Lost

I still have no idea what I am going to say. So much has happened and I have no idea how to "sum it up". But I guess I have to say it or else it will never end up here. To even say why we broke up is hard. All I can do is try to tell it and hope it makes sense. I guess it all comes down to we saw life differently. He lost his job and I wanted him to find a new one, he says he was and I say he wasn't looking very hard. So it was a constant battle to get him motivated. I saw him not trying, and he saw me nagging I guess. So a couple months ago, an old friend of his, her boyfriend, and their one year old child came to live with us under the assumption that everyone in the house would get jobs and then they would get out on the own, Kevin and I would get married and move into our own place, and mom would stay here and everyone would be fine. So about last week Kevin came to me and said he had found a great job in Indiana and wanted to move there with me. I looked at him and told him I wasn't going because I was not going to end up on the street when he got fired. He said I was not trusting my future husband. So it was this back and forth for days between him trying to get me to go and me not wanting to. Of course, I wanted to be with him but how was I supposed to trust that he would take care of us all the way out there by ourselves when he couldn't be bothered to keep a job. But when I said that, he took it as an attack and told me it was hard to keep a job here and it wasn't his fault. So I had to pray hard about it and I realized that I did not have to go, but I could not keep him from going. In his heart he truly believes this is what he is meant to do so I have to let him go. Of course it breaks my heart but I have to do it. So he is staying until November so he can do a Halloween thing here and use the money for a plane ticket.

Yes,I am living with my ex fiancé for TWO months! I know...everyone thinks I am "a bigger person than they are" but that was apparently the only way of them getting money. But it realllyyy sucks. I am so used to him being with me at night and now the four of them are sleeping in the room right next to mine. We are trying to work on a friendship so that we can stay in contact but only time will tell on if that works. I have so many feelings on this though and it hurts my heart. The fact that I am worth leaving that easy. I said that to him and Stephanie and Stephanie basically said I was in the wrong too for not going with him. That he felt he wasn't worth me trusting him. Thanks....I just can't be that girl that falls for the same old line and gets herself trapped somewhere. So I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself, heartbroken that he can leave just like that, angry and jealous at Damien and Stephanie for coming in and ruining what I had. But I also realize that if we were as strong as I thought we were, they never would have come between us. It just feels like whenever I talk to him about them, he instantly comes to their defense. Like I am no longer as important and everyone else needs to be protected from my attacks. Which I do not think what I am asking is too much. Actually TRY to get a job, don't trash the house, etc. But I guess it is. I do not want them to sound like the bad guys. They aren't. I am just really hurt and am so very confused. I can not believe we went from a birthday dinner with my fiancé who I was marrying in a few months to him leaving. But that is how quickly life changes. I just can't believe all it took was a thought and he was ready to move and I'M the stupid one for not wanting to go. How the hell is it that easy for other people to just leave and think nothing of it....or me. I can't go on Facebook much anymore because everyone is having families and getting married, and that pisses me off! I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be trying for a baby next February\March. Everything was supposed to work out. And now I am single and heartbroken. I am happy that my friends are living their life's and are happy. But I wanted it to be me too.

I truly hope when he goes out there that he was telling the truth and he is happy and has a great job that he keeps. I do not want to sound in this post like I hope he fails. No matter what the future holds, he was my  best friend and was supposed to be my husband. I do not want him hurting. But I just could not take that big a risk when I have not seen any results. Maybe I will regret it later on, that this will be one of my big mistakes. But my heart tells me it isn't wrong. So I have to trust that. And apparently his heart tells him it is right to go, so he has to follow that. I thought about what would happen if he walked through the door and said he took it all back and wanted to stay. We would still have to work through this because he almost left. He was willing to break my heart because I would  not go with his big plan. Others opinions were more important than mine and he did not care what I felt or said. So that would be something he and I would have to go to counseling about or something. Because I can't get over that easily. But right now he has every intention of going. And I have to just take every day one step at a time. And when November comes and he leaves, I will try to smile and wish him luck on his journey and pray to god he does what he needs to do to be successful and does not let himself or others tear him down.

I just can't believe after five years.....I failed at making him happy. We were supposed to be alright and stay happy and I failed at that. Going to Indiana with friends made him happier than staying with me. That is a horrible feeling. And now I am stuck with a blog that was literally made with him in mind. I want to keep it going because I still want to look back on it. I just don't know how to turn this into a new blog. But Forever and Always Ellis will have to go by a different name because I guess I will never be an Ellis now.

My boss at work told me that the problem is I am too old for my age. My age is 20 but my maturity is way older, which is why I make decisions that other 20 year old's think are stupid. They said that Kevin is just acting like a 20 year old guy who doesn't think a week in advance so he does not realize what he is about to do. He is a young man and apparently I am a grown ass woman who is screwed out of her young and stupid days. *sigh* I know it will be alright. But god it really hurts. I loved him with all the love I knew how to love with, and now I have to watch him leave and I am really scared of how I will feel on that day.

You want to know something funny(and by funny I mean makes me sad)...today marks 100 days till December 11th. Yippee... :(