Little Love of Mine

December 21st-

       I don't know how I knew  but I did. I can not explain what made me take that test when I was not even late. But something made me buy that pack of tests while I was in the store getting cookies. Things kept trying to keep me from going to the store but something in me kept struggling to get there. Maybe you can say it was some instinct. I know my body and something was different. When I took the test after I got home, I almost threw it in the trash as soon as I took it because it was going to be negative and I was crazy. But then I saw something I was not expecting. A second line. That second line changed my life in an instant. Instantly I walked out of the bathroom and stood at the top of the stairs staring down at Kevin. He saw the look on my face and was completely confused. What could have happened in the bathroom that would make me look like that? I sat down next to him and said that there might possibly be a second line of a test he did not even know I was taking.

     I did not tell him because I figured I was just having an off month and nothing was any different. I was going to see the negative and move on with my life. But as I sat there next to him, I was not sure how he would react. True to his calm nature, he said "Let me take a look." so we walked into the kitchen and he looked. As soon as he held it, I knew he saw it too. It was there. At 8 at night, it was there. Also speaking of mother instinct, mine called at that EXACT moment to tell me something random. Her first sentence was "Hey mommy, can I......."  which normally is a joke  between us because she is MY mother she doesn't have to ask permission for anything. But in that moment, it threw me off. I know she was on the other end thinking I was in the middle of an argument or something. I wanted so badly to tell her but I knew I wanted to make it special since Christmas was a couple days later. After we got off the phone I burst into tears.

     You always wonder what it feels like to get a positive and now I knew. And it was overwhelming. I was so happy because my best friend was going to finally be the father of my children. We had planned for our entire relationship what our future would be like, and now it was happening. I was disappointed in myself because I had always made it clear I was going to be married and settled and now it felt like I was letting myself and Kevin down. And a feeling I was not expecting was fear. Not in a "Oh crap I am pregnant" kind of way, but in the way of, "God gave me this baby without me planning it. What if he takes it away?" That is the worst fear ever. I have become so attached to someone who I was not aware of that morning. I remembered something that the Youtube girl I watch said when she took her test and it made sense now. "God, if you are going to give me this baby. Please do not take it away from me."

     I am so in love with this baby already but I am so scared to imagine my future because what if this is my first loss. I am one of those people who loved to watch pregnancy stuff but I also was not pregnant so I watched the scary stuff too. Now the scary stuff is all I can think about.  I let Kevin know my fears and he comforted me and let me know that just because we are having a child earlier than we expected, that does not mean we can't still be amazing parents. He said that he would make sure they were safe and happy because his kids would not live the life that he did. His tone of voice made me believe him fully.

    I made my mother a sheet of paper that says, "The greatest mothers become great nana's" and put it in a picture frame to give her on Christmas morning." My grandparents and brothers are here so they will all know Christmas morning. To say that I am scared is an understatement. These are the most important people in my life and they are all going to find out at the exact same time. I just want them to react well so I don't have bad memories of them finding out.

    I pray every night and day for this child. I may not have expected him or her but they are here so I will protect them with everything I have. Kevin is so cute. He holds me every night and rubs my stomach. We both know the baby is way to small to feel anything but he knows his "baby cub" is in there somewhere and he likes to touch it. It warms my heart.

December 23rd-

    My Mimi knows. I swear she does. I was upstairs when her and Papa came in our house and when I heard them I walked to the edge of the stairs. She looked up at me and smiled, looking me up and down. I laughed and asked her "What?" and she said "Oh nothing, just looking at you." and smiled again. Then I came down and hugged her a few minutes later and she patted my stomach. She is playing with my mind, I swear to you.

   I have been testing every morning since that first test. I will stop once the ones I have are used. But for some stupid reason, I am so scared of mom opening her present and then me taking a test and not even being pregnant. It makes no sense because that can still happen even if I test the morning of. But it makes me feel better so whatever. I am sure I am driving Kevin crazy with my fear but each time he reassures me that it is out of my control. That stressing myself out will cause something to go wrong and defeat the purpose of what I am scared of. I am hoping once I go to the doctor and the days go by, my fear will not be as strong. I know I will always be scared for this child, that is my life now.

   But I just don't want to be so scared about if I am truly pregnant still or not. This morning I was scared because the lines on the test did not look any darker than the one the day before, but looking online helped me think that the one I was using was 88 cents and you get what you pay for. Other women seemed to never have it get darker on that brand. So I read that and went on with my day. I do not want to scare myself with Google. I have done that enough already.

 

December 25th-

 

  

    So yesterday my grandparents and Kevin took me to work. Apparently on the way home, my Mimi got sick and ended up being rushed to the hospital. The doctors think she is going to be fine, but they kept her overnight. I felt so bad that she was not going to be there when mom opened her present. This morning, my brothers were tearing open their presents and Kevin handed mom her presents. She always waits until everyone has opened theirs to open hers. My heart was racing so much when she finally reached for it. She opened the frame and stared down at it. Then she looked up at me. Her face...priceless. Shock is all I could see. I told her God had a sense of humor.  Put off the wedding so that we can "grow up" and I get pregnant. She took it really well though. I was so relieved. I don't think L and N understood. There was no baby around me, so they did not believe what Kevin was telling them at all. They seriously think he is just joking with them. Papa was really excited and left to take moms present to show Mimi. I can't wait to talk to Mimi after work. Speaking of work, I announce I am pregnant and then go to work until 7pm. Ugghhhh being an adult sucks. But it is what I gotta do so I sucked it up and went.

 

    I was not going to say anything on Facebook but mom asked if it was alright she post a picture and I decided to take the leap of faith. I am going to love this child for eternity, and I am going to trust that God will let me keep this child. It is exhausting to be scared about any cramp I feel, so I am just going to trust that this baby will be here in my arms 8 months from now. I truly do love this child. And his\her daddy loves them too. Very much. He called his grandma and she was excited too. I think she was as shocked as mom was. Understandable. We are trying to figure out a way to be married and be covered for pregnancy and delivery. I am so relieved to have everyone know.  I hated keeping the secret. I am the worst at keeping secrets. I told mom about Mimi making me think she knew, and mom said Mimi had told her when she was pregnant with me. Wow...that is cool. It has been a great Christmas. I am so excited and happy. Now I just need to call the doctor's office and set up an appointment.