Angry

I can't help but be angry. Not at anything in particular but just...everything. I am angry at Kevin for leaving me. I am angry at myself for being angry at him. I am angry at random people on Facebook for throwing how happy they are around on my wall. I am angry at the wedding commercials. I am angry at the random package in the mail that I recieve as a gift for making a registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I had waited MONTHS for that stupid package and now it comes. I am lost and even more angry because I can no longer read blogs. I used to spend my days reading blogs about marriage and babies and I loved it. I could get lost in many of them for hours. Now what? Now who am I supposed to read? They are all so dang happy and talk about their loved one(as they should because they should appreciate them. I know that in my heart). It just hurts so much to read their loving words. I am even angry at anybody who tries to make me feel better. Those "you deserve so much better than him" piss me off for some reason.I am angry at everything. Then I am frustrated because I do not want to be angry. I don't want to be hurting. Not yet. Not while Kevin is still here. I want to enjoy whatever time I can get while he is here. I tried to talk to Stephanie about not talking about the wedding infront of me because it hurts and got in response..."It's not my fault you broke up with him.". Like a knife to my heart.

On the plus side(if there is one), I talked to Kevin about what was going on. Because me and him are the ones who have to communicate the best. If we are going to get through this as friends we have to be honest. We talked and basically instead of being angry at eachother for what has happened. Look at it more like, we are both doing what we believe is right for each of us. If we can look at eachother in the eye and tell the other one we truly believe we are doing what is right, then neither of us should feel guilty. We believe that God has a plan for both of us. If we are meant to be husband and wife, one day we will be. If we are meant to just be great friends who know the best and worst of eachother, then that is what we will be. If we are meant to be strangers with great memories(which I truly hope we arnt meant to be) then that is what we will be.

We even made the joke that maybe we thought WE were supposed to be a couple but it is actually our children that are meant to fall in love. Haha that is a weird thought. Anyway, the point is that it made me feel better. He knows I am hurting and I know he is hurting and we are both trying to support ourselves and eachother. At first I took his not being emotional as not caring. But then I realized he has never been the daily emotional kind. He cries at big moments. Where I can cry multiple times a day because I keep thinking about it. I don't know why I was expecting anything different. I have always been the more emotional one and he has kept calm to support me. Why would he be different now. But of course my mind reads it as he does not care. I have also been dealing with jealousy bad. Anytime he is not near me I am jealous of whoever he is talking to. I keep thinking "I only have him for so long, and you all keep taking his attention away!" I even annoy myself with this. I mean, come on, I don't want to be that girl. That is just immature.

I take every day one step at a time. Some days I am fine. Other days I have moments where I get really depressed. Kevin seems to be on the look out for those moments and when I get depressed, he comes over and talks to me about what I am thinking about. It helps a lot because everyone else tries to be supportive and offer advice, which I appreciate but usually all it is is me wanting to vent and Kevin is able to listen to me vent and then either tell me I am completely right or my mind is wandering and he is not counting the seconds until he can run out the door. Looking at it as we are both meant to do something, even if it is not with eachother makes it easier to deal with. I am able to look at it as letting him go because he believes it is what is best for him and he is letting me stay because I believe it is best for me. It is not so heartbreaking to look at it like that. It still hurts. Just not as much. This whole situation is just really confusing. I do not know how to feel. One moment I am devestated, the other moment I am calm, and then 10 seconds later I am a crying mess. It is exausting. Sometimes I just sit somewhere and my head is just spinning. I never expected this to happen.