Should I?

I love to make video montages. It has always been my thing. Any big event that happened, I made a montage for it. And from what people said, they were pretty good. So of course I made one for the wedding. I spent countless hours on it making sure it was perfect. Then all of a sudden, the wedding isn't happening. So the video literally looks really good and then stopped abruptly. It is extremely sad for me to look at. And I still can not watch the video because I know I will break down as soon as I do. But my problem, and the reason for the title, was that as I stared at the link for the website, I needed to decide if I was going to order the video and put it in the box from the post before. I felt like if I ordered it, I was not letting go correctly. But there is so much love in that video and I worked so hard on it, I felt like something was missing from the box if I did not put it in there. So after thinking about it for about a week, I decided to order it.

I had signed up to be a VIP(or whatever it is called on the website) so I could have unlimited perks. So when I did that, I got a free dvd with it and all I had to do was pay shipping. So today I finally clicked order and took a breath. Like I said before, I do not know what to do in any situation I am faced with lately. So I just do it and if I regret it later than so be it. But I believe if something keeps putting itself in your mind then there is a reason for it being there. This video was going to be one of the most important ones I ever made so I could not let it just be left on some website and never appreciated. If it gets put in the box and never seen because I am never able to watch it, then that will be something I deal with. But just knowing it will be there when I have the strength makes me feel better. It is just really sad that there is techically no end to the video. It just stops so suddenly and looks wrong. *sigh* but I guess it signifies something. I hope one day I am able to watch it and appreciate it for what it was and the good times we had. But right now, I can't.

I read something that says I am in the process of grief and the problem with grief is that it is unpredictable. That makes sense. That is how I feel. Yesterday I was fine. Today, the tears keep trying to come. I have too much I have to get done today to be crying. This past week my car and phone both broke. So I have been riding the bus and walking waaaayyyyy to far for my comfort. Not to mention working. So I do not have time to cry. But the tears keep coming to my eyes and burning them. That horrible burn your nose cry. Yeah, so then I have to take a breath and tell myself I am fine and focus on something else.

Kevin started his halloween job so he will basically not be around from now on, except for a day or two here and there. So I am sure in some way, that makes it even worse. I miss him just like I did last year when he did the job. But the difference is that last year we were not broken up and he was not leaving next month. Next month....I just realized that. This morning I got to talk to him a couple minutes while he was half asleep. In his half asleep state he was telling me about the makeup artist flirting with him. I know he did not mean for it to be upsetting. Usually we joke about people who flirt with him at the job. But today, I was already not in the mood, and I kept thinking how nothing was stopping him from doing lord knows what with any of the girls there. I did not like that thought. I hate the thought of someone else touching him. I hate the thought of someone else flirting with him. I hate the thought of someone else "being" with him. I hate it all. Like I said, I am sure his comments could be taken in a mean way. Maybe I should take them insultingly. I don't know. But like I said, 1. He was half asleep so he probally will not even be aware he said it. 2. We were just joking the other day about some weird girl who was hitting on him. So I don't feel it is right to think it is funny one day and then guilt him the next day. It is just a heartbreaking feeling when he has the ability to give his heart to someone who might not deserve it. I want him to be happy but I do not know how to let him be happy without me.

The problem that is even worse.....I can feel the breakdown coming. I am not to the laying on the floor screaming and crying point yet. But I can feel it. I am right there on the brink. It is a horrible and terrifying feeling knowing it is coming. It might not come for weeks. It might not even come for months. But it is coming. I can feel it with every breath I take. I do not know what to do when it hits. But it is coming. And I hate knowing that. I can only be "I am fine, don't worry. We are doing good." for so long. Once "the breakdown" hits, I am going to need all the prayer I can get.