I Just Don't Know

In case you have not heard, I am pregnant. Yeah I know... suprising. But the thing is, one part of my brain comprehends this. I am pregnant. There will be a baby in my arms at the end of summer. I will feel things that I do not even know how to feel yet. Everything that a mother to be gets told. But it is easy to comprehend something when you are on the other side of it. I am not on that side, yet. The part of my brain that comprehends all the "soon to be's" that are coming my way, is right next to the part of my brain that is staring at a blank wall confused. And that part of my brain is scared as all hell. I know nothing to come.

I do not know what Landon looks like.
I do not know when he will be born.
I do not know if I will have a normal vaginal birth or be rushed into an emergency csection.
I do not know what day will forever be his birth day.
I do not know what I will feel when my eyes fall onto my baby boy for the first time.
I do not know what the look on Kevin's face will be like when he meets his son.
I do not know what a mother's love feels like as she watches her child take their first breath.

I just do not know. I think this worry got worse after the hospital when I realized I do not know what labor feels like. I do not know the difference between growing pains, braxton hicks, and real contractions. I have heard the whole, "You will know for sure when it is real" but that does not make anything better. I do not know what is something growing and something going wrong in my body. I just... I feel like I don't know anything. I can listen to stories and I can pretend to understand but of course I don't, I have not experienced it yet. I know how much I love him now, but that is the extent of what I know because it is the only thing I have known. That is scary. A part of me is excited to know that eventually, somehow, one day he will be born and I will know all of this. But at the same time, I have no control. And the scariest part is the knowledge that once I know all this stuff, it is real. Once I give birth, my child is no longer safe in
 my stomach. He is outside, with all the scary things, and all I can do is love him? That is the scariest thing. I want to meet him so badly. But then...how can I protect him? I am already so scared about his well being so I can only imagine how much worse it is when he is born. I just am so overwhelmed with the knowledge that one day, sooner than it feels, I will suddenly be feeling a full range of emotions for a person I just met and I have no way to prepare for them. Then that little boy will forever scare the ever living daylights out of me every moment of my life. Where is he? Is he alright? Is he still breathing? Is someone trying to pull him into a car and steal him away forever?

I know there will be fear emotions, but I am trying to focus more on the unknown love emotions. I am already so scared, yet I am also so in love already. If the fear increases then I can not wait to feel the love increase as well. I know it is only a short period of not knowing and it will be so worth it when I know everything, but it is just a lot to deal with. I apologize if this is a jumble of rambling thoughts. I just have had a lot going through my mind lately and needed to get it out. This blog is a way to remember how I felt during key moments in my life, and this is one of them, so I figured I needed to get it out somehow. I am a planner, I need to know how I will feel at all times, and I need to know every detail of what will happen every part of the day. I just am really scared of the unknown.