If You Love Something.....

                                              "I don't want to go."

      Those words had been all I wanted to hear since August. I had a hope that they were coming as I watched his mood change as the days got closer to Thursday. He no longer acted excited to be going. He no longer was making plans. He looked sadder and sadder as it got closer and closer to saying goodbye. We were at church on Sunday and he was singing along with the rest of the church. All of a sudden it hit me that this would be the last time he sang with me. The tears hit me like a brick wall. I literally had to lean on the chair in front of me because I was crying so hard. Kevin put his arm around me and held me, telling me that it would be alright. I just could not believe he was going.

      I think seeing that clicked something in him. I was not in his head in that moment but something happened. Because after church we went out to lunch with my mother and her boyfriend and the boyfriend said something to him when they went off to the bathroom about a job that was out here and possible. Kevin came back and was talking about it with my mom and telling her of course now there is a job possibility. She told him that he did not have to go if he did not want to. And he said that he didn't. He did not want to go. He said that he had made a stupid mistake and did not think anybody would want him to stay so he did not say anything before. Mom and I both said he was more than welcome to stay, he just had to learn to get a job and keep it. We were not going to send him away when he did not want to go. He is too important. And just like that, the day was completely different. I was no longer counting down to a horrible day. He was not going anywhere anymore. I felt like all the hope had been given back to me.

     Now, obviously, we have stuff that needs to be worked through. I do not want anyone to think we are the type of people who just go back to before and never fix what caused the issues in the first place. That would be stupid. We both have been given a second chance and we need to work on what needs to be worked on since we have the chance to. We are not getting married until we are on our own and taking care of ourselves. We had a long talk about what happened to cause this. I am not going to go into the details because I do value the privacy of our relationship. I will share a lot here but this was important and does not need to be shared. But I will say that it was basically A. People putting stuff into his head that didn't need to be there and him letting himself believe it. and B. Us trying to get married before we were truly ready and him getting overwhelmed and panicking.


    I realize that I am taking a risk by getting back together with him. He could break my heart into a million pieces again and I will be left looking like an idiot. But I choose not to look at it that way. Yes, it could backfire on me. Or we could have seen the cracks that need to be fixed and fix them and have an even better relationship. The funny part is that if you did not know we broke up, you never would because we are not acting like it. He is being just as great as he was the day before this all happened. We were best friends before, we were best friends during, and we are still best friends. That never changed. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so there has to be a reason that this happened in the first place. And there has to be a reason that he never left. I do not know what the reason is yet but I will know one day. And to have that hope back means the world to me. He is who I want to spend my life with. He is who I want to have a family with. So he is worth the risk. He always has been.