The Hardest Day of My Life

     The next question on the list is "What is the hardest thing you have had to experience?" I have thought about what I wanted to write about for awhile now. I aim to be truly honest in this blog because what is the point of a getting to know me series that I shield things during anyway. Things such as my parents divorce are not worth putting down because I am not willing to tell the details that are needed to make the story tellable. In order for me to tell why it was so hard, I would have to tell secrets about others that I am not going to put on the internet for everyone to see. So that will have to be kept out of this post. Hopefully you readers can respect my choice in that. However when I think of the second worst thing I have experienced, I know exactly what to write about.

     My mother had fallen and sprained her ankle last May. She was leaving a pool and the area was not lit properly. So she took a tumble and injured herself pretty bad. So she was touring the world on crutches. She hated the crutches with a passion by the way. It was the day I was trying on wedding dresses. We had a great time together trying on dresses and her telling me her opinion and eventually helping me pick the dress I wanted. At one point she was trying to sit down and missed the chair and fell to the ground. We were able to laugh it off but a part of me feels horribly guilty for even laughing in the first place. I did not think it was funny that she fell. It was that stupid nervous laugh when someone gets hurt. I know my intentions were not bad, but I still feel guilty for it.


     Anyway, so I decided what I was going to put on Layaway there and was checking it all in. I could see mom behind me shifting on her good leg. I could tell she was in pain so I did my best to speed the lady up so we could leave. After I was finally done, mom asked me to pull the car up to the sidewalk so she only had to walk a short distance. I went and got the car and she got in. As soon as she was sitting next to me, I knew something was wrong. She started moaning in pain in a way I have never heard a person sound. I asked her if we were going anywhere else and she said nothing. I took it as a no and went home. As I was driving up our street I asked her if she wanted me to pull up the way I had previously so that she could get out easier. She told me she was going to stay in the car forever.I just kind of went...."okay"...and had no idea what to do.After this, mom has no memory of any of this happening. I had to tell her the details later. So I pulled into the driveway and sat there staring at her worried. All of a sudden she sits up and opens the door to get out. Did not grab her crutches at all. She just got out. Alarmed, I got out of the car and was walking around the car when I did not see her anymore. All I heard was this extremely loud groan and her say, "OH GOD!". I got to the other side and she was laying on the concrete. I asked her if she was alright and she just kept groaning and shaking.


      She was making so much noise that the neighbors came out. One neighbor just stood there watching and another started walking across the street and asking if she was alright. Normally, I would not leave my unconcious mother with a stranger but I needed to get Kevin, who was in the house. How he did not hear us, I have no idea. I asked the lady if she would stay with mom while I got my fiance and she said yes. I ran as fast as possible into the house and up the stairs. As soon as I opened the door and breathlessly begged Kevin to help me, he was running out the door ahead of me. He said he could tell something had happened horribly. So he gets outside and bends down next to her and starts trying to get her to talk to him. I guess at that point, she told him to call 911. Her voice was so low that only he could hear her. I knew something was really wrong because my mother and I could be missing a limb and we would swear we were fine. We do not dial 911.  This is where mom has vague memory restored. Mom later told me that she felt like she was dying because she saw angels walking towards her. So that is why she knew she needed serious help. So I dial 911 and talk to the operator and ask Kevin questions that I am supposed to. "Is she clammy?" "Is she having trouble breathing?" etc. In a time that was most likely a couple of minutes but felt like eternity, I saw the flashing lights of the ambulance and fire truck coming. The EMT's jumped out and started attending to mom while the main one asked me questions about her and what might be wrong.

      Kevin helped me by calling my grandparents and mom's boyfriend at the time. I was so worried about letting them know, so Kevin said he would talk to them while I did what I had to do. When the main EMT asked me what I thought might be going on, I had no idea. I told him about her leg injury and that she had trouble with her heart before. But other than that, I had no idea. I showed him her medication incase it helped at all. And then I was told what hospital she was on her way to.(Side Note that strange lady had disapeared. I still have not seen her since. A part of me believes she came to our driveway as a way for me to be able to get Kevin. If she had not come, then I have no idea how I would have been able to go inside. So I am extremely thankful to whoever she is. A part of me wonders if she was the angel mom says she saw.)


     As soon as the ambulance was on its way, Kevin and I locked up the house and were right behind it. All I could think of was making sure I grabbed her purse and glasses. It is weird what is important to you at scary times. As we followed the ambulance, Kevin asked me what had happened. Last he saw us, we were on our way to the bridal store. Now we were on our way to the hospital. I filled him in as best as I could at that moment. I was just so scared. We got to the ER and walked in. I had no idea I could just go in right there. I think a part of me might have known I could but I was scared of what I would see. I sat in the ER waiting room with Kevin just recounting what had happened over and over. Of course, my grandparents and her boyfriend had said they would be on their way as soon as they knew what was going on. My grandparents live two hours away so I can only imagine how long that ride felt. After awhile I felt the need to go in. I could not leave her all alone any more. So I talked to the nurse and she buzzed me in. Of course mom is on the other side of the ER so I had to pass a lot of really sad looking sick people and each one, I feared was her.

    Her little "cubby" was the last one in the room. As I walked up I saw her hooked up to a lot of machines and oxygen. She looked horrible. I mean, she looked beautiful because she is my mother. But considering how I usually see her, she looked horrible. I could barely recognize her. Apparently when she fell on the concrete, she fell on her face. So she had a nasty gash on the bridge of her noise that I think made her overall appearance even more scary. I walked up next to her and held her hand. She is the one laying in the hospital bed and she is asking if I am alright. Always a mother....but after a few moments she takes a ragged breath and says, "Brittany, I do not want to scare you but I am really sick. They found blood clots in my lungs and a small aneurism in my brain. My heart is working overtime." I had no words. I felt like all my breath had been taken away. I was trying to not look scared because I had to be strong for her. I stayed with her a little bit longer(at which time she asked for the glasses I had worried so much about bringing), before I went back out into the waiting room to let the doctors do their thing and wait for my grandparents. I told Kevin what was wrong and he was as speechless as I was. We just sat there holding each other.


   After everyone showed up that was called, everyone took turns going to see mom. I had been really good at not crying until one point. My grandparents were seeing mom and my Papa came out and told me that mom wanted to see me. So I followed them back there and both my Mimi and Papa were holding each of moms hands and she had her eyes closed as the machines beeped. I can not describe to you how much this looked like the scene in every movie where someone dies. I stood there for awhile and mom said she loved me and closed her eyes again. I panicked and felt like I was about to watch my mother die. I hate how dramatic this was but I was so scared, I burst into tears as I walked out of the back ER room into the waiting room. Poor Kevin saw me hysterical and thought mom had passed away. He jumped up and wrapped his arms around me asking me what was wrong. What had happened? Everyone in the waiting room was staring right at me. I did not care at all. My Papa came out and told me mom wanted me to come back. I went back in and she told me that she knew I was scared but she was not going anywhere. She said she just had a lot going on and was trying to stay awake, but that her eyes being closed was not her about to die. I tried to believe her but I was very unsure. I calmed down and went back out into the waiting room so the doctor could run some more tests.


     Kevin got completely overlooked with the whole seeing mom thing. Whenever he tried to go, everyone else went in before he could. Then when he is literally about to walk in with me, we are told they are taking her up to ICU and everyone needed to come. So we all walked back and I saw Kevin feel the same thing I did when I first saw her. We all walked to the ICU ward and went to the waiting room there. And that is basically where we lived for a couple days. Kevin and I still had to work(I had just gotten out of training the week before) so we went from rough sleep, to work, to the ICU ward. All those days are a blur because I was exausted and scared and so tired of nosy people on Facebook. Trust me, I appreciated all their great wishes. But a select few could not take a hint and kept trying to tell me what I should be doing and asking a million questions over and over. Those were the ones that I am talking about.


     When mom was being moved from ICU to the next level down, it happened to be the weekend of my brothers' visit. We had been really worried she would not get to see them due to the ICU rules. But she got moved just in time, and so Mimi got L and N for the weekend. We had talked about whether it was a good idea to let them see her. But I know my mother and seeing her babies is the best medicine. Kevin and I explained to them the kid version of her being sick so that they were not shocked. But she looked ten times better so it was not as bad as it could have been. They were of course uneasy but her face lit up so I knew it was what she needed. She talked to their father and he even brought up my 12 year old brother G to see her. That was a big deal for mom. After L and N's visit, Mimi and Papa decided it was time for them to go back to their house. Everyone was supportive but we were all stepping on each other's toes so they decided to have me call
 them and let them know if they were needed back. I promised to call them with updates every day, and I did.


    Like I said before, every day is one jumbled mess all put together. I am truly thankful for the support Kevin gave me during this. I truly am. I believed that I needed to be strong. I always feel that way when things go wrong. But Kevin was the only person I could be honest with and say, "Kevin, I am scared as heck and don't want to lose my mom." and he would hold my hand and let me cry in the cafeteria of the hospital. He knew that he and my mom are my two best friends. I can not live without either of them. So for me to be facing that, I am so happy I did not have to do it alone. I had a brave face for everyone I encountered. But with Kevin I was able to let my guard down and I knew he would not judge me the slightest bit. He just listened and prayed along with me. Slowly but surely she got her strength up to leave the hospital. Every day she got better and sometimes she had rough nights but they got farther inbetween. Eventually she was cleared to go home with restrictions. It was even scarier once we got home.


   The way it worked was she had to be on a blood thinning medication to fix the blood clots. Originally it was thought the blood clots came from her leg into her lung. It turned out that her lungs were producing the blood clots. So she had to be on medication for six months to help the blood clots. So that left the issue of the aneurism. She could not have it taken care of on the medication for the blood clots. So she had to walk around six months with a literal ticking timebomb. That was a terrifying feeling knowing that at any moment she could die of a burst. Or if she fell or cut herself bad, she could bleed to death. My invincable mom no longer was bulletproof. She now had to be very very careful. It was terrifying to live with. Her days consisted of trying not to exert herself while building her strength to go back to work...wait for it...at a hospital.Her job is very physically demanding yet she had to build her strength all over again. It was exhausting, I am sure, for her. She was alive, but not exactly the same as before. She has trouble walking down the stairs. She has to tell herself how to walk down them now. I am not sure how to explain it. It is like her brain forgets so she has to remind it. Which in itself can confuse you to think about. And right after it happened, she would be talking and then just start talking about stuff that made no sense and you just stood there confused. Luckily that has gone away tremendously. She also spells things wrong that were never spelled wrong before. It is little stuff like that, that I notice. If you had not known her for 20 years you probably would not even notice. But I do.

   But no matter what... she has made it to the other side of six months. It is November and she now is getting things ready to look at how she is doing now. Hopefully everything will fall into place and her aneurism can be fixed safely and easily. I am so thankful that she is a fighter and made it through. Life is put into perspective when your mother could have died in a split second on a seemingly happy day. The doctors told her if she had been on the driveway much longer she would have died. Even after that, they could not believe that she had made it through everything. She made it through because she is incredible and had the support of those who love her. I thank God every day that everyone came together and got each other through this horrible time.