4 Week Update

I know it is early. i know pretty much none of these answers are relevant yet. But I want to know how my life has changed, even from day one.

How far along: 4 weeks(Size of a Poppy Seed)

Total weight gain: Haha in general, probably a lot more than the last time I weighed myself. But that has been years so I don't even know my starting weight yet.

Maternity clothes: Not yet...

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Sleep? What is that? Ugh. Since I found out, it has seemed to be I can't sleep one night, dead tired and sleep a little the next, then I can't sleep, then the next night I am dead tired and sleep a little. Hopefully I can figure something out. I am tired but then I go to bed and just lay there in the dark.

Best moment of this week: Top two, Kevin finding out and Mom finding out. Both great memories.

Miss anything: Sleep I guess. But that is it.

Movement: No and I am not one of those people who try to say I do feel it at 4 weeks.

Food cravings: Hmmm...I would say no. Before I knew I was pregnant, I was eating eggs and cheese every day all day. But I am not out of eggs so that has halted. But I am not really missing it. In fact, I am on the brink of not wanting to eat. I get ravenous for food and then when it is in front of me I do not want to eat it. It is really weird. When my stomach growls, I tell Kevin that baby cub is roaring. Haha.

Anything making you queasy or sick: The sink got clogged up last night and I could not go into the kitchen because it smelled horrible. Kevin scrubbed the sink to get all the smell out so I could not smell it anymore. *Bless his heart*. Car rides too. If they are bumpy, my stomach starts getting upset. Heart burn is what gets me. I got heartburn when I wasn't pregnant but now..yikes. I just thought of spicy chips and got heartburn. I swear to you.

Have you started to show yet: No I am just chubby.

Gender: I honestly don't care. I have plans for both genders. But if I had to pick what I think I am having, it would be a boy. It could just be because I assume it is but that is what my gut says.

Labor signs: God no. And not for a long while I hope.

Belly button in or out: In...waaayyyy in.

Wedding rings on or off: Haha. Well depends on how you want to look at it. My engagement ring is still on to answer the question.

Happy or moody most of the time: I wish I could say I was happy all the time. But I am a raging biotch. I feel so bad but anything Kevin does to be funny, I stare at him with a straight face and roll my eyes. Sometimes I am fine, but then I get that starving to death hunger and it makes me really really cranky. I hate being so pissy all the time. My hunger mixed with exaustion makes me horrible to be around I am sure.

Looking forward to: All the milestones that are coming. Heart beat, Movement, Gender, all the fun stuff. Right now I just feel fat and mean. I do not feel or look pregnant.

When I start stressing out and want to calm myself down, I close my eyes and imagine a little hand wrapped around my finger. I do not know what our baby will look like so I can't picture it. But I can picture its hand. Small and soft. It actually works to calm me down.

Little Love of Mine

December 21st-

       I don't know how I knew  but I did. I can not explain what made me take that test when I was not even late. But something made me buy that pack of tests while I was in the store getting cookies. Things kept trying to keep me from going to the store but something in me kept struggling to get there. Maybe you can say it was some instinct. I know my body and something was different. When I took the test after I got home, I almost threw it in the trash as soon as I took it because it was going to be negative and I was crazy. But then I saw something I was not expecting. A second line. That second line changed my life in an instant. Instantly I walked out of the bathroom and stood at the top of the stairs staring down at Kevin. He saw the look on my face and was completely confused. What could have happened in the bathroom that would make me look like that? I sat down next to him and said that there might possibly be a second line of a test he did not even know I was taking.

     I did not tell him because I figured I was just having an off month and nothing was any different. I was going to see the negative and move on with my life. But as I sat there next to him, I was not sure how he would react. True to his calm nature, he said "Let me take a look." so we walked into the kitchen and he looked. As soon as he held it, I knew he saw it too. It was there. At 8 at night, it was there. Also speaking of mother instinct, mine called at that EXACT moment to tell me something random. Her first sentence was "Hey mommy, can I......."  which normally is a joke  between us because she is MY mother she doesn't have to ask permission for anything. But in that moment, it threw me off. I know she was on the other end thinking I was in the middle of an argument or something. I wanted so badly to tell her but I knew I wanted to make it special since Christmas was a couple days later. After we got off the phone I burst into tears.

     You always wonder what it feels like to get a positive and now I knew. And it was overwhelming. I was so happy because my best friend was going to finally be the father of my children. We had planned for our entire relationship what our future would be like, and now it was happening. I was disappointed in myself because I had always made it clear I was going to be married and settled and now it felt like I was letting myself and Kevin down. And a feeling I was not expecting was fear. Not in a "Oh crap I am pregnant" kind of way, but in the way of, "God gave me this baby without me planning it. What if he takes it away?" That is the worst fear ever. I have become so attached to someone who I was not aware of that morning. I remembered something that the Youtube girl I watch said when she took her test and it made sense now. "God, if you are going to give me this baby. Please do not take it away from me."

     I am so in love with this baby already but I am so scared to imagine my future because what if this is my first loss. I am one of those people who loved to watch pregnancy stuff but I also was not pregnant so I watched the scary stuff too. Now the scary stuff is all I can think about.  I let Kevin know my fears and he comforted me and let me know that just because we are having a child earlier than we expected, that does not mean we can't still be amazing parents. He said that he would make sure they were safe and happy because his kids would not live the life that he did. His tone of voice made me believe him fully.

    I made my mother a sheet of paper that says, "The greatest mothers become great nana's" and put it in a picture frame to give her on Christmas morning." My grandparents and brothers are here so they will all know Christmas morning. To say that I am scared is an understatement. These are the most important people in my life and they are all going to find out at the exact same time. I just want them to react well so I don't have bad memories of them finding out.

    I pray every night and day for this child. I may not have expected him or her but they are here so I will protect them with everything I have. Kevin is so cute. He holds me every night and rubs my stomach. We both know the baby is way to small to feel anything but he knows his "baby cub" is in there somewhere and he likes to touch it. It warms my heart.

December 23rd-

    My Mimi knows. I swear she does. I was upstairs when her and Papa came in our house and when I heard them I walked to the edge of the stairs. She looked up at me and smiled, looking me up and down. I laughed and asked her "What?" and she said "Oh nothing, just looking at you." and smiled again. Then I came down and hugged her a few minutes later and she patted my stomach. She is playing with my mind, I swear to you.

   I have been testing every morning since that first test. I will stop once the ones I have are used. But for some stupid reason, I am so scared of mom opening her present and then me taking a test and not even being pregnant. It makes no sense because that can still happen even if I test the morning of. But it makes me feel better so whatever. I am sure I am driving Kevin crazy with my fear but each time he reassures me that it is out of my control. That stressing myself out will cause something to go wrong and defeat the purpose of what I am scared of. I am hoping once I go to the doctor and the days go by, my fear will not be as strong. I know I will always be scared for this child, that is my life now.

   But I just don't want to be so scared about if I am truly pregnant still or not. This morning I was scared because the lines on the test did not look any darker than the one the day before, but looking online helped me think that the one I was using was 88 cents and you get what you pay for. Other women seemed to never have it get darker on that brand. So I read that and went on with my day. I do not want to scare myself with Google. I have done that enough already.

 

December 25th-

 

  

    So yesterday my grandparents and Kevin took me to work. Apparently on the way home, my Mimi got sick and ended up being rushed to the hospital. The doctors think she is going to be fine, but they kept her overnight. I felt so bad that she was not going to be there when mom opened her present. This morning, my brothers were tearing open their presents and Kevin handed mom her presents. She always waits until everyone has opened theirs to open hers. My heart was racing so much when she finally reached for it. She opened the frame and stared down at it. Then she looked up at me. Her face...priceless. Shock is all I could see. I told her God had a sense of humor.  Put off the wedding so that we can "grow up" and I get pregnant. She took it really well though. I was so relieved. I don't think L and N understood. There was no baby around me, so they did not believe what Kevin was telling them at all. They seriously think he is just joking with them. Papa was really excited and left to take moms present to show Mimi. I can't wait to talk to Mimi after work. Speaking of work, I announce I am pregnant and then go to work until 7pm. Ugghhhh being an adult sucks. But it is what I gotta do so I sucked it up and went.

 

    I was not going to say anything on Facebook but mom asked if it was alright she post a picture and I decided to take the leap of faith. I am going to love this child for eternity, and I am going to trust that God will let me keep this child. It is exhausting to be scared about any cramp I feel, so I am just going to trust that this baby will be here in my arms 8 months from now. I truly do love this child. And his\her daddy loves them too. Very much. He called his grandma and she was excited too. I think she was as shocked as mom was. Understandable. We are trying to figure out a way to be married and be covered for pregnancy and delivery. I am so relieved to have everyone know.  I hated keeping the secret. I am the worst at keeping secrets. I told mom about Mimi making me think she knew, and mom said Mimi had told her when she was pregnant with me. Wow...that is cool. It has been a great Christmas. I am so excited and happy. Now I just need to call the doctor's office and set up an appointment.

Merry Christmas

A Little Bit Painful

I am really sorry I have not been posting much lately. I am in the middle of "something" so I have not been near my computer much. I do not want to jinx anything yet so I have not said anything. I pinky promise that I will tell you all as soon as I can. Now...as you were....

The next post in the "Getting To Know Me Series" is going to be a little bit painful. You know why? Because it is about my worst injuries! And you thought it was going to be all depressing and stuff.

The Sweet Kitty That Wasn't So Sweet

When I was about 11 or so, I went outside to play in the field next to our house. There was this black and white cat that was meowing in the field, watching me as I ran up. I stopped and looked at it because I knew some cats weren't nice. So it walked up to me and started purring. I figured it wanted to be petted since it was purring so I leaned down and touched it's head. In a split second this cat was hissing and attached to my arm. I started screaming and shaking my arm around wildly while this cat stuck to my arm. After what felt like eternity it finally detached it's claws from my little arm and I ran for my life into my house. What a sight it must have been for my mother when I burst through the door screaming and bleeding all down my arm. She asked what had happened and I didn't want to look stupid so I told her I thought it was our cat Lucky so I petted it. Um...Lucky was all black and this cat was black and white. She later pointed that out a couple days later. I ended up getting cleaned up at the house and did not need to go to the hospital but it left a nasty scar on my left arm.

That same cat 1. Knocked up our cat and she had a baby that looked just like it's dad, and I LOVED that kitten. 2. Went next door and attacked their cats so animal control came and had to put it down. That cat was a bad kitty. But I will have you know that I no longer pet ANY cat, whether they are purring or not. I have no trust for them.

Big Toe NOOOOOOO!

Right after my parents got divorced, my mother and I moved into an apartment. While she went to get some stuff from the store, I was making Macaroni and Cheese for dinner. While it was cooking I was exploring the kitchen and opening cabinets and drawers. I got to the drawer in front of the sink. I had seen the ones that popped open so I tried to do that. I pulled...and pulled...and pulled but it did not "pop open". It, in fact, popped off and out of shock I dropped the heavy piece of wood onto my foot and when I looked down my toenail had broken down the middle and was shooting blood out of it. Of course my instinct is to hop around the kitchen floor in pain, spreading blood around. And THAT is when my mother walks in the door and stares at me like, "I leave you alone for 10 minutes." She...again... helped fix me up and there was no much she could do. My nail was broken and I could barely walk on it. On the plus side, I did not have to do the running part of the Physical Training test in JROTC that year at my school do to my "problem". I know the teachers thought I was an idiot for doing that to myself but oh well. I gave them, and everyone else, a laugh that year. My nail died and eventually regrew. Unless I told you, you would never know anything had happened to it. So that is good.

I realize that both injuries are caused by me being an idiot and touching things I should not be touching. But at least I only do it once.

Today....

     

*This was our first ever picture taken*

 

       The past few days leading up to today have been bittersweet. On one side, I am so very happy to be celebrating five years with the man I love. On the other side, I kept thinking how I was going to be getting married today. This time last year, I was sure that I would be walking down the aisle and marrying him on this day. So this has caused me to be very emotional the past few days. I was so very thankful that he is here to be celebrating an anniversary at all because just two months ago I did not think that would be happening. Yet I was also...bummed I guess would be the word, that we were not going to be married by tomorrow. At first I just kept my feelings to myself because I felt stupid but the other morning I could  not stop crying and Kevin was getting frustrated because I would not tell him what was wrong. So I opened up and told him how I felt. He said it was worth it to wait a little longer and be ready for marriage when it is right for us, than to get married just because we are impatient. I agreed with what he said but like I said...I am bummed. But today is not meant to be sad at all. So anyway....

 

Happy five year anniversary. You are my best friend and the other half of my heart. From the day we met five years ago we have been inseparable and you have been the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep. I am so thankful for everything you do for me each day, big and little. You have such an amazing faith and I love knowing you wi...ll be my partner in making sure our children know about their God. You have an incredible strength and you use it to help me when I feel weak, including when I thought I was losing my mother. You were strong next to my side while I paced the hall of the waiting room in front of family, and held me while I cried in fear when we were alone. You have an incredible heart and I see parts of you that nobody else has ever seen. You do so many things for me every day just because you want to make me happy. That means alot to me. I hope you know just how important you are to me, even if I do not always show it. Every day I spend with you makes me appreciate just how in love with you I am. I love every little thing we do together because the little moments are what make me feel safe and loved with you.We have been through a lot together and I am so thankful that we are still here going strong and making our way to six years and many more. I WILL marry you one day. It may have been put off a little longer but I WILL be your wife one day. I know that with my heart. I love you in a way that I have never loved another person and I try each and every day to make sure you know that. Happy Anniversary

    

Childhood Memories

 

The next question in the "Getting To Know Me Series" is, "What are three memories from your childhood?". I thought hard about what were my favorite that I would want documented. These are the three.

Memory One-

    Every Christmas season, Mom would buy a chocolate orange and some cinnamon rolls from the grocery store. We would crawl into her big bed(well it seemed big compared to my twin bed) and she would turn on Rudolph and we would lay in bed eating our yummy snacks and watching a classic. I was such a little thing that she did not realize would be such a big memory for me but it is. I love remembering the feeling I had as we laid there watching Rudolph and other Christmas movies. That is a tradition I would love to continue with my children.

Memory Two

My second memory is being at my Mimi and Papa's house. That is not really a single memory but more of a group of them. I used to have so much fun at their house. I had quite an imagination so I was always somewhere in their house acting out something in my head. I had a big wheel at one point and I was allowed to ride it up to their church down the street and back. I had a blast riding up and down that street. I swore that I had the best big wheel  in all of California. It was the greatest  time running around their house playing. My Mimi would always make sure there was Capri Suns in the house so that became my favorite drink because it made me think of her.

Memory Three

My third memory is another Christmas tradition. At my church as a kid, they had a "Advent Fair" where kids walked around to various tables to make stuff such as wreaths and gingerbread houses. There was always about 20 tables that had different things to do and you got to put all the stuff you made in a box to take home. And they had a bunch of Christmas snacks and hot chocolate. I loved it as a kid because I got to do all kinds of different crafts and eat a bunch of yummy things while holiday music  played. I love to remember how it felt to run around and have a blast doing all sorts of stuff. It was an amazing feeling that always warms my heart to remember.

I have some really great memories that are not listed but these would be my top three.

Your Going to Hear Me Roar!!!

The next question on the "Getting To Know Me Series" is....If you were an animal, what would you be and why? Well that is easy.

                                                                            Source

I would be a lioness. I know that immediately. Why, you ask?(or even if you didn't). My sign is Leo and I have always felt that it fit my personality well. I am calm and watchful until you push me past my breaking point. Then in a flash I can snap at you for a couple seconds. Then I am calm again. I am fiercely protective of anyone I feel a maternal instinct for such as my little brothers, helpless animals, babies, etc. I like to watch from a distance and assess the scene while others go into battle. Which leads me to.... Kevin is also a Leo and he would be my Lion. While I sit back and watch, he goes and fights the battle. Then when he comes back I lick his wounds. I imagine when we have a family, we will both look over our children as Lion's and Lioness's do. Plus when we argue we fight for a good couple minutes and then we are done and the fight is over. We even have a Lion tattoo on my collarbone and his arm. So I believe that if I were an animal, it would most definitely be a Lioness. Because they are to die for. (Get it? Get it? Nevermind.)

Happy Thanksgiving

 

 

I hope you all had a safe and yummy Thanksgiving with your families. Kevin and I ate to our hearts delight at the house of a friend of my mother's boyfriend. It was a really great time. We are stuffed and will spend the rest of the night watching Glee and cuddling. Have a great night everyone!

He's Too Much

Kevin- "Did you see the thing I posted on Facebook about people with brown eyes?"

Me- "Yeah, I was going to share it but I didn't know what color my eyes were today."

Kevin- "I wonder what that is called because I have never seen anyone before who's eyes always change color like yours."

Me- "That is because I am special."

Kevin- "Well I already knew that."


This guy... he makes me blush.

Really Hurt Right Now

      So after I wrote that last post I went to sleep and woke up to a message from said "friend" saying they were no longer going to stay in contact with me due to my choices and a list of other extremely hurtful and demeaning statements that I do not feel like sharing. It really and truly hurt me to read all of her statements, even when I knew without a doubt that they were false. It really sucked. And at the end of the message she wrote that she was never talking to me and to forget her. I went to her profile and found out that I was not only taken off of her friends list, I was blocked. Blocked...a friendship of ten years ends with her saying horrible things to me and blocking me. And what can I say in response? Nothing. I did not get to say goodbye. I did not get to ask her anything. I was blocked and she will forever have that message as the last thing she ever said to me. I of course burst into tears because I was so hurt. Kevin comforted me but of course he was really mad that she did that. She did this before when she told me to choose her over Kevin and I said a true friend would not make me choose. She got mad and did not speak to me for months. So as much as she likes to talk about me needing to stop giving chances, she is not any better herself. She hurt me too. She dropped me because I was not making the choices she wanted and blamed it on "God not wanting her to watch me suffer." So I am not going to let this ruin my day. If I am not worth remaining in contact with then that shows her true feelings. So I went on Facebook ready to rant about it but my mother raised me better so instead this got posted.

 

Today I was hurt very badly by someone I thought was a close friend. I was going to come on here and post a status ranting but I decided that was not the right thing to do. I am better than that. Instead I would like to say thank you to everyone who is supportive of Kevin E and I. The people who were there to let us work out our thoughts and feelings during our breakup, both his friends, my fr...iends, and our mutual friends. You all were there for us when we were broken hearted and hurting. And the same people were there expressing their happiness when we announced we were back together. Everyone that has loved us and our relationship has helped us in more ways than I can ever express. Just knowing that there are people out there who believe in us is a very healing thing. It is easy for others to judge a relationship they are not in, and I know some people think I am an idiot. But I know what my heart says and I love this man with all my heart and soul and do not doubt for a second that he does not feel just as strongly about me. He makes mistakes just like every other twenty year old, but he would walk through fire for me and that is why we have been together for this long. There are people out there who lose the love of their life and never get them back and they spend their life asking, "What if?". Wishing they could have fixed the problems and worked it out. So God gave us that chance and we don't plan to take it for granted. We have to work through the hard times to appreciate the good times, so we are fighting for what we want together. We are united and trying our hardest so the love around us helps so much. So again, to all of you on both our friends lists who have been a support and not judgmental and mean to us and our relationship, thank you so very much.

     I will be alright......I have people to love me. I don't need those who do not support me.

Source

The Message

 I know this is going to be a rantfest and I apoligize to the readers who have to deal with this. For the most part, everyone has been so supportive since the news about Kevin and I was published. So I am thankful in so many ways to you all who have sent me kind words and congratulations. Unfortunately, certain people have "rubbed me wrong" and I need to speak about it.

    I was on lunch at work today, and called Kevin like I do every day at the same time. He told me he went onto my computer, where my Facebook account was open and saw a message from a friend of mine. He read it to see what she finally had to say.(yes it is my account but I really have nothing to hide and we have always been fine with eachother reading our stuff. So it did not bother me.)She had been acting strangely last time I talked to her so I wondered what was going on. In this message..... well I do not feel like recounting every sentence but basically this person decided to bring everything, including my faith into our issues. I was asked if I really thought God wanted me to be with Kevin. That Kevin would leave me when we had a family. Even went as far to bring up something that happened when we were fifteen. This person basically threw everything at me to imply that I was only with him because I thought that nobody else would want me and was afraid to be alone. And tried to say I should not be with him because he could hurt me again.

   This message really pissed me off. It shouldn't..I know. But it did. I am so tired of people talking trash about us being together again. HE MADE A MISTAKE. He will tell you more than anyone else that he was an idiot for doing it. He will tell you he should have never broke my heart. He will tell anyone he needs to that he is sorry, including me many many many times. He knows what he did. So why should I keep holding it over his head? What does that accomplish? And let us clarify.... he almost moved to another state. He did NOT hit me. He did NOT cheat on me. He did NOT do anything that caused unfixable damage. Heck, he did NOT even actually move. I just don't understand why people can't be supportive. Especially after I just went through months of being heartbroken over losing my best friend. If I can take steps towards healing then why can't my friend support me. Why would you see two people who are trying to make it work because they love each other, and then
 you try to make them feel guilty. Especially when there are so many people who have worse issues to work through.


    We are not perfect. We are cracked. We have things that we are still trying to figure out. But we are taking each day at a time. We will end up stronger than before because we will try. I can't tell you that we will spend happy ever after. I realize that you never know what the next day holds. I can, however, tell you that we are giving it our best shot. There is still a tremendous amount of hope for me to hang onto so I am not giving up yet. Couples have come back from far worse things. We love each other so very much. It is easy for people to judge when it is not their love of their life that they are losing. But if those same people thought about what I went through and the hope that I still have for us, they might feel the same way as I do. Kevin is who I want to be with. So I plan to fight for our relationship with all my heart and soul. And I will cherish every day I get with him. I have learned how precious each kiss and each hug and each "I love you" is. Some people don't get that back once they lose it. I did and I am so very thankful for it. And I don't plan to take it for granted every again. And neither does he.


    P.s. You know what he did today? He filled out a three hour long application for a job. Kevin...yeah...I know. I am so proud of him! We are just waiting to hear if he gets offered an interview. He does not think he did very well but I am just so proud that he tried. A three hour application is something he would not have done before. So it proves that he is making an effort and that makes me feel so proud. So everyone please cross your fingers for Kevin.

There's My Kevin

     I laid in bed in the early morning. I was awake but not willing to open my eyes due to the bright light shining in from the window. My side of the bed is always in the direct line of brightness every morning. I felt movement from his side of the bed. His hand touched my arm. I kept my eyes closed. That is when I felt his hand grasp the top of the blanket and maneuver it so that it was higher than my face. Therefor, blocking the line of bright morning sun from hitting my face. After my face was back in darkness, I felt him lay back down and fall asleep again. My heart swelled as I slowly peeked my eye open and saw him laying there peacefully. There's my Kevin.


    We are doing very well. I have seen a drastic change in his personality since things have gotten back to normal. He has been putting a lot of effort into looking and applying for jobs. His personality is no longer grumpy and weird. He shaved off his mohawk and growing beard because, "It does not look professional". His words, not mine. He has even..wait for it....stopped smoking *round of applause everyone*. I am so very proud of him. I can not express fully to you all how much I am proud of his efforts. Of course he is frustrated because he wants to have a job yesterday. I can not blame him because I know how frustrating it is. But I am so proud of him for not giving up. I am so proud of him for continuing to try and persevere. Most of all, I am proud of him for realizing what needs to be fixed and doing just that. Fixing the issues. I have so much hope in my heart for our relationship.


     The tension was drastically removed from our house once the couple that was staying with us left. It was such a great thing when I dropped them off at the airport and Kevin did not go with them. I was fearing that moment for so long and the day came, and he did not go. After we drove off, Kevin said that he was so glad he was still next to me. For days after he kept telling me how happy he was that he stayed. It was good to hear. I kept telling him how happy I was that he stayed. The other half of my heart is still next to me and that is an incredible feeling. I still have fears, I may always have them, that this will happen again. Once I have felt that pain I am terrified to feel it again. I never want to feel that lost again. I never want to face losing him again. It is a sickening feeling. But no matter my fears, I have hope. I have hope that the job situation will work out. I have hope the relationship will be stronger than ever. I have hope that all our dreams will come true.

The Hardest Day of My Life

     The next question on the list is "What is the hardest thing you have had to experience?" I have thought about what I wanted to write about for awhile now. I aim to be truly honest in this blog because what is the point of a getting to know me series that I shield things during anyway. Things such as my parents divorce are not worth putting down because I am not willing to tell the details that are needed to make the story tellable. In order for me to tell why it was so hard, I would have to tell secrets about others that I am not going to put on the internet for everyone to see. So that will have to be kept out of this post. Hopefully you readers can respect my choice in that. However when I think of the second worst thing I have experienced, I know exactly what to write about.

     My mother had fallen and sprained her ankle last May. She was leaving a pool and the area was not lit properly. So she took a tumble and injured herself pretty bad. So she was touring the world on crutches. She hated the crutches with a passion by the way. It was the day I was trying on wedding dresses. We had a great time together trying on dresses and her telling me her opinion and eventually helping me pick the dress I wanted. At one point she was trying to sit down and missed the chair and fell to the ground. We were able to laugh it off but a part of me feels horribly guilty for even laughing in the first place. I did not think it was funny that she fell. It was that stupid nervous laugh when someone gets hurt. I know my intentions were not bad, but I still feel guilty for it.


     Anyway, so I decided what I was going to put on Layaway there and was checking it all in. I could see mom behind me shifting on her good leg. I could tell she was in pain so I did my best to speed the lady up so we could leave. After I was finally done, mom asked me to pull the car up to the sidewalk so she only had to walk a short distance. I went and got the car and she got in. As soon as she was sitting next to me, I knew something was wrong. She started moaning in pain in a way I have never heard a person sound. I asked her if we were going anywhere else and she said nothing. I took it as a no and went home. As I was driving up our street I asked her if she wanted me to pull up the way I had previously so that she could get out easier. She told me she was going to stay in the car forever.I just kind of went...."okay"...and had no idea what to do.After this, mom has no memory of any of this happening. I had to tell her the details later. So I pulled into the driveway and sat there staring at her worried. All of a sudden she sits up and opens the door to get out. Did not grab her crutches at all. She just got out. Alarmed, I got out of the car and was walking around the car when I did not see her anymore. All I heard was this extremely loud groan and her say, "OH GOD!". I got to the other side and she was laying on the concrete. I asked her if she was alright and she just kept groaning and shaking.


      She was making so much noise that the neighbors came out. One neighbor just stood there watching and another started walking across the street and asking if she was alright. Normally, I would not leave my unconcious mother with a stranger but I needed to get Kevin, who was in the house. How he did not hear us, I have no idea. I asked the lady if she would stay with mom while I got my fiance and she said yes. I ran as fast as possible into the house and up the stairs. As soon as I opened the door and breathlessly begged Kevin to help me, he was running out the door ahead of me. He said he could tell something had happened horribly. So he gets outside and bends down next to her and starts trying to get her to talk to him. I guess at that point, she told him to call 911. Her voice was so low that only he could hear her. I knew something was really wrong because my mother and I could be missing a limb and we would swear we were fine. We do not dial 911.  This is where mom has vague memory restored. Mom later told me that she felt like she was dying because she saw angels walking towards her. So that is why she knew she needed serious help. So I dial 911 and talk to the operator and ask Kevin questions that I am supposed to. "Is she clammy?" "Is she having trouble breathing?" etc. In a time that was most likely a couple of minutes but felt like eternity, I saw the flashing lights of the ambulance and fire truck coming. The EMT's jumped out and started attending to mom while the main one asked me questions about her and what might be wrong.

      Kevin helped me by calling my grandparents and mom's boyfriend at the time. I was so worried about letting them know, so Kevin said he would talk to them while I did what I had to do. When the main EMT asked me what I thought might be going on, I had no idea. I told him about her leg injury and that she had trouble with her heart before. But other than that, I had no idea. I showed him her medication incase it helped at all. And then I was told what hospital she was on her way to.(Side Note that strange lady had disapeared. I still have not seen her since. A part of me believes she came to our driveway as a way for me to be able to get Kevin. If she had not come, then I have no idea how I would have been able to go inside. So I am extremely thankful to whoever she is. A part of me wonders if she was the angel mom says she saw.)


     As soon as the ambulance was on its way, Kevin and I locked up the house and were right behind it. All I could think of was making sure I grabbed her purse and glasses. It is weird what is important to you at scary times. As we followed the ambulance, Kevin asked me what had happened. Last he saw us, we were on our way to the bridal store. Now we were on our way to the hospital. I filled him in as best as I could at that moment. I was just so scared. We got to the ER and walked in. I had no idea I could just go in right there. I think a part of me might have known I could but I was scared of what I would see. I sat in the ER waiting room with Kevin just recounting what had happened over and over. Of course, my grandparents and her boyfriend had said they would be on their way as soon as they knew what was going on. My grandparents live two hours away so I can only imagine how long that ride felt. After awhile I felt the need to go in. I could not leave her all alone any more. So I talked to the nurse and she buzzed me in. Of course mom is on the other side of the ER so I had to pass a lot of really sad looking sick people and each one, I feared was her.

    Her little "cubby" was the last one in the room. As I walked up I saw her hooked up to a lot of machines and oxygen. She looked horrible. I mean, she looked beautiful because she is my mother. But considering how I usually see her, she looked horrible. I could barely recognize her. Apparently when she fell on the concrete, she fell on her face. So she had a nasty gash on the bridge of her noise that I think made her overall appearance even more scary. I walked up next to her and held her hand. She is the one laying in the hospital bed and she is asking if I am alright. Always a mother....but after a few moments she takes a ragged breath and says, "Brittany, I do not want to scare you but I am really sick. They found blood clots in my lungs and a small aneurism in my brain. My heart is working overtime." I had no words. I felt like all my breath had been taken away. I was trying to not look scared because I had to be strong for her. I stayed with her a little bit longer(at which time she asked for the glasses I had worried so much about bringing), before I went back out into the waiting room to let the doctors do their thing and wait for my grandparents. I told Kevin what was wrong and he was as speechless as I was. We just sat there holding each other.


   After everyone showed up that was called, everyone took turns going to see mom. I had been really good at not crying until one point. My grandparents were seeing mom and my Papa came out and told me that mom wanted to see me. So I followed them back there and both my Mimi and Papa were holding each of moms hands and she had her eyes closed as the machines beeped. I can not describe to you how much this looked like the scene in every movie where someone dies. I stood there for awhile and mom said she loved me and closed her eyes again. I panicked and felt like I was about to watch my mother die. I hate how dramatic this was but I was so scared, I burst into tears as I walked out of the back ER room into the waiting room. Poor Kevin saw me hysterical and thought mom had passed away. He jumped up and wrapped his arms around me asking me what was wrong. What had happened? Everyone in the waiting room was staring right at me. I did not care at all. My Papa came out and told me mom wanted me to come back. I went back in and she told me that she knew I was scared but she was not going anywhere. She said she just had a lot going on and was trying to stay awake, but that her eyes being closed was not her about to die. I tried to believe her but I was very unsure. I calmed down and went back out into the waiting room so the doctor could run some more tests.


     Kevin got completely overlooked with the whole seeing mom thing. Whenever he tried to go, everyone else went in before he could. Then when he is literally about to walk in with me, we are told they are taking her up to ICU and everyone needed to come. So we all walked back and I saw Kevin feel the same thing I did when I first saw her. We all walked to the ICU ward and went to the waiting room there. And that is basically where we lived for a couple days. Kevin and I still had to work(I had just gotten out of training the week before) so we went from rough sleep, to work, to the ICU ward. All those days are a blur because I was exausted and scared and so tired of nosy people on Facebook. Trust me, I appreciated all their great wishes. But a select few could not take a hint and kept trying to tell me what I should be doing and asking a million questions over and over. Those were the ones that I am talking about.


     When mom was being moved from ICU to the next level down, it happened to be the weekend of my brothers' visit. We had been really worried she would not get to see them due to the ICU rules. But she got moved just in time, and so Mimi got L and N for the weekend. We had talked about whether it was a good idea to let them see her. But I know my mother and seeing her babies is the best medicine. Kevin and I explained to them the kid version of her being sick so that they were not shocked. But she looked ten times better so it was not as bad as it could have been. They were of course uneasy but her face lit up so I knew it was what she needed. She talked to their father and he even brought up my 12 year old brother G to see her. That was a big deal for mom. After L and N's visit, Mimi and Papa decided it was time for them to go back to their house. Everyone was supportive but we were all stepping on each other's toes so they decided to have me call
 them and let them know if they were needed back. I promised to call them with updates every day, and I did.


    Like I said before, every day is one jumbled mess all put together. I am truly thankful for the support Kevin gave me during this. I truly am. I believed that I needed to be strong. I always feel that way when things go wrong. But Kevin was the only person I could be honest with and say, "Kevin, I am scared as heck and don't want to lose my mom." and he would hold my hand and let me cry in the cafeteria of the hospital. He knew that he and my mom are my two best friends. I can not live without either of them. So for me to be facing that, I am so happy I did not have to do it alone. I had a brave face for everyone I encountered. But with Kevin I was able to let my guard down and I knew he would not judge me the slightest bit. He just listened and prayed along with me. Slowly but surely she got her strength up to leave the hospital. Every day she got better and sometimes she had rough nights but they got farther inbetween. Eventually she was cleared to go home with restrictions. It was even scarier once we got home.


   The way it worked was she had to be on a blood thinning medication to fix the blood clots. Originally it was thought the blood clots came from her leg into her lung. It turned out that her lungs were producing the blood clots. So she had to be on medication for six months to help the blood clots. So that left the issue of the aneurism. She could not have it taken care of on the medication for the blood clots. So she had to walk around six months with a literal ticking timebomb. That was a terrifying feeling knowing that at any moment she could die of a burst. Or if she fell or cut herself bad, she could bleed to death. My invincable mom no longer was bulletproof. She now had to be very very careful. It was terrifying to live with. Her days consisted of trying not to exert herself while building her strength to go back to work...wait for it...at a hospital.Her job is very physically demanding yet she had to build her strength all over again. It was exhausting, I am sure, for her. She was alive, but not exactly the same as before. She has trouble walking down the stairs. She has to tell herself how to walk down them now. I am not sure how to explain it. It is like her brain forgets so she has to remind it. Which in itself can confuse you to think about. And right after it happened, she would be talking and then just start talking about stuff that made no sense and you just stood there confused. Luckily that has gone away tremendously. She also spells things wrong that were never spelled wrong before. It is little stuff like that, that I notice. If you had not known her for 20 years you probably would not even notice. But I do.

   But no matter what... she has made it to the other side of six months. It is November and she now is getting things ready to look at how she is doing now. Hopefully everything will fall into place and her aneurism can be fixed safely and easily. I am so thankful that she is a fighter and made it through. Life is put into perspective when your mother could have died in a split second on a seemingly happy day. The doctors told her if she had been on the driveway much longer she would have died. Even after that, they could not believe that she had made it through everything. She made it through because she is incredible and had the support of those who love her. I thank God every day that everyone came together and got each other through this horrible time.

If You Love Something.....

                                              "I don't want to go."

      Those words had been all I wanted to hear since August. I had a hope that they were coming as I watched his mood change as the days got closer to Thursday. He no longer acted excited to be going. He no longer was making plans. He looked sadder and sadder as it got closer and closer to saying goodbye. We were at church on Sunday and he was singing along with the rest of the church. All of a sudden it hit me that this would be the last time he sang with me. The tears hit me like a brick wall. I literally had to lean on the chair in front of me because I was crying so hard. Kevin put his arm around me and held me, telling me that it would be alright. I just could not believe he was going.

      I think seeing that clicked something in him. I was not in his head in that moment but something happened. Because after church we went out to lunch with my mother and her boyfriend and the boyfriend said something to him when they went off to the bathroom about a job that was out here and possible. Kevin came back and was talking about it with my mom and telling her of course now there is a job possibility. She told him that he did not have to go if he did not want to. And he said that he didn't. He did not want to go. He said that he had made a stupid mistake and did not think anybody would want him to stay so he did not say anything before. Mom and I both said he was more than welcome to stay, he just had to learn to get a job and keep it. We were not going to send him away when he did not want to go. He is too important. And just like that, the day was completely different. I was no longer counting down to a horrible day. He was not going anywhere anymore. I felt like all the hope had been given back to me.

     Now, obviously, we have stuff that needs to be worked through. I do not want anyone to think we are the type of people who just go back to before and never fix what caused the issues in the first place. That would be stupid. We both have been given a second chance and we need to work on what needs to be worked on since we have the chance to. We are not getting married until we are on our own and taking care of ourselves. We had a long talk about what happened to cause this. I am not going to go into the details because I do value the privacy of our relationship. I will share a lot here but this was important and does not need to be shared. But I will say that it was basically A. People putting stuff into his head that didn't need to be there and him letting himself believe it. and B. Us trying to get married before we were truly ready and him getting overwhelmed and panicking.


    I realize that I am taking a risk by getting back together with him. He could break my heart into a million pieces again and I will be left looking like an idiot. But I choose not to look at it that way. Yes, it could backfire on me. Or we could have seen the cracks that need to be fixed and fix them and have an even better relationship. The funny part is that if you did not know we broke up, you never would because we are not acting like it. He is being just as great as he was the day before this all happened. We were best friends before, we were best friends during, and we are still best friends. That never changed. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so there has to be a reason that this happened in the first place. And there has to be a reason that he never left. I do not know what the reason is yet but I will know one day. And to have that hope back means the world to me. He is who I want to spend my life with. He is who I want to have a family with. So he is worth the risk. He always has been.

Five Things That Make Me Happy

The next question is, "What are five things that make you happy?". This is a big question for me because lately I am trying to find anything that I can focus on to make me happy. So here we go....

Max is a cool little doggy. He is always happy to see me no matter what. Whenever I feel sad and lonely, I go see him and he acts like I am the greatest thing since squeaky toys(and he loves his squeaky toys)

                                                                             source

This is a YouTube family that I watch every day. I have been watching since she first became pregnant with Oliver and I have been watching every day since. They are such a cute family and I love getting to see a baby every day on my computer. He is precious.

This blog makes me happy. It truly does. I never knew that I was going to find such healing in writing on here. I am not sure who looks at this blog because I do not get comments but I see the views going up so I hope someone is out there, possibly finding their own joy or healing in my words. But no matter what, I love this blog and I enjoy putting the effort into making it a special place. My hope is one day this blog will have the happiness and love it originally was meant for. One day I will be able to see how far I have come. How much I have healed and grown.

Photography makes me happy. I have always loved capturing moments and them being able to last many years. Sometimes I snap a quick photo and it ends up being important to people in ways I never expected. Other times, taking photos is simply a way for me to focus on something other than my problems. It lets me escape into something other than my thoughts and make something literally beautiful out of it.

Cupcakes make me happy. That might sound stupid but it goes along the lines of the photography. Baking lets me go into a happy place when I am sad. I also enjoy the joy I bring others when I share my delicious treats with them. I am a people pleaser so when I see how happy my baking makes them, it helps bring me a sense of contentment and I no longer feel as lonely and sad with whatever is going on.

Goodbye Little Ones

     This post is actually supposed to have been posted on Sunday(since this happened before FrightDome) but I kept being supppeeerr lazy and have not wrote it yet so I told myself, "Brittany sit your butt down and write this post before another one pops up." And since I am very persuasive, here it is.

     My brothers L and N spend every other weekend with us and then the summers. It sucks we do not get more time but it is what has to happen for the time being. So when this Indiana thing first started happening, Kevin and I talked about when to tell them. Kevin said that he did not want to tell them until their last weekend that Kevin would be here. In no way was it meant to"spring" the news on them. Kevin's logic was that if they were told the last weekend he was here, then that was less time of them being sad when they walk around him. Instead of them knowing what was going to happen for months before it does, they got to enjoy the time they had with him until it was time for them to know. So Sunday morning Kevin came into my room and I asked him if he wanted to tell them now and he said yes. He had been dreading this day since we had first talked about it. I went and got L and N and told them Kevin wanted to talk to them. Of course, being little kids, all they care about is that they were not in trouble. My whole, "Let's make it a happy thing, not a sad thing." flew out the window when the four of us were sitting on my bed and I burst into tears. I just..I did not know where to start. Kevin had wanted me to talk since he was afraid he would say something in a wrong way or leave something out. So I told him as long as he was there, then I was fine with telling them. Anyway, so once I started crying, I could see the fear in L and N's face. I did not want to draw this out any more than I had to so this is basically the conversation. I can not remember every single sentence so it may seem rushed, but this conversation in total was about ten minutes so I know I am leaving out some stuff. But a lot of it was rambling and repeating stuff like I always do in stressful conversations.

Me-"When you come back to visit, Kevin will not be here anymore. He is moving to Indiana."
Kevin,-"So are Damien and Stephanie."
Me- "Yeah, so we wanted to tell you so that you were not confused when you came back and Kevin was not here. I know I am crying, but we do not want you two to think that this is bad. We will still keep in touch with Kevin so he is not going to disappear. He just will not live with us and we will not see him all the time. And we are not getting married anymore. Okay?"
I looked down at N, who just stared at me. With a look at Kevin, he takes a deep breath and looks back at me.
N- "Why?"

Why? How do I explain why to him when I am not even sure why myself. I could tell him what I know but I do not think his young brain would even comprehend what I was saying. I can't even comprehend it.  So I thought of the easiest way to say it and hoped it worked.

Me- "Because he is going to try and better himself. He might get a really good job and do really good so we are going to support him. Even though it makes us sad, we are going to support him. Just like if you wanted to do something, Kevin would support you. We can be sad and confused but we are going to support him so he can be happy."

     I looked up at Kevin to see if he liked my answer and I saw it...tears...streaming down his face. Let me say this about Kevin, he is not a cryer in the least. I have seen him cry a certain amount of times in our relationship and it has always been when he was extremely hurt or scared. I can cry at the drop of the hat, if he is crying then you know he is really upset. So normally, I would not include him crying because it could be seen as weak, but I do not believe in the least bit that he is weak for crying. Like I said, he only cries when he is truly hurt. So for him to be crying, I knew he was just as sad as the rest of us.  Anyway, so I figured everything that needed to be said was said, so I told them they could give him a hug if they wanted. L walked up and gave him a hug and then just stood there. N came up behind L and clung to Kevin. This moment said more than any words between them ever could.

     Let me give a little backstory.... when Kevin and I started dating, N was 1 and L was 3. So to the two of them, Kevin has always been around. They can not remember him not being there. So I think to them, it never occured to them that Kevin was not blood. L loves Kevin but the relationship between Kevin and N takes the cake. N thinks Kevin walks on manly big brother water. Kevin is the one who taught him how to do front flips into the pool for the first time. Who he always wanted to be on the team of during hide and seek. Who taught him the right way to hold a football. The two of them were best buds from the start, so I knew that N's silence was because he did not know what to say. So I kept quiet while the two of them held onto eachother. Neither one said a word. Kevin simply held him and cried and N had his head on Kevin's shoulder. It was not only heartbreaking, it was extremely sweet. And amazing to think that without saying a word, they were both saying so much. A lot like Kevin does with me. I looked and saw L standing there so I told him he could go back downstairs if he wanted, and he said okay and left. I am sure to someone who does not know L, his reaction is lacking. But L does not act the way other kids do. He has his own way of processing and Kevin knew that. L had listened to what I said, knew what was happening, gave Kevin a hug, and was fine. Any more questions he has will get asked as everything happens. He may not know what he wants to know yet, so I have to let him work through it himself. But both Kevin and I both know that L, in no way, was trying to be rude or look like he does not care. He cares very much. He just reacts different than most people do.

    So when I told L he could go out, N let go of Kevin and asked if he could listen to his music player. I was caught off guard because it seemed so random to ask but I said yeah. He grabs his music player and lays behind Kevin and starts listening to his songs. I watched him do this and chuckled at Kevin, saying that the two of them use music to work through their feelings. When Kevin is stressed, he turns on his Ipod and shuts out the world. And N was doing just that. I told him that he was allowed to take the music out of my room, but he said he would rather stay there behind Kevin. It was perfectly fine with me. I hugged Kevin and told him everything would be alright. We had gotten through this goodbye and we would get through everything else. When we left for Fright Dome, I told L and N that this was the last time to say goodbye. L had already said goodbye but N ran out to the front yard where Kevin was and hugged him and Kevin said he would miss him alot. I do not know how L and N will act when they come back and he is not actually here. It is one thing to hear it, it is another to actually have the person gone. But no matter what, we will get eachother through it. And hopefully everything will work out and allow Kevin to stay in their lifes. I can't bear the thought of him disappearing from their life...and mine.

     On a side note, yesterday was Halloween and the last day of Fright Dome. So now the packing starts. They get paid on Wednsday and then they buy the plane tickets. *sigh* So yeah....

Fright Dome

 

 

       Two days ago Stephanie and I had plans to go to Fright Dome to have a night of fun and of course see Kevin and Damien at work. So Kevin talked to his ride and was able to bring us with them so that we did not have to ride the bus all the way there and back. So originally Stephanie and I were going to go in costume but she ended up not wearing her full costume. I had dressed as a rocker last year for work and loved my outfit so I decided I wanted to wear it again this year(above picture). I did not do my makeup and hair as "rocking(hehe)" as I did last year but I felt attractive so I was happy. Apparently I was a little too attractive because while we were at McDonalds, some guy kept staring at my butt while I was outside talking to Kevin. So Kevin moved me where he was against the wall and stood between the creepy guy and I. So then when we went inside, creepy guy ended up there too and was staring at me. Kevin told him to stop being a perv and as Kevin,Damien, and I were walked out, the guy had the idiotic idea to say "I have the right to stare" and as quickly as he said it, I saw Damien and Kevin turn around mid step and walk back up to him and tell him that he infact did NOT have the right to stare and could meet them outside if he felt they were wrong. Haha, I swear to you that he walked out of the building and got into his car as fast as he could without looking like a chicken. Meanwhile, Kevin and Damien are asking him what he is afraid of because he thinks he has rights. It was funny. Kevin said he can't take me anywhere.

      Luckily our ride came shortly after. So the four of us went to Fright Dome and they helped us get our tickets early. Then the two guys had to leave to get into makeup and costume, so Stephanie and I walked around Adventure Dome before it was shut down and turned spooky. So at 7pm, the lines started moving and since we were at the front, we got in within a couple minutes. We started walking towards the roller coaster and through the fog I realized since we were so quick to get in, nobody else was there....except the scary people with chain saws. I swear I saw them all stare dead at us and laugh. They swarmed us with loud noises and got around us. Stephanie and I turned into sissies and clung to each other as we fought through them.

(I really do not feel like recounting every single detail because it is one of those things that is only fun when your the one experiencing it. So I am just going to skip to the interesting parts.)

     After the roller coaster we decided to find our way to the house that Kevin and Damien were in. We waited about thirty minutes and got to the front of the line. I had been told by Kevin to ask for him and the following cracked me up...

Me- "I was told to ask for Momo as a guide."

Attendant- "Momo? He is the best, are you sure you want him?"

Me- " Yes I do."

Attendant- " I will see if he is willing."

I wanted to laugh and say "I am sure he will be willing.." Little did I know....haha....

     The gayest clown I have ever seen walks out the door and up to me and asks if I am Brittany. I say yes and he laughs and says "Come on in Brittany." and Stephanie laughs.We walk in and I walk by a smirking clown that I know is Kevin. He says nothing and maintains eye contact. Gay clown does the whole make two lines and that stuff. I am in the back and he points at me and says "Except for Brittany . Brittany and her friend go in the front." I look at Kevin and he smirks. Of course everyone else in the line is confused as to who the heck I am. "Momo" gets introduced as our guide and he leads us through the door. The ENTIRE house knew who I was. Every clown I encountered said various things like "Heeeeyyy Brittany." "WELCOME Brittany" "Ah Brittany...the first victim." Some of the ones that did not say anything in general looked towards Kevin and he raised his arm and pointed down at my head. The other clowns looked at me and nodded and smiled. We got to Damien's room and he focused on Stephanie, obviously, and while he was doing his whole "I am totally scaring you but really I am just saying hi in code.", I looked at Kevin and he just stared at me. It is going to sound so stupid and really weird since we are broken up, but he entranced me. He did not say a word but the way he was staring into my eyes...I could not look away. It was like we were communicating without saying a word. It was..dare I say...hot. I don't know. I am sure that sounds ridiculous and weird. But it was really cool. Towards the end of the house, he leans close to me and tells me to meet him and Damien at 10:30pm for their break. I swear the people in line were completely intrigued by the clowns interest in me. Haha. So we get to the end of the house and I get led out of the house. It was really special to me that Kevin went through so much to make it a good experience for me. I mean...how cool is it to have an entire Fright Dome house know your name. I felt like the popular kid who everyone is interested in. I really enjoyed that experience.

       Anyway, so we went on a couple other rides and then it was almost time for their break. So we went back to their house and went through it again. I got someone else as a guide and was not impressed. Haha....totally not the same experience.  So we left the house and sat down outside it so that we could see when the guys came out. They came out and took us to another house. It was so cool because they got us to the front of the line and we did not have to wait at all. Again, everyone wanted to know who the girls were with the clowns. So we go into the house and I am getting freaked out. That is when Kevin held my hand and looked at me.

        This was a big deal and remind me something I forgot at the beginning so let me just wrap it together and explain....the other day I wrote the post about having trouble because it felt like I was replaced and forgotten because other girls had shown up. And I felt like I no longer mattered. So the girl I had an issue with was in the truck when we got picked up. I had been really scared because I imagined Kevin completely blowing me off to impress her. He did not. I got in the truck with Stephanie and Damien and Kevin got in on both sides of us and put their arms around us to keep us safe(I will not tell you why they would need to keep us safe...haha). It was a big deal with me that even in front of who I was scared of, he was not any different to me. He still was more worried about my safety and comfort than her. That spoke loudly to me more than he could every know. So fast forward to the house, he held my hand and when he looked at me, I felt the same comfort. I could tell in his eyes that he did not care if we were "together" or not. I was scared and he was there. Therefore he was going to be my safety. Just like in the truck. All my fear subsided when he did that. No matter what was happening, he wanted me to have a great night and knew if I was going to get treated with the perks of "being a girlfriend" he needed to treat me like one.

        I do not want it to sound like I am under some illusion that we are together. But for that night we were. For that night it was two couples having a great time together. For that night nobody was leaving next week. It was just him leading me through a scary house and me clinging to him for protecting. It was fun. So after the house, their break was over so they went back to the house. We only had until midnight so we went through some more houses and rides. At one point we ended up in the dance section and I got into some head bobbing thing with one of the dance clowns. It was really weird. Haha. It was fun though. At 11:50 we went outside and waited for them to come out. Our ride and them came out and we all got in the truck and went home.

       It was a great night and I can't stop talking about it. I hope I wrote it in a way that I left out the boring stuff but still made it sound as exciting as it was. Like I said earlier. Kevin made my night fantastic and I am so thankful to him for it. I had such a long time of being depressed and confused, and I will soon be it again unfortunately. But for one night I was happy. I was happy and he was the Kevin I fell in love with. He was having fun and he was helping me have fun. I will always have this night to look back on. Even when everything has fallen apart, we can still be who we have been. It made me believe in us being able to remain friends. It helped me remind myself that even when my brain makes up thoughts about him forgetting about me and turning into a different person, he is still Kevin. Our relationship may be different but we are still us. He would still defend me. He would still protect me. He would still be the Kevin I know, no matter what. Just like I hope he knows I will always be Brittany. We can still have that love for each other without it having to be a relationship kind of thing. We were talking last night that our breakup has been weird. Nobody can judge how we are acting because nobody is dealing with it like us. We have broken up but still lived together for months. We had a lot of fighting at first but would anybody else be any different in the same situation? We did not cheat and then get in a fight and break up and leave the next day. We broke up because we were at two different places in life and then we proceeded to live in the same house. So we are still in love and he comes home every night. So how do you deal with that? Nobody knows. We may have changed our Facebook status but we have no actually broken up until he leaves. So in a way, it feels like the wound is only scraped. It hurts but it is not actually worth much. But soon the wound is going to be cut open. It will be real and it will suck. Months later it will be real. Anyway, my point is not to make this post sad. It was just something Kevin and I were talking about. Sometimes I forget that I did not break up with myself. There is another part of this relationship that is hurting just like I am. Sometimes I think I let myself believe it is all me and he is immune. But from what he said..he is not immune at all. He is hurting just like I am. I wonder if he had a blog what he would say. Hmmm. There is a thought.

      Anyway, I just really had a great night and I wanted to make sure I documented it. For the nights when I am hurting and need a good memory.

All The Places....

I have about an hour in the mornings before the second bus comes to pick me up on my way to work. Usually I go into McDonalds and get something to drink but today I am battling a nasty cold and was not in the mood to sit in there. So I decided to look around Target, hoping to find a cup I could use for work. I thought nothing of it....So I spent about fifteen minutes walking around the dish aisle and could not find what I was looking for. So I wandered down another aisle and there it was. Right next to me was a piece of art. To anyone walking by, it was simply that, a piece of art. But to me it was a stab in the heart. That very piece of art was put onto Kevin and I's wedding registry. And just like that my memory of us doing our registry came flooding back. I felt the walls closing in and had to get out of Target as fast as I could.

Kevin and I have been to a lot of places, obviously. So I know that going to these same places will be tough. Some more than others. In a way, I feel like I have the short end of the stick because Kevin will be surrounded with new places with no memories of me. I will be surrounded by all memories of him. So before I wrote this post, I was thinking about what places will be the worst to experience again without him. The couple that came to mind were these....

The Mall
It is down the street from where I live and when we first moved here, Kevin and I would go there and apply for jobs. Even when we weren't looking for jobs, I loved the pizza place in the food court so he would take me there and we would get a pizza with a salad meal and talk about life. It was a lot of fun. We would wander around for hours just being together. It is where he bought my wedding jewelry at after I had longed for months for it. That same mall gets passed every day on my way to work.

The Dollar Movie Theater

It was our date night. We could not resist the temptation of dollar movies but I always ruined the budget by wanting a $13 popcorn, drink, and a candy meal. But it was our thing and we did it. Countless times we rode the bus there for a date and I ALWAYS forgot a jacket so because we always ended up going to a late show, I was left shivering in the cold and Kevin had to give me his jacket. Luckily he did not get as cold as I did. This place is the easiest to avoid because I only went there on dates with him.

Dumont

Dumont is not something that I have to worry about often. I only will go there if I encounter someone who also loves ATV's and sand cars. But I had a blast when I went with Kevin and his family and so in a way I categorize Dumont with Kevin. I am not sure if it will actually be that hard when I go again, but I will not know until I go.

Small Town We Grew Up In

I should not really have to explain this much, right? Of course our small town has a lot of memories since that is where we met and spent most of our years together. We had a lot of memories made in various places all over that town, so when I go back for various reasons, I know I will feel pains as I pass certain places in town that I experienced with Kevin.

These places may not seem that big of a deal to anyone reading, but they are a big deal for me. But I guess it is all how I look at it. I can either be sad as I pass each place. Or I can be thankful for the incredible memories I made with him at all these places. We had some great times.

Today I was talking to my mom and she was telling me how Kevin, Stephanie, and Damien were talking about how on the 6th they are planning on going down to the small town to say goodbye to Kevin's grandma and that will probably be the last time we see them before they are gone. Of course, I kind of already knew this plan. But still...hearing it being said hurt. Stupidly enough the first thought I had was, "I won't see him after the sixth? What?". I know I have not experienced the breakup to its fullest extreme because Kevin is still here every day. But to think how I feel now, before he is even gone. I can't imagine the way it will feel once he is not here. I feel like a piece of me is about to be gone.