The past few days I have been battling a bit of hopelessness. During the week of J's passing, Kevin found out that he was being laid off due to them not needing him anymore. It was just the cherry on top of an already sucky situation. Before then, he and I had made all these plans for how we were going to seperate the bills and buy stuff for baby L. Well that got ruined with them laying him off. I know we will figure it out but it is just really scary. I am so thankful for what we do have. A warm and safe place to live, I have a good job that allows us to pay for that safe place to live, and my mother who is always willing to help us out with anything we need. But it is not what we planned. We wanted to do it all ourselves. We did not want to NEED to ask for anything. Only have it given to us if people wanted to.
Kevin feels like crap that he is doing nothing while I go to work but does not know anything he has not already been doing to apply for a job. He is truly trying to make sure anything I need is fulfilled. He makes anything I want to eat, cleans anything I ask, rubs anything I ask(haha), but he said the other night that he feels like he is the wife and I am the husband and that makes him feel like less of a man. I am so thankful, even with our money issues, that he is my best friend. It could be so much worse if I had to come home and he was yelling at me or putting me down. He tells me very much how I am appreciated for everything I do. So I try to remember that it could always be worse. Even with all our problems, we love each other and we love baby L and the rest will always be figured out. I grew up with my mother struggling with money but I always knew I was loved by her and we always worked everything out. She made sure my brothers and I never went a day without a warm place to sleep and food to eat, even if both of those were origionally hers.
Kevin and I will do the same. L will know he is loved every day by both of us. We may not have much but he can have whatever we have. We did not plan on him coming so early but he is coming and we are not going to complain when there are so many people who are worse off or can't be parents at all. I know we will figure out all the details when the time is right but right now I just feel like a bad mother for not having what is needed yet.
My point of this post is that this morning I was talking to Kevin about my fear and started crying, right in the middle of my stomach I felt a kick. My heart warmed because it truly felt like both my boys were listening and saying it was alright. The three of us were going to be just fine because we had each other. I eventually got up and got on the bus to go to work. Ever since that kick, L has been moving all over the place kicking and flipping. How can you be depressed when your son is doing the one thing that makes you stop in your tracks and smile? I know he most likely does not even know what he is doing, but I like to think he knows my heart is hurting and is trying to make me feel better. And it is working. I have said it before and I will say it many more times. L brings me joy each and every day. I pray each and every day for his growth and for him to feel his mommy and daddy's love for him. I can't wait until I truly meet him and get to know his little personality. Kevin started the tradition when I first got pregnant of laying his ear on my stomach and talking to his baby. And I did not realize he would actually keep that going every day. He is waiting for the day he finally feels a kick and trust me, L is trying. A couple days ago L kicked Kevin in the back but Kevin could not feel it. But one day, hopefully soon, Kevin will be able to feel a response to his talking.
His movement today has helped my day be much better. Everytime he kicks me, it feels like he is in there saying, "It is alright, I'm here Mommy."
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