This post is actually supposed to have been posted on Sunday(since this happened before FrightDome) but I kept being supppeeerr lazy and have not wrote it yet so I told myself, "Brittany sit your butt down and write this post before another one pops up." And since I am very persuasive, here it is.
My brothers L and N spend every other weekend with us and then the summers. It sucks we do not get more time but it is what has to happen for the time being. So when this Indiana thing first started happening, Kevin and I talked about when to tell them. Kevin said that he did not want to tell them until their last weekend that Kevin would be here. In no way was it meant to"spring" the news on them. Kevin's logic was that if they were told the last weekend he was here, then that was less time of them being sad when they walk around him. Instead of them knowing what was going to happen for months before it does, they got to enjoy the time they had with him until it was time for them to know. So Sunday morning Kevin came into my room and I asked him if he wanted to tell them now and he said yes. He had been dreading this day since we had first talked about it. I went and got L and N and told them Kevin wanted to talk to them. Of course, being little kids, all they care about is that they were not in trouble. My whole, "Let's make it a happy thing, not a sad thing." flew out the window when the four of us were sitting on my bed and I burst into tears. I just..I did not know where to start. Kevin had wanted me to talk since he was afraid he would say something in a wrong way or leave something out. So I told him as long as he was there, then I was fine with telling them. Anyway, so once I started crying, I could see the fear in L and N's face. I did not want to draw this out any more than I had to so this is basically the conversation. I can not remember every single sentence so it may seem rushed, but this conversation in total was about ten minutes so I know I am leaving out some stuff. But a lot of it was rambling and repeating stuff like I always do in stressful conversations.
Me-"When you come back to visit, Kevin will not be here anymore. He is moving to Indiana."
Kevin,-"So are Damien and Stephanie."
Me- "Yeah, so we wanted to tell you so that you were not confused when you came back and Kevin was not here. I know I am crying, but we do not want you two to think that this is bad. We will still keep in touch with Kevin so he is not going to disappear. He just will not live with us and we will not see him all the time. And we are not getting married anymore. Okay?"
I looked down at N, who just stared at me. With a look at Kevin, he takes a deep breath and looks back at me.
N- "Why?"
Why? How do I explain why to him when I am not even sure why myself. I could tell him what I know but I do not think his young brain would even comprehend what I was saying. I can't even comprehend it. So I thought of the easiest way to say it and hoped it worked.
Me- "Because he is going to try and better himself. He might get a really good job and do really good so we are going to support him. Even though it makes us sad, we are going to support him. Just like if you wanted to do something, Kevin would support you. We can be sad and confused but we are going to support him so he can be happy."
I looked up at Kevin to see if he liked my answer and I saw it...tears...streaming down his face. Let me say this about Kevin, he is not a cryer in the least. I have seen him cry a certain amount of times in our relationship and it has always been when he was extremely hurt or scared. I can cry at the drop of the hat, if he is crying then you know he is really upset. So normally, I would not include him crying because it could be seen as weak, but I do not believe in the least bit that he is weak for crying. Like I said, he only cries when he is truly hurt. So for him to be crying, I knew he was just as sad as the rest of us. Anyway, so I figured everything that needed to be said was said, so I told them they could give him a hug if they wanted. L walked up and gave him a hug and then just stood there. N came up behind L and clung to Kevin. This moment said more than any words between them ever could.
Let me give a little backstory.... when Kevin and I started dating, N was 1 and L was 3. So to the two of them, Kevin has always been around. They can not remember him not being there. So I think to them, it never occured to them that Kevin was not blood. L loves Kevin but the relationship between Kevin and N takes the cake. N thinks Kevin walks on manly big brother water. Kevin is the one who taught him how to do front flips into the pool for the first time. Who he always wanted to be on the team of during hide and seek. Who taught him the right way to hold a football. The two of them were best buds from the start, so I knew that N's silence was because he did not know what to say. So I kept quiet while the two of them held onto eachother. Neither one said a word. Kevin simply held him and cried and N had his head on Kevin's shoulder. It was not only heartbreaking, it was extremely sweet. And amazing to think that without saying a word, they were both saying so much. A lot like Kevin does with me. I looked and saw L standing there so I told him he could go back downstairs if he wanted, and he said okay and left. I am sure to someone who does not know L, his reaction is lacking. But L does not act the way other kids do. He has his own way of processing and Kevin knew that. L had listened to what I said, knew what was happening, gave Kevin a hug, and was fine. Any more questions he has will get asked as everything happens. He may not know what he wants to know yet, so I have to let him work through it himself. But both Kevin and I both know that L, in no way, was trying to be rude or look like he does not care. He cares very much. He just reacts different than most people do.
So when I told L he could go out, N let go of Kevin and asked if he could listen to his music player. I was caught off guard because it seemed so random to ask but I said yeah. He grabs his music player and lays behind Kevin and starts listening to his songs. I watched him do this and chuckled at Kevin, saying that the two of them use music to work through their feelings. When Kevin is stressed, he turns on his Ipod and shuts out the world. And N was doing just that. I told him that he was allowed to take the music out of my room, but he said he would rather stay there behind Kevin. It was perfectly fine with me. I hugged Kevin and told him everything would be alright. We had gotten through this goodbye and we would get through everything else. When we left for Fright Dome, I told L and N that this was the last time to say goodbye. L had already said goodbye but N ran out to the front yard where Kevin was and hugged him and Kevin said he would miss him alot. I do not know how L and N will act when they come back and he is not actually here. It is one thing to hear it, it is another to actually have the person gone. But no matter what, we will get eachother through it. And hopefully everything will work out and allow Kevin to stay in their lifes. I can't bear the thought of him disappearing from their life...and mine.
On a side note, yesterday was Halloween and the last day of Fright Dome. So now the packing starts. They get paid on Wednsday and then they buy the plane tickets. *sigh* So yeah....
No comments:
Post a Comment