Remember....

When I am afraid that I made a mistake not moving, I want to remember this morning when I was talking to him about about needing to buy Max dog food, and he telling me if I was unable to get it by the time Kevin got his first check that he would "try" to find some money to buy it but was not sure because his money was going to "other things", such as a tounge ring,games,etc. This is what I want to remember. This is why I can't move. Because once again, I will be the one taking care of everything while he has no mindset to put any money towards what is actually needed. He is worried about having no internet, but does not want to put any money towards the bill. I am the one who has to ride the bus to pay for it with my money. I am not trying to bash him, I just can not believe that he has no problem watching me try to figure out how to pay for everything. I can not believe I was going to allow that for the rest of my life. How he acts now is not any different than how he acted before, but now I am done with it.

This is why I can't move with him. I would be suffering over there. If you do not have the motivation now, what is supposed to make me think you would have the motivation then? When Max needs food and I can not afford it, what then? When the power is going to be shut of, what then? When he shows up with a new game controller, what then? When he trips and falls into the garage wall and busts a hole, why am I the one who is stressing about getting it fixed? I did not break anything. *sigh* I just do not understand why he is so un-intrested in doing what is responsible. I do not mean to get on a high horse or anything. I know it is the same thing I told myself was fine last year and the year before. But I just look back and think, " Why did I think this was alright? Why does he think this is alright?"

I said something about a hole in the wall and he said, "You need to get high and chill out." WHAT?!?!?!!? Since when do you think that is even an option? Lord only knows why he suddenly says stuff like that. I am simply venting, since this blog is to let me figure out my thoughts and feelings. I just am frustrated, maybe because a part of me wanted us to breakup and him suddenly become what I needed and us get back together and be fine. But as he pulls more and more away and falls down the path I prayed he would never fall, I see that nothing I do with be what he wants. What I do not want him doing, he wants to do. So holding him back is going to do nothing but cause us both to fight and hurt. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I can not guide him through life while trying to raise myself. If he wants to buy video games instead of food, then he will be the one who has to be hungry. But I won't have to worry about his video game causing ME hunger.

Whenever he talks about going out there, he tells me about him getting on his feet and getting his own place and everything. Which is a great thought and I am sincerely rooting for him(even if it does not sound like that in this post), but I just do not know how he is going to do that when he is sitting in front of me with no motivation to pay anything. I understand that he only gets two checks with this job but A. when he gets the checks, the main part is going to Indiana which is fine. But the rest is going to entertainment stuff. Not offered to help survive. B. He donates plasma as a way to get extra cash day to day. NONE of that goes to food for everyone to eat. Or anything to survive. I realize that I am bitching about bills this whole time, but again if he is not in the mindset to pay bills then how is he ever going to survive on his own? If he has not gotten into the habit of paying what needs to be paid before goodies, then how is he going to do it out there? I just do not understand. Maybe that is me being a goody two shoes, maybe that is me being stuck up, maybe that is me being controlling. But maybe, just maybe, this is my attempt to not be the people on the side of the road begging for money to live. I have been hungry. Not "oh I would love a cheesburger", the kind of hungry where my stomach is caving in on itself and I am eating water and crackers just so I can sleep. I have been the poor where I put pennies together to try and buy some dish soap before they pile up. I know what it is like to hear my little brothers beg for an icecream and my mother not be able to get it for them, and it break her heart. I know what it is like to pray to god my shoes don't break any more because they are the only pair my work allows.

I can not live that life. I do not want to. I understand that life throws you curve balls and as a couple you have to get through them. I understand that. What I don't understand is the man who knows there is no bread and uses his money on cigarettes. The man who is not willing to collect cans to get "anything" in the house for the children. The man who cares more about his own wants than other peoples needs. I am sure his intentions are good. He has that "young" brain that does not think ahead and wants what satisfies him now. I HOPE, I PRAY, I BEG that when he gets out there on his own, he realizes what needs to be done and actually does it. I know everything he has said he would do. But he said that all before when he was promising me a certain kind of life. And he did not follow through. I hope that he is able to get out there and realize what he needs to do. He has always had someone take care of him, so I think that is part of the problem. He has never had to "be a man". I am in no way saying he is not a man. He is very much a man. I am talking about the responsibility of being a man, if that makes sense. Maybe when he has no money for electricity then he will realize how important it is to keep a job. I hope so. Because if he does and learns to grow up, then there is hope. But if not, then there is nothing I can do. But god....I pray he is able to.  Somebody can say whatever they want. But actions speak louder than words.  And this is what I need to think about when I feel guilty for not "taking the risk".