Fright Dome

 

 

       Two days ago Stephanie and I had plans to go to Fright Dome to have a night of fun and of course see Kevin and Damien at work. So Kevin talked to his ride and was able to bring us with them so that we did not have to ride the bus all the way there and back. So originally Stephanie and I were going to go in costume but she ended up not wearing her full costume. I had dressed as a rocker last year for work and loved my outfit so I decided I wanted to wear it again this year(above picture). I did not do my makeup and hair as "rocking(hehe)" as I did last year but I felt attractive so I was happy. Apparently I was a little too attractive because while we were at McDonalds, some guy kept staring at my butt while I was outside talking to Kevin. So Kevin moved me where he was against the wall and stood between the creepy guy and I. So then when we went inside, creepy guy ended up there too and was staring at me. Kevin told him to stop being a perv and as Kevin,Damien, and I were walked out, the guy had the idiotic idea to say "I have the right to stare" and as quickly as he said it, I saw Damien and Kevin turn around mid step and walk back up to him and tell him that he infact did NOT have the right to stare and could meet them outside if he felt they were wrong. Haha, I swear to you that he walked out of the building and got into his car as fast as he could without looking like a chicken. Meanwhile, Kevin and Damien are asking him what he is afraid of because he thinks he has rights. It was funny. Kevin said he can't take me anywhere.

      Luckily our ride came shortly after. So the four of us went to Fright Dome and they helped us get our tickets early. Then the two guys had to leave to get into makeup and costume, so Stephanie and I walked around Adventure Dome before it was shut down and turned spooky. So at 7pm, the lines started moving and since we were at the front, we got in within a couple minutes. We started walking towards the roller coaster and through the fog I realized since we were so quick to get in, nobody else was there....except the scary people with chain saws. I swear I saw them all stare dead at us and laugh. They swarmed us with loud noises and got around us. Stephanie and I turned into sissies and clung to each other as we fought through them.

(I really do not feel like recounting every single detail because it is one of those things that is only fun when your the one experiencing it. So I am just going to skip to the interesting parts.)

     After the roller coaster we decided to find our way to the house that Kevin and Damien were in. We waited about thirty minutes and got to the front of the line. I had been told by Kevin to ask for him and the following cracked me up...

Me- "I was told to ask for Momo as a guide."

Attendant- "Momo? He is the best, are you sure you want him?"

Me- " Yes I do."

Attendant- " I will see if he is willing."

I wanted to laugh and say "I am sure he will be willing.." Little did I know....haha....

     The gayest clown I have ever seen walks out the door and up to me and asks if I am Brittany. I say yes and he laughs and says "Come on in Brittany." and Stephanie laughs.We walk in and I walk by a smirking clown that I know is Kevin. He says nothing and maintains eye contact. Gay clown does the whole make two lines and that stuff. I am in the back and he points at me and says "Except for Brittany . Brittany and her friend go in the front." I look at Kevin and he smirks. Of course everyone else in the line is confused as to who the heck I am. "Momo" gets introduced as our guide and he leads us through the door. The ENTIRE house knew who I was. Every clown I encountered said various things like "Heeeeyyy Brittany." "WELCOME Brittany" "Ah Brittany...the first victim." Some of the ones that did not say anything in general looked towards Kevin and he raised his arm and pointed down at my head. The other clowns looked at me and nodded and smiled. We got to Damien's room and he focused on Stephanie, obviously, and while he was doing his whole "I am totally scaring you but really I am just saying hi in code.", I looked at Kevin and he just stared at me. It is going to sound so stupid and really weird since we are broken up, but he entranced me. He did not say a word but the way he was staring into my eyes...I could not look away. It was like we were communicating without saying a word. It was..dare I say...hot. I don't know. I am sure that sounds ridiculous and weird. But it was really cool. Towards the end of the house, he leans close to me and tells me to meet him and Damien at 10:30pm for their break. I swear the people in line were completely intrigued by the clowns interest in me. Haha. So we get to the end of the house and I get led out of the house. It was really special to me that Kevin went through so much to make it a good experience for me. I mean...how cool is it to have an entire Fright Dome house know your name. I felt like the popular kid who everyone is interested in. I really enjoyed that experience.

       Anyway, so we went on a couple other rides and then it was almost time for their break. So we went back to their house and went through it again. I got someone else as a guide and was not impressed. Haha....totally not the same experience.  So we left the house and sat down outside it so that we could see when the guys came out. They came out and took us to another house. It was so cool because they got us to the front of the line and we did not have to wait at all. Again, everyone wanted to know who the girls were with the clowns. So we go into the house and I am getting freaked out. That is when Kevin held my hand and looked at me.

        This was a big deal and remind me something I forgot at the beginning so let me just wrap it together and explain....the other day I wrote the post about having trouble because it felt like I was replaced and forgotten because other girls had shown up. And I felt like I no longer mattered. So the girl I had an issue with was in the truck when we got picked up. I had been really scared because I imagined Kevin completely blowing me off to impress her. He did not. I got in the truck with Stephanie and Damien and Kevin got in on both sides of us and put their arms around us to keep us safe(I will not tell you why they would need to keep us safe...haha). It was a big deal with me that even in front of who I was scared of, he was not any different to me. He still was more worried about my safety and comfort than her. That spoke loudly to me more than he could every know. So fast forward to the house, he held my hand and when he looked at me, I felt the same comfort. I could tell in his eyes that he did not care if we were "together" or not. I was scared and he was there. Therefore he was going to be my safety. Just like in the truck. All my fear subsided when he did that. No matter what was happening, he wanted me to have a great night and knew if I was going to get treated with the perks of "being a girlfriend" he needed to treat me like one.

        I do not want it to sound like I am under some illusion that we are together. But for that night we were. For that night it was two couples having a great time together. For that night nobody was leaving next week. It was just him leading me through a scary house and me clinging to him for protecting. It was fun. So after the house, their break was over so they went back to the house. We only had until midnight so we went through some more houses and rides. At one point we ended up in the dance section and I got into some head bobbing thing with one of the dance clowns. It was really weird. Haha. It was fun though. At 11:50 we went outside and waited for them to come out. Our ride and them came out and we all got in the truck and went home.

       It was a great night and I can't stop talking about it. I hope I wrote it in a way that I left out the boring stuff but still made it sound as exciting as it was. Like I said earlier. Kevin made my night fantastic and I am so thankful to him for it. I had such a long time of being depressed and confused, and I will soon be it again unfortunately. But for one night I was happy. I was happy and he was the Kevin I fell in love with. He was having fun and he was helping me have fun. I will always have this night to look back on. Even when everything has fallen apart, we can still be who we have been. It made me believe in us being able to remain friends. It helped me remind myself that even when my brain makes up thoughts about him forgetting about me and turning into a different person, he is still Kevin. Our relationship may be different but we are still us. He would still defend me. He would still protect me. He would still be the Kevin I know, no matter what. Just like I hope he knows I will always be Brittany. We can still have that love for each other without it having to be a relationship kind of thing. We were talking last night that our breakup has been weird. Nobody can judge how we are acting because nobody is dealing with it like us. We have broken up but still lived together for months. We had a lot of fighting at first but would anybody else be any different in the same situation? We did not cheat and then get in a fight and break up and leave the next day. We broke up because we were at two different places in life and then we proceeded to live in the same house. So we are still in love and he comes home every night. So how do you deal with that? Nobody knows. We may have changed our Facebook status but we have no actually broken up until he leaves. So in a way, it feels like the wound is only scraped. It hurts but it is not actually worth much. But soon the wound is going to be cut open. It will be real and it will suck. Months later it will be real. Anyway, my point is not to make this post sad. It was just something Kevin and I were talking about. Sometimes I forget that I did not break up with myself. There is another part of this relationship that is hurting just like I am. Sometimes I think I let myself believe it is all me and he is immune. But from what he said..he is not immune at all. He is hurting just like I am. I wonder if he had a blog what he would say. Hmmm. There is a thought.

      Anyway, I just really had a great night and I wanted to make sure I documented it. For the nights when I am hurting and need a good memory.

All The Places....

I have about an hour in the mornings before the second bus comes to pick me up on my way to work. Usually I go into McDonalds and get something to drink but today I am battling a nasty cold and was not in the mood to sit in there. So I decided to look around Target, hoping to find a cup I could use for work. I thought nothing of it....So I spent about fifteen minutes walking around the dish aisle and could not find what I was looking for. So I wandered down another aisle and there it was. Right next to me was a piece of art. To anyone walking by, it was simply that, a piece of art. But to me it was a stab in the heart. That very piece of art was put onto Kevin and I's wedding registry. And just like that my memory of us doing our registry came flooding back. I felt the walls closing in and had to get out of Target as fast as I could.

Kevin and I have been to a lot of places, obviously. So I know that going to these same places will be tough. Some more than others. In a way, I feel like I have the short end of the stick because Kevin will be surrounded with new places with no memories of me. I will be surrounded by all memories of him. So before I wrote this post, I was thinking about what places will be the worst to experience again without him. The couple that came to mind were these....

The Mall
It is down the street from where I live and when we first moved here, Kevin and I would go there and apply for jobs. Even when we weren't looking for jobs, I loved the pizza place in the food court so he would take me there and we would get a pizza with a salad meal and talk about life. It was a lot of fun. We would wander around for hours just being together. It is where he bought my wedding jewelry at after I had longed for months for it. That same mall gets passed every day on my way to work.

The Dollar Movie Theater

It was our date night. We could not resist the temptation of dollar movies but I always ruined the budget by wanting a $13 popcorn, drink, and a candy meal. But it was our thing and we did it. Countless times we rode the bus there for a date and I ALWAYS forgot a jacket so because we always ended up going to a late show, I was left shivering in the cold and Kevin had to give me his jacket. Luckily he did not get as cold as I did. This place is the easiest to avoid because I only went there on dates with him.

Dumont

Dumont is not something that I have to worry about often. I only will go there if I encounter someone who also loves ATV's and sand cars. But I had a blast when I went with Kevin and his family and so in a way I categorize Dumont with Kevin. I am not sure if it will actually be that hard when I go again, but I will not know until I go.

Small Town We Grew Up In

I should not really have to explain this much, right? Of course our small town has a lot of memories since that is where we met and spent most of our years together. We had a lot of memories made in various places all over that town, so when I go back for various reasons, I know I will feel pains as I pass certain places in town that I experienced with Kevin.

These places may not seem that big of a deal to anyone reading, but they are a big deal for me. But I guess it is all how I look at it. I can either be sad as I pass each place. Or I can be thankful for the incredible memories I made with him at all these places. We had some great times.

Today I was talking to my mom and she was telling me how Kevin, Stephanie, and Damien were talking about how on the 6th they are planning on going down to the small town to say goodbye to Kevin's grandma and that will probably be the last time we see them before they are gone. Of course, I kind of already knew this plan. But still...hearing it being said hurt. Stupidly enough the first thought I had was, "I won't see him after the sixth? What?". I know I have not experienced the breakup to its fullest extreme because Kevin is still here every day. But to think how I feel now, before he is even gone. I can't imagine the way it will feel once he is not here. I feel like a piece of me is about to be gone.

It Really Doesn't Matter

While writing the last post, the sixteenth thing I wrote got me thinking really hard. When I look back at Kevin and I's relationship, none of our stupid arguments matter anymore. We fought about stupid things like when his family would not let him come to my house or go see a movie with my family. So we would get into an argument because I was mad he wasn't coming and he was mad I was going without him. Now that everything has happened, none of that stuff matters. None of the times I got frustrated with him for still living there. None of the times we got into an argument because he was grounded again so we could only talk at school. I still remember them, because I am human. But it only bothers me because it is wasted minutes. Minutes we can not get back. Years from now our arguments will not benefit me at all. I do not wish to remember our arguments, they are not important anymore. They felt important at the time but no longer.

Our good moments are what I remember most. All our good times. Not the stupid arguments but the late night talks. When he did move out and we had so many good experiences for the first time together. That is what I remember. I remember back to being sixteen and remember how I had no idea how this plan was so different than what I expected. I wanted so badly to make everything perfect and looking back, it was not perfect. But it left me good memories. Really great things to cherish. Even when the bad moments happened, they are not what matter. They are not what I choose to remember. The happy times are what matter.

Hey Young One

 

The next question in this series is "What are sixteen things you would tell your sixteen year old self, if you could?"

                                               (That's me in all my sixteen year old glory)

1. Don't stress too much about those tardies. It does not mean you are going to end up being a juvenile delinquent.

2. Speaking of juvenile delinquents, those "cool kids" will literally go down the path to death  only a couple years after graduation and you will be hearing on Facebook how they went to sleep and never woke up. Your friends...will still be the same goofy kids.

3. Join the dance team because if you do not, you will be watching them on YouTube and telling everyone how you wish you had been a part of it.

4. Get out and have fun. Staying at home will get you into a habit that is hard to break and you will be left feeling isolated.

5. No matter how much drama the divorce has caused, I promise it will be over soon.

6.  Mr. Harris knew what he was talking about when he said the people who failed his class ended up in the sheriffs report. Luckily...you passed.

7. That "Every Fifteen Minutes" presentation.....it will replay in your mind every time you see a drunk driver on the news.

8. You will never be able to give blood. You will want to really badly. But you have anxiety and will always have a high pulse that keeps you from saving a life. Try to save lives in other ways.

9. Watch how people around you interact with their own relationships. Watch and take note of what YOU are willing to allow. That way when the time comes for you to use what you have learned, you will know.

10. DO..NOT..CUT..THAT..HAIR! It will seem like a great idea but it will leave you with a horrible pixie cut that makes you look manly. You have beautiful hair. Do not hate on it.

11. Even at the worst of times, you are strong enough to not touch the razor. Each year will get easier. I promise.

12. You have no idea but you are getting out of that town in a couple of years. You will not miss it.

13. You will not end up being a C.N.A like you thought. You will pass one half and fail the second by one wrong move and it will devastate you. But you will find out you are actually very interested in helping the deaf. Something you never even thought about.

14. You are beautiful. Do not tell yourself you need to lose weight. You are just the way you are meant to be.

15. You will achieve your goal of graduating high school without becoming a teen mom. Good job!

16. Enjoy every second with that boyfriend of yours. When everything is said and done...none of those stupid arguments will matter. You will think it matters at sixteen. You will think he will NEVER move out and his family not letting him leave the house will cause many many many arguments. But in the end, every bad moment will not matter in comparison to the countless amazing moments that you will cherish for the rest of your life. So do not stress about it. There is a plan you are not aware of.

Remember....

When I am afraid that I made a mistake not moving, I want to remember this morning when I was talking to him about about needing to buy Max dog food, and he telling me if I was unable to get it by the time Kevin got his first check that he would "try" to find some money to buy it but was not sure because his money was going to "other things", such as a tounge ring,games,etc. This is what I want to remember. This is why I can't move. Because once again, I will be the one taking care of everything while he has no mindset to put any money towards what is actually needed. He is worried about having no internet, but does not want to put any money towards the bill. I am the one who has to ride the bus to pay for it with my money. I am not trying to bash him, I just can not believe that he has no problem watching me try to figure out how to pay for everything. I can not believe I was going to allow that for the rest of my life. How he acts now is not any different than how he acted before, but now I am done with it.

This is why I can't move with him. I would be suffering over there. If you do not have the motivation now, what is supposed to make me think you would have the motivation then? When Max needs food and I can not afford it, what then? When the power is going to be shut of, what then? When he shows up with a new game controller, what then? When he trips and falls into the garage wall and busts a hole, why am I the one who is stressing about getting it fixed? I did not break anything. *sigh* I just do not understand why he is so un-intrested in doing what is responsible. I do not mean to get on a high horse or anything. I know it is the same thing I told myself was fine last year and the year before. But I just look back and think, " Why did I think this was alright? Why does he think this is alright?"

I said something about a hole in the wall and he said, "You need to get high and chill out." WHAT?!?!?!!? Since when do you think that is even an option? Lord only knows why he suddenly says stuff like that. I am simply venting, since this blog is to let me figure out my thoughts and feelings. I just am frustrated, maybe because a part of me wanted us to breakup and him suddenly become what I needed and us get back together and be fine. But as he pulls more and more away and falls down the path I prayed he would never fall, I see that nothing I do with be what he wants. What I do not want him doing, he wants to do. So holding him back is going to do nothing but cause us both to fight and hurt. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I can not guide him through life while trying to raise myself. If he wants to buy video games instead of food, then he will be the one who has to be hungry. But I won't have to worry about his video game causing ME hunger.

Whenever he talks about going out there, he tells me about him getting on his feet and getting his own place and everything. Which is a great thought and I am sincerely rooting for him(even if it does not sound like that in this post), but I just do not know how he is going to do that when he is sitting in front of me with no motivation to pay anything. I understand that he only gets two checks with this job but A. when he gets the checks, the main part is going to Indiana which is fine. But the rest is going to entertainment stuff. Not offered to help survive. B. He donates plasma as a way to get extra cash day to day. NONE of that goes to food for everyone to eat. Or anything to survive. I realize that I am bitching about bills this whole time, but again if he is not in the mindset to pay bills then how is he ever going to survive on his own? If he has not gotten into the habit of paying what needs to be paid before goodies, then how is he going to do it out there? I just do not understand. Maybe that is me being a goody two shoes, maybe that is me being stuck up, maybe that is me being controlling. But maybe, just maybe, this is my attempt to not be the people on the side of the road begging for money to live. I have been hungry. Not "oh I would love a cheesburger", the kind of hungry where my stomach is caving in on itself and I am eating water and crackers just so I can sleep. I have been the poor where I put pennies together to try and buy some dish soap before they pile up. I know what it is like to hear my little brothers beg for an icecream and my mother not be able to get it for them, and it break her heart. I know what it is like to pray to god my shoes don't break any more because they are the only pair my work allows.

I can not live that life. I do not want to. I understand that life throws you curve balls and as a couple you have to get through them. I understand that. What I don't understand is the man who knows there is no bread and uses his money on cigarettes. The man who is not willing to collect cans to get "anything" in the house for the children. The man who cares more about his own wants than other peoples needs. I am sure his intentions are good. He has that "young" brain that does not think ahead and wants what satisfies him now. I HOPE, I PRAY, I BEG that when he gets out there on his own, he realizes what needs to be done and actually does it. I know everything he has said he would do. But he said that all before when he was promising me a certain kind of life. And he did not follow through. I hope that he is able to get out there and realize what he needs to do. He has always had someone take care of him, so I think that is part of the problem. He has never had to "be a man". I am in no way saying he is not a man. He is very much a man. I am talking about the responsibility of being a man, if that makes sense. Maybe when he has no money for electricity then he will realize how important it is to keep a job. I hope so. Because if he does and learns to grow up, then there is hope. But if not, then there is nothing I can do. But god....I pray he is able to.  Somebody can say whatever they want. But actions speak louder than words.  And this is what I need to think about when I feel guilty for not "taking the risk".

Moving on or "Moving on"?

Don't ask me what that title is supposed to me. I don't know. It made sense until I wrote it. Anyway....

Kevin is doing his Halloween job and having a great time. The reason for this post is I am having a lot of trouble with him making so many new girly friends. Last year we were together and I had no fear because I knew he was completely faithful. There was nothing to worry about because he made it clear he was with me. So I missed him while he was away, but I was never worried. Now he is single and has girls throwing themselves at him. That is causing a lot of issues because he can do whatever he wants and he technically would not be wrong in doing anything. There is one girl who he seems to like in return.

I am having an even worse time with that because to me it is A. Being disrespectful to our past relationship by not giving it time to end and heal. B. He can move on that quickly?!?!?! What? I am still crying all the time and he is out there having the time of his life with these people doing stuff he never did while we were together? I do not like that at all. Not like I have a choice but it sucks. I do not know what his intentions are. I have been told he might just be trying to "fill the void" with other girls. But it feels to me like he is just over me that quickly and I am easily replaceable. Which of course, hurts me a lot. He has not done anything(god I hope not) with anybody. But watching them talk to each other kills me. But when I say anything, he takes it as me not letting him have any friends and is melodramatic. Friends is one thing. This is different. And I am already broken hearted without watching his next relationship develop. Oh yeah, and in case anybody forgot....HE IS LEAVING NEXT MONTH. So what is the point of this when he isn't staying anyway? Because I swear I will flip out if he tells me he is staying here to move into another persons house. It will not be good, I promise.

I don't know....this all sucks.

Mommy?Daddy?

Today I get to talk about my relationship with my parents. You got awhile? Haha.

Dad 1-

My biological father was one of those men that could make the babies but could not raise them very well. I have quite a few half siblings and we all have quite a few different mothers. He was into drugs and alcohol and did not really care about his responsibilities. My mother put up with it for a good while until one day when he got very physical and she finally could not take it anymore and left. He signed his rights away and that was that. Until I was fifteen. I had grown up never speaking to him so I was able to have all these cute little fantasies about when I finally met him and he had changed and become this awesome man. Wrong....my mom and I went on a two week trip and I was so nervous and excited to meet him and when we finally got to Arizona and I finally met him, I was so disappointed. I saw how he lived and I saw who he was and how he acted and I was not impressed in the least bit. He was not someone I wanted to surround myself with. After the trip was over, he did this cruel thing of coming into my life for a few weeks and then disappearing again and then trying to come back later. Every time he showed up, my world got shifted and he became more of an annoyance than a joy. So finally I decided to stop trying and once I stopped making the effort, I haven't heard from him since.

Dad 2-

When I was 3 my mom met a man who she ended up marrying when I was 6 and adopted me legally when I was 8. He was there financially but he was not there in the least bit emotionally. If I needed new shoes or a ride to a friends house then he would do it, but he did not do any more than he had to. Looking back, I have no memories of him at any school event, any girl scout event, any fun evening out, etc. He was there but was more of a roommate and a wallet. I never understood how those "daddies girls" felt because I had a male influence not a daddy. It makes me really sad that I never got that. 

When my mother and him divorced when I was 14, there was a lot of stuff that happened. In order for the sake of my sanity I do not feel like reliving it but let me just say that it was a horrendous and traumatic experience for everyone involved. And because of the things he did to me during the divorce, I refused to speak to him. He tried to force me into custody and I fought it tooth and nail, but the second I turned 18 I got as far away from him as possible and did not look back. He was my brothers father, not mine. I made that very clear to him.

Now 6 years have passed and I have learned to forgive. Let me be clear. Forgive...not forget. I still do not talk to him but when I am around him due to my brothers, I am civil. They did no wrong so I will not ruin their childhood with my anger and disgust. I sometimes wonder what he tells them about why we do not talk, but that is something I will face when they ask me. As I look at it, I do not have a father. It sucks but I think that I am doing just fine without any "father".

One and only mom-

Now that I have gotten the dad issue out of the way, happier talking has come. My mother is amazing. I love her to pieces. She is an incredible and loving mother who would walk through fire to protect her children. As I said before, I never felt like I had a father. So she stepped up and was both my father and my mother. She was at every school, girl scout, any event I had and never complained about it. There was many times she gave up something for herself in order to give it to her children. She does not believe she is as amazing as everyone believes her to be. She always thinks because of her mistakes, that her children will grow up and hate her, but I could never see that happening. She has been my support during any hard time I have had. And so I try to be hers when she needs it. I know I am lucky to have a mother who adores me, since I have seen many people who are not so lucky.

WOOHOOO!!!

I had a cool thing happen today at work and I figured I would share it. My hours got cut at the beginning of summer due to there being too many employees and not enough calls. So my check dipped drastically(or atleast drastically for me). I only worked five hours a day\three days a week. So my checks barely cover my rent. So I kept praying for more hours. I kept telling myself if I was patient, God would find a way. And he did. Today I got an email saying that all the employees who were performing well were being offered certain time slots to add hours, and then later even more hours would be added later. And your truly was one of the first groups to be offered more hours. So my Saturday shift is now from 11am to 7pm. Which is three more hours but Saturday is time and a half since it is weekend shift, so those three hours will help. It is not the full time I was hoping for, but it is a gift and brightened my day to know I can slowly get on my feet if I keep trying my hardest. Keep being patient....YAY!!!!

A Little Quote

This is actually a photo of mine that I posted somewhere else. It includes a little boy very close to my heart and I figured I would post it here. Sometimes I have to read the quote and take a deep breath.

Random GIF

I saw a blog post where a person put gif's to how they were feeling and I thought it was a pretty cool idea. So what the heck....

 

 

 

 

 

When he first told me he was going.....

 

 

 

Lately when I stop to think......

 

 

 

 And then it becomes.......

 

 

When someone asks me if I am ok....

I'm fine.....

 

 

When someone says "You can do so much better"........

When a guy I know thinks NOW is the time to send me a flirty message....

 

 

When I imagine the day he leaves.....

 

 

When all the drama is gone and it is just me and him talking....

 

 

3 Fears of Mine

The next question in the Getting To Know Me series is about 3 fears of mine. As soon as I read the question I knew the first one..well techically they all are kind of the same fear.

In order of fear(I'm not even kidding so don't laugh)

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Yes, I am seriously TERRIFIED of fish. Or really anything that is in a fish tank. I have no idea where this fear even came from but it is horrible. I used to have nightmares as a child where our fish tank was full of dead fish and the bodies were rotting. Or that there would be a random fish that jumped out and I had to pick it up in order to save its life. People laugh at me when I tell them but I am serious. This fear is debilitating. I am unable to clean the bowl because it would involve me to possibly let the fish escape. My little brother wanted some crabs to put in them, and one of them climbed out of the tank through the filter. I swear to you that I called Kevin and begged him to come over and put it back in the tank. He did, bless his heart, but he gave me crap for it for the longest time. I hate fish. I hate seeing them(especially those freaky goldfish that are the size of my arm), I refuse to eat them, I refuse to even imagine having them near me. No thank you. So don't ever expect me to swim around with them one day. Not going to happen.

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When I was little, my house was next to the freeway. We had cats so they would go to the freeway and kill mice and bring them into MY room and leave them on the floor. I would wake up and see them just laying there looking all dead and...well like the above picture. And I would grab the nearest thing to me, a blanket, a bucket, etc. And throw it on top of it so I did not see it. Then I would jump off my bed and run to get my mother who would have to come pick it up and throw it away. I literally believed if I got close to it then it would jump to live and rip my artery out or something. Again, no idea where this came from. I have since moved from the freeway house but the other day I was walking home and almost stepped near a dead mouse. I jumped off the sidewalk into the street and only stepped onto the curb once I was a safe distance away.

 

                                                 

 

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Look at the way that frog\toad is staring at me. *shiver*. Every since thing in there freaks me out. My mother hates snakes so that could have been ingrained in my brain. I am not sure what freaks me out about lizards and frogs\toads but something about them gives me the heebey jeebies. I imagine everyone of them biting me or crawling into my clothes and me screaming in agony. I don't know. Now that I write that, I feel like an idiot.

 

The crazy part is I could see myself overcoming the fear of lizards before I overcome the fear of fish. I hate fish so much.

Should I?

I love to make video montages. It has always been my thing. Any big event that happened, I made a montage for it. And from what people said, they were pretty good. So of course I made one for the wedding. I spent countless hours on it making sure it was perfect. Then all of a sudden, the wedding isn't happening. So the video literally looks really good and then stopped abruptly. It is extremely sad for me to look at. And I still can not watch the video because I know I will break down as soon as I do. But my problem, and the reason for the title, was that as I stared at the link for the website, I needed to decide if I was going to order the video and put it in the box from the post before. I felt like if I ordered it, I was not letting go correctly. But there is so much love in that video and I worked so hard on it, I felt like something was missing from the box if I did not put it in there. So after thinking about it for about a week, I decided to order it.

I had signed up to be a VIP(or whatever it is called on the website) so I could have unlimited perks. So when I did that, I got a free dvd with it and all I had to do was pay shipping. So today I finally clicked order and took a breath. Like I said before, I do not know what to do in any situation I am faced with lately. So I just do it and if I regret it later than so be it. But I believe if something keeps putting itself in your mind then there is a reason for it being there. This video was going to be one of the most important ones I ever made so I could not let it just be left on some website and never appreciated. If it gets put in the box and never seen because I am never able to watch it, then that will be something I deal with. But just knowing it will be there when I have the strength makes me feel better. It is just really sad that there is techically no end to the video. It just stops so suddenly and looks wrong. *sigh* but I guess it signifies something. I hope one day I am able to watch it and appreciate it for what it was and the good times we had. But right now, I can't.

I read something that says I am in the process of grief and the problem with grief is that it is unpredictable. That makes sense. That is how I feel. Yesterday I was fine. Today, the tears keep trying to come. I have too much I have to get done today to be crying. This past week my car and phone both broke. So I have been riding the bus and walking waaaayyyyy to far for my comfort. Not to mention working. So I do not have time to cry. But the tears keep coming to my eyes and burning them. That horrible burn your nose cry. Yeah, so then I have to take a breath and tell myself I am fine and focus on something else.

Kevin started his halloween job so he will basically not be around from now on, except for a day or two here and there. So I am sure in some way, that makes it even worse. I miss him just like I did last year when he did the job. But the difference is that last year we were not broken up and he was not leaving next month. Next month....I just realized that. This morning I got to talk to him a couple minutes while he was half asleep. In his half asleep state he was telling me about the makeup artist flirting with him. I know he did not mean for it to be upsetting. Usually we joke about people who flirt with him at the job. But today, I was already not in the mood, and I kept thinking how nothing was stopping him from doing lord knows what with any of the girls there. I did not like that thought. I hate the thought of someone else touching him. I hate the thought of someone else flirting with him. I hate the thought of someone else "being" with him. I hate it all. Like I said, I am sure his comments could be taken in a mean way. Maybe I should take them insultingly. I don't know. But like I said, 1. He was half asleep so he probally will not even be aware he said it. 2. We were just joking the other day about some weird girl who was hitting on him. So I don't feel it is right to think it is funny one day and then guilt him the next day. It is just a heartbreaking feeling when he has the ability to give his heart to someone who might not deserve it. I want him to be happy but I do not know how to let him be happy without me.

The problem that is even worse.....I can feel the breakdown coming. I am not to the laying on the floor screaming and crying point yet. But I can feel it. I am right there on the brink. It is a horrible and terrifying feeling knowing it is coming. It might not come for weeks. It might not even come for months. But it is coming. I can feel it with every breath I take. I do not know what to do when it hits. But it is coming. And I hate knowing that. I can only be "I am fine, don't worry. We are doing good." for so long. Once "the breakdown" hits, I am going to need all the prayer I can get.

Little Bits of Change

I hate looking at anything wedding or baby related because no matter how hard I try to not do it, Kevin is the first thing that comes to mind. I know I need to stop thinking of him every time I find a love quote but I can't help it. I do love him and the quotes do describe my feelings for him. It sucks to have to be somewhat embarrassed of how I feel when I see the pictures and have to scold myself for thinking of him. But I don't know how to stop thinking like that. These are the same pictures I looked at when I was planning my life with him. I can't imagine anything different now that my life has changed. He is who I am love with. How does someone change that?

I went through my wedding attire that has been in my mothers closet since I bought it. My closet had been filled with both Kevin and I's stuff so she said I could put the clothes I got in her closet and the craft kind of stuff in the closet in the living room. I have a box that I have put little knick knacks in all our relationship, so I decided that I wanted to put certain things in the box. It is I guess what people call a memory box. Little trinkets from over the years, pictures of us, random little stuffed toys that he won for me, etc.  So out of her closet I took my jewelry, the Cowboys garter, my shoes, and the jacket with Mrs. Ellis on it. I put all of that in the box. I can not put it anywhere else right now. I needed it in the box where it was there if I needed it but still somewhere out of my everyday sight. That box is very important to me so I have all the stuff from him I need in it. It hurt so badly putting the stuff in there. I kept thinking how I was so sure I would be wearing all of this in two months. And I am not. I won't be. And that brings tears to my eyes. The dress is still in her closet because I have no idea what my plan with it is. I can't have it hanging in my closet. That is too big and I will have to look at it every time I go in there. As for the craft closet, I will deal with that another day.