed him.
Kevin and I have definitely had to adjust to not only being a couple but also parents. We have had to figure out how to balance eachother and a new baby who always needs us. The tiredness definitely adds stress and makes us snap at eachother occasionally. But we know how important it is that we keep our relationship strong so when we are really stressed, we try to take a deep breath and hug it out. All stress aside, he has been incredible this past month. I have cried many times for no reason simply due to hormones and he has comforted me every time. He has told me many times how amazing a mother I am and it helps my confidence a lot. He is great with Landon and it really does make me love him even more. We both have no idea what we are doing but we are sticking together as we figure it out. I cant imagine what it is like for the women who do not have a supportive significant other. I truly feel lucky to have someone who will hold my hand when I feel overwhelmed and tell me it will be alright and we will get through it together. He is so incredible and I fall more and more in love with him every day.
I also have to give my mother credit. She has been right next to Kevin giving me support. I have cried many a times in her presence as well. She has been the one teaching me that I don't have to follow the books, just do what is right for my son. Anytime I have a question about something, I go to her and she gives me an honest answer. She is who actually told me I was right about his thrush. I am just so thankful for her as well and believe our relationship has grown as well as she teaches me what she knows. Just like Kevin and I, my mom and I are trying to figure out how our relationship works as well. She has always been the "mother" and had to do everything. So now she is trying to learn how to be the "Nana" and let me be his mother. I am trying to learn that I do not have to feel like a sister when she helps me. I am his mother and he knows that. His love for his Nana will not take away from his love for me. I know she has trouble with letting me be a mother but not wanting me to be overwhelmed because she is still my mother. I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be a mother and everything she dealt with for me and my brothers. After dealing with a normal baby crying at night, I can't imagine the stress my colic caused her.
This month has been a rollercoaster, but it has been worth every second and I cant wait to see what the next month brings.
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