Twenty Facts About Me

I thought it would be fun to add something different to this blog. Not make it so depressing all the time. Since it is now about me and working on myself, I found a list(I seriously wish I had wrote down who it came from because now I can not find the name anywhere) that has about thirty different things to write blog posts about to tell about myself. So I figured I would throw those in with my normal blog posts. I hope they are not horrendously boring and actually tell cool things. The first one is twenty facts about myself.

(1) I was born in Tempe,Arizona

 

(2)My parents are divorced.

 

(3) I have three little brothers(currently 12,8,and 6) who live with their dad some times and our mom sometimes.

 

(4) I have a 9 month old pug named Max.

 

(5) I graduated high school in 2011 with an Advanced Diploma.(which basically means nothing. I just like saying it :) )

 

 

(6)When I was younger, I got attacked by a cat and now have a huge scar down my arm from it. Maybe I will tell you the story sometime...maybe.

 

(7) I have lived in Arizona,California,and Nevada.

 

(8) After high school, I went to college but changed my mind on what I wanted to be so many times, I finally decided I needed to stop until I decided what I actually wanted to study. I love getting an education but I was only doing it because I felt it was required of me and I did not want to waste financial aid that could be given to someone else. So this past fall I just simply, did not go back. And got a job as a captioning assistant that I really enjoy so I do not think it is a loss.

 

(9)I will one day have a blue illuminated pool. People laugh but they won't be laughing as hard when they are swimming in it. I am just saying....

http://www.colourbox.com/image/illuminated-swimming-pool-and-bridges-at-night-image-2347561

 

(10)I have this issue with not being able to realize how bad situations are until they are over. For example, a strange man will walk up to me and tell me he is going to take me back to his house. I will politely say no and keep walking, he will follow me, I will walk into the nearest store and then he turns around and leaves. Then 8 hours later I am sitting at home and all of a sudden I go "DEAR GOD I COULD HAVE DIED!". Just like that. I don't know if it is a coping mechanism or what. But it really freaks me out.

 

(11) My first car was a Chevy blazer named Intrepid. Intrepid had a short life and died suddenly. But for the time she was here...I ruled the world. Now my mom and I share a car.

 

(12) I do not really have a certain amount of children I want. I would like at least two just because I was raised with siblings and loved it. But I was also 8 years older than my oldest brother so I had a different experience than someone who was 2 or 3 years apart.

 

(13) I would love to volunteer as a rape or abuse counselor. I know that is a strange thing to say but I have always been so passionate about it, that I would love to help people.

 

(14) Speaking of helping people, I am a help operator on a teen help website and I love it. The people I interact with make me feel like I am making a difference.

 

(15) In my life, as pets I have had chickens,rabbits,cats,dogs,fish, and turtles.

 

(16) I would love to publish a book one day. My problem is that I never can finish a story I write because I always end up feeling like nobody would read it.

 

(17) I tried to become a Youtube sensation but I forgot that I get tongue tied when I try to set up my voicemail, let alone try to be a Youtube sensation. But it gave me something fun to do with Kevin while it lasted.

 

(18) I can come up with some pretty hilarious come backs. The only issue is that it takes me a couple days to do it. So by then, it isn't worth it anymore.

 

(19) I have an issue with caring way too much what other people think of me. I HATE when they don't like me. It upsets me more than it should.

 

(20) Sometimes I wish I was more outgoing. That when I got invited to go somewhere, that I actually wanted to go. Instead, I just want to stay home and bake cupcakes or play on Facebook. I think...no I know...that is why I have no friends.

It Will Be Alright

Kevin and I had a bad couple of days when I wrote the post before last. For awhile, we were both on the verge of not even being friends because of how angry we both were. We are both Leo's so we are very good at being "fierce". Our arguments have never been physical or actually all that "fierce" at all. But of all our fights, those days were the worst. But both of us are not willing to lose a friendship over anger so we sat down and talked about it. Apparently it was people trying to come between us and telling both of us lies about the other one. Once we sat down and talked we realized all of our anger came from A. Stuff being put into our minds that was not actually even being said by either of us. And B. Our hearts both being broken and us lashing out. I had said some stuff that I am not proud of. And I had to be woman enough to apologize for it. When I said it, I did not realize how much I would be cutting him with my words. But after he told me how much of an effect it had on him, I told him I was so sorry and why I said it. I told him that we had to be strong. We may have lost the relationship but we did not have to lose the friendship. We had to not let what others say come between us.

And he admitted to me he knows he made a mistake. He is still moving to Indiana because he truly believes it is what he needs to do. But he told me he knows he made a mistake ruining the relationship. I am sad that he is going, but it made me feel good that I knew he was going to miss what we had also. It is all very overwhelming and I am never sure how I will feel each day. But as long as Kevin and I can keep our friendship strong, then I have something to hold onto. If something is bothering us, it is easier to talk to each other and clear it up than just to assume it is true and be pissed off. That does nothing but ruin precious time we have together. Today he goes to orientation for his Halloween job he is working at to get the money to go out to Indiana. Then October 1st he starts it and November 7th he is gone. It is a sad feeling having this sort of time clock. Knowing that basically, my time with him is coming to a halt quickly. I know he is not going to disappear off the face of the earth but still...it will not be the same.

I guess we just have to keep working on what needs to be worked on and continuing to pray for ourselves and each other and God will make sure everything falls into place.

A Little Bit Of Happiness

Disclosure: I received no compensation for this review. I am in no way affiliated with http://www.diamondcandles.com/ . All opinions are my own.

    So I have really been having a hard time(incase you havn't heard) so I was searching for anything that I could find happiness in. So I bought myself a candle. It is one of those Diamond candles that has the ring inside it. It is not that big of a deal but I just needed something...anything...to look forward to. It gave me something to think about, something to look forward to, something to be happy about. I am having such a hard time being happy, that this gave me a little something to lift my spirits. I realized that the chances of me getting a $5000 ring was slim...extremely slim. I knew I was going to end up with a cheap ring. But just having that hope was a good feeling. Having something that I could think...maybe it can happen. And even if it was a cheap ring. If it was pretty, I was not going to mind. I do not care about the price of a ring if it is pretty.Any other time, I would talk myself out of it, but not this time. I knew I needed it no matter how stupid it seemed. I was going to do this for ME. Not anybody else. Something I can smell that will make ME happy. It is MY money to do whatever I want with for MYSELF.

    I love candles. Take me to Walmart and I could stay in the candle aisle smelling every single one. I have multiple candles all over my room. I love them. My mother can't smell so I have always joked that I have enough love of scents for the both of us. So when I saw people talking about the Diamond Candles I was curious. I am already happy with a candle, put the chance of a pretty ring in it and I am game. You know what else I love? Cupcakes. So can you guess what kind of candle I got?

 

So the wait until I got the ring was horrible. It felt like it took forever to get to me. I spent all day waiting for the tracking information to update. Finally after about a week and a half, I came home from work and had my package. I went home and lit it as soon as I walked into my room. It smelt like cupcakes so I was relieved. Not some fake version. Actual cupcakes. I was really worried about not liking the scent when I got it. So I burnt it for four hours that night and it barely burnt down at all. So the next night I lit it after work at 4pm and as I was falling asleep I decided to keep it burning. I was so scared about burning my house down. So after a nightmare, I woke up at 5am and saw a gold package sticking out. So in my half asleep state I had a genius idea to scoop it out with my glasses. I....don't...know.

I am happy with the ring I got. It is ruby like I wanted and it fits. I can't complain. Of course I was bummed once I knew for sure that it wasn't expensive but there is always next time. Overall, I am happy with what I got.

Maybe....

Maybe this is what happens when you are with someone from teenagers. Maybe he wants to explore his young years and I don't. Maybe he wants to party and I don't. Maybe he wants to have experienced more girls that just me. The more I think about it, the more it hurts. Why did everything have to be ruined? Why is this happening? Why are others' opinions more important than mine. Why are others' in general, more important than I am? I was supposed to be first. I was supposed to be the person he always went to no matter what. Why is this happening?! Why am I not enough?! Why does he not see how much he is throwing me away and ruining EVERYTHING?!!?!?!?!

He is turning into someone I do not even recognize and that really hurts. Where is MY kevin? The one I fell in love with? This one is a totally different person. This one does not act like the Kevin I know. I don't know if he is trying to be a rebel or act like this because I have no choice in the matter anymore since I am not the girlfriend or fiance. I don't know what he is thinking but he is turning into someone I do not even know. And I can't say anything because my opinion no longer counts. I am not important anymore. He says I am but he doesn't show it anymore. MY kevin would never do this.....but I guess he would.

Well Alriiggghhhtty Then

So I literally just wrote that blog post about being lost and not being able to enjoy the internet because every blog I read was someone who was married and happy or having babies and happy. I did not know what to turn to. I just wanted someone who I could focus on that was near where I am and happy. So I get on blogger and this was literally THROWN into my face.....

http://singlechristiangirls.wordpress.com/

Thanks God. :) I appreciate it.

Angry

I can't help but be angry. Not at anything in particular but just...everything. I am angry at Kevin for leaving me. I am angry at myself for being angry at him. I am angry at random people on Facebook for throwing how happy they are around on my wall. I am angry at the wedding commercials. I am angry at the random package in the mail that I recieve as a gift for making a registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I had waited MONTHS for that stupid package and now it comes. I am lost and even more angry because I can no longer read blogs. I used to spend my days reading blogs about marriage and babies and I loved it. I could get lost in many of them for hours. Now what? Now who am I supposed to read? They are all so dang happy and talk about their loved one(as they should because they should appreciate them. I know that in my heart). It just hurts so much to read their loving words. I am even angry at anybody who tries to make me feel better. Those "you deserve so much better than him" piss me off for some reason.I am angry at everything. Then I am frustrated because I do not want to be angry. I don't want to be hurting. Not yet. Not while Kevin is still here. I want to enjoy whatever time I can get while he is here. I tried to talk to Stephanie about not talking about the wedding infront of me because it hurts and got in response..."It's not my fault you broke up with him.". Like a knife to my heart.

On the plus side(if there is one), I talked to Kevin about what was going on. Because me and him are the ones who have to communicate the best. If we are going to get through this as friends we have to be honest. We talked and basically instead of being angry at eachother for what has happened. Look at it more like, we are both doing what we believe is right for each of us. If we can look at eachother in the eye and tell the other one we truly believe we are doing what is right, then neither of us should feel guilty. We believe that God has a plan for both of us. If we are meant to be husband and wife, one day we will be. If we are meant to just be great friends who know the best and worst of eachother, then that is what we will be. If we are meant to be strangers with great memories(which I truly hope we arnt meant to be) then that is what we will be.

We even made the joke that maybe we thought WE were supposed to be a couple but it is actually our children that are meant to fall in love. Haha that is a weird thought. Anyway, the point is that it made me feel better. He knows I am hurting and I know he is hurting and we are both trying to support ourselves and eachother. At first I took his not being emotional as not caring. But then I realized he has never been the daily emotional kind. He cries at big moments. Where I can cry multiple times a day because I keep thinking about it. I don't know why I was expecting anything different. I have always been the more emotional one and he has kept calm to support me. Why would he be different now. But of course my mind reads it as he does not care. I have also been dealing with jealousy bad. Anytime he is not near me I am jealous of whoever he is talking to. I keep thinking "I only have him for so long, and you all keep taking his attention away!" I even annoy myself with this. I mean, come on, I don't want to be that girl. That is just immature.

I take every day one step at a time. Some days I am fine. Other days I have moments where I get really depressed. Kevin seems to be on the look out for those moments and when I get depressed, he comes over and talks to me about what I am thinking about. It helps a lot because everyone else tries to be supportive and offer advice, which I appreciate but usually all it is is me wanting to vent and Kevin is able to listen to me vent and then either tell me I am completely right or my mind is wandering and he is not counting the seconds until he can run out the door. Looking at it as we are both meant to do something, even if it is not with eachother makes it easier to deal with. I am able to look at it as letting him go because he believes it is what is best for him and he is letting me stay because I believe it is best for me. It is not so heartbreaking to look at it like that. It still hurts. Just not as much. This whole situation is just really confusing. I do not know how to feel. One moment I am devestated, the other moment I am calm, and then 10 seconds later I am a crying mess. It is exausting. Sometimes I just sit somewhere and my head is just spinning. I never expected this to happen.

Changes Coming

I realize that in order to move on, I have to make this blog about me and no longer about my upcoming wedding. So I am going to be changing this design around. But I wanted to have pictures of the "old" so that I can tell how this blog changes throughout the years. I realize these are the WORST pictures ever, I should know better than to take pictures of a computer screen, but it is the best I can do at this point.

Here we go....

I am a twenty year old who loves everything that has to do with cupcakes and photography. I could spend all day on Pinterest looking up anything that has to do with either of those subjects. I was born in Arizona but have moved from there to California and eventually Nevada. I am a Communications Assistant and love my job. I don't know if I will be it forever, but I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. I am told that I am sensitive,giving,and very eager to please(which I have to admit is not always the best thing to be). I love to write and it has always been the biggest hobby over anything else. When I was younger I hated how some stories ended so I just wrote the endings I wanted. One book I read had the main characters boyfriend die at the end and I was pissed. I have always loved being able to figure out my thoughts and feelings by writing them down.

Kevin is so much to me. He is my best friend,my confidant,my venting wall when I have a bad day(unfortunately),my car fixer,and so much more that I could never fully express to him. He is twenty as well and has had my heart since day one. He works with cars and knows more about them than I could ever see myself knowing. He is a master Call of Duty player and I fail miserably when I try to go against him. He is nice enough to let me just play on his team. Such a gentleman :) I can not see myself not spending every day with him growing. He is an incredible person with a kind heart and a strong faith. We have different personalities at times but usually we are able to balance each-other out.

 

In December of 2008 I was sitting outside at school and my friend walked up to me and we were talking. As she was leaving I stood up to give her a hug. From behind her, I heard a male voice ask,"Can I have one too?" and I looked at him. Little did I know, I had just met someone who would change my life forever. From day one we were best friends. I was a grade ahead so I did not have any classes together. But I can still remember when we would pass eachother on the walkway between buildings, we would smile at eachother as we passed and I always felt like he had turned around to watch me walk away. He implies that he did. :)

Our first date was at a skate rink. It was my very first date with a boy. We had a blast and at one point I had fallen and he was trying to help me up. I was laughing so hard that I could not stand up on the skates. After that, we went to Sadie Hawkins where I experienced my first "dance with a boy". It was to "Back at One" by Brian McNight.Prettttyyy romantic if I do say so myself.

We went through a series of ups and downs in the beginning due to both of us being fifteen and idiots(atleast I can admit it). We were inexperienced and had no idea what we wanted. But we fought for our relationship and came out the other end knowing we did not know what we were doing, but we wanted to figure it out together. Every night we would fall asleep talking on the phone. It was great to fall asleep to his snores. As cheesy as that sounds. His home life was rough so we did not get to go on very many dates so all we could do was talk on the phone and towards the end of him living at home, I got to go over there and hang out and he came to my house pretty often.

His proposal was not a shock. But that is not his fault. I made my wishes very clear. There was a ring I loved with a pink heart in the middle. One day Kevin and I were in class together(we were able to get JROTC together because it had a bunch of grades in one room), and there was a lot of whispers. I pretended not to hear them. After class was over, everyone was walking out and Kevin told me to walk to the grass area in front of the school. I followed him and so did everyone else. As we got there, I couldn't help but smile as I saw him take a deep breath and lower to his knee.(See above picture :)) and then he said "Will you marry me?" and being the smart ass I am I thought it was funny to say "Well I don't know....yes" and then we kissed and all that mushy stuff. And everyone cheered. That one picture was the only picture taken. It bums me out only because I only have one picture from such a happy day that meant so much. My wedding will have so many, but my engagement has one. Yet in a way, it makes the one picture so important to me. It is all I have from that day to look at.

We continued strengthening our relationship throughout the years. School ended and real life started. We experienced the struggles and joy of moving in together. We experienced the struggles and joy of working and having money. We decided whether we wanted to get married in December of 2012 or 2013. We went with 2013 because we decided that gave us an extra year to grow as individuals and as a couple. The wait sucks but it will be well worth it.

Lost

I still have no idea what I am going to say. So much has happened and I have no idea how to "sum it up". But I guess I have to say it or else it will never end up here. To even say why we broke up is hard. All I can do is try to tell it and hope it makes sense. I guess it all comes down to we saw life differently. He lost his job and I wanted him to find a new one, he says he was and I say he wasn't looking very hard. So it was a constant battle to get him motivated. I saw him not trying, and he saw me nagging I guess. So a couple months ago, an old friend of his, her boyfriend, and their one year old child came to live with us under the assumption that everyone in the house would get jobs and then they would get out on the own, Kevin and I would get married and move into our own place, and mom would stay here and everyone would be fine. So about last week Kevin came to me and said he had found a great job in Indiana and wanted to move there with me. I looked at him and told him I wasn't going because I was not going to end up on the street when he got fired. He said I was not trusting my future husband. So it was this back and forth for days between him trying to get me to go and me not wanting to. Of course, I wanted to be with him but how was I supposed to trust that he would take care of us all the way out there by ourselves when he couldn't be bothered to keep a job. But when I said that, he took it as an attack and told me it was hard to keep a job here and it wasn't his fault. So I had to pray hard about it and I realized that I did not have to go, but I could not keep him from going. In his heart he truly believes this is what he is meant to do so I have to let him go. Of course it breaks my heart but I have to do it. So he is staying until November so he can do a Halloween thing here and use the money for a plane ticket.

Yes,I am living with my ex fiancé for TWO months! I know...everyone thinks I am "a bigger person than they are" but that was apparently the only way of them getting money. But it realllyyy sucks. I am so used to him being with me at night and now the four of them are sleeping in the room right next to mine. We are trying to work on a friendship so that we can stay in contact but only time will tell on if that works. I have so many feelings on this though and it hurts my heart. The fact that I am worth leaving that easy. I said that to him and Stephanie and Stephanie basically said I was in the wrong too for not going with him. That he felt he wasn't worth me trusting him. Thanks....I just can't be that girl that falls for the same old line and gets herself trapped somewhere. So I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself, heartbroken that he can leave just like that, angry and jealous at Damien and Stephanie for coming in and ruining what I had. But I also realize that if we were as strong as I thought we were, they never would have come between us. It just feels like whenever I talk to him about them, he instantly comes to their defense. Like I am no longer as important and everyone else needs to be protected from my attacks. Which I do not think what I am asking is too much. Actually TRY to get a job, don't trash the house, etc. But I guess it is. I do not want them to sound like the bad guys. They aren't. I am just really hurt and am so very confused. I can not believe we went from a birthday dinner with my fiancé who I was marrying in a few months to him leaving. But that is how quickly life changes. I just can't believe all it took was a thought and he was ready to move and I'M the stupid one for not wanting to go. How the hell is it that easy for other people to just leave and think nothing of it....or me. I can't go on Facebook much anymore because everyone is having families and getting married, and that pisses me off! I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be trying for a baby next February\March. Everything was supposed to work out. And now I am single and heartbroken. I am happy that my friends are living their life's and are happy. But I wanted it to be me too.

I truly hope when he goes out there that he was telling the truth and he is happy and has a great job that he keeps. I do not want to sound in this post like I hope he fails. No matter what the future holds, he was my  best friend and was supposed to be my husband. I do not want him hurting. But I just could not take that big a risk when I have not seen any results. Maybe I will regret it later on, that this will be one of my big mistakes. But my heart tells me it isn't wrong. So I have to trust that. And apparently his heart tells him it is right to go, so he has to follow that. I thought about what would happen if he walked through the door and said he took it all back and wanted to stay. We would still have to work through this because he almost left. He was willing to break my heart because I would  not go with his big plan. Others opinions were more important than mine and he did not care what I felt or said. So that would be something he and I would have to go to counseling about or something. Because I can't get over that easily. But right now he has every intention of going. And I have to just take every day one step at a time. And when November comes and he leaves, I will try to smile and wish him luck on his journey and pray to god he does what he needs to do to be successful and does not let himself or others tear him down.

I just can't believe after five years.....I failed at making him happy. We were supposed to be alright and stay happy and I failed at that. Going to Indiana with friends made him happier than staying with me. That is a horrible feeling. And now I am stuck with a blog that was literally made with him in mind. I want to keep it going because I still want to look back on it. I just don't know how to turn this into a new blog. But Forever and Always Ellis will have to go by a different name because I guess I will never be an Ellis now.

My boss at work told me that the problem is I am too old for my age. My age is 20 but my maturity is way older, which is why I make decisions that other 20 year old's think are stupid. They said that Kevin is just acting like a 20 year old guy who doesn't think a week in advance so he does not realize what he is about to do. He is a young man and apparently I am a grown ass woman who is screwed out of her young and stupid days. *sigh* I know it will be alright. But god it really hurts. I loved him with all the love I knew how to love with, and now I have to watch him leave and I am really scared of how I will feel on that day.

You want to know something funny(and by funny I mean makes me sad)...today marks 100 days till December 11th. Yippee... :(