A Hard Week

I guess the easiest way to work through this is to start from Friday. Not that Friday is really important at all but it is the only way to work through what I have to describe. So Friday I went to the ER because my finger became infected. It hurt really badly and I did not want any infection to hurt the baby. So my mother and I went to the ER to get it fixed. Simple fix by cutting the finger and letting it drain. So I was bandaged up and sent home. I went back to Mom and J's house where Kevin was sleeping for work the next morning. Saturday morning Kevin had a hard time waking up and I could tell he was not feeling well, but he got up eventually and took Mom's car to work. The vehicle he usually drives was broken so he had been using Mom's car. I went down stairs when I was ready for work and J said he wasn't feeling well either. I made the comment that something was going around because both guys were not feeling well. J took me to work though and I
 went about my day. After work my mom picked me up and told me Kevin was at their house really sick so we had to pick up some medicine and a thermometor and stuff like that. I had been prescribed antibiotics so we just picked it all up at the same time. So I got back to the house and Kevin was burning up and could barely talk.
J had been having trouble with his blood pressure rising and dropping and he was getting dizzy so both of them stayed on the couch until it was time for bed. Everyone went to bed and Kevin had a really restless night getting up every hour or so and barely sleeping when he was in bed. The next morning he was having chest pains and we decided to take him to the ER to make sure he was alright. I told mom and Kevin went downstairs and told J and we left. We got there around noon and he was admitted around 9 that night. Mom played the "mom card" and said that after Kevin was settled in his room and I felt comfortable leaving him, that I needed to come home and eat something and rest. So when he was in his room and I got him a snack, I tearfully left. Mix pregnancy hormones with leaving the love of my life in a hospital bed when my mother had just been in one almost a year before, and I was not happy to be leaving without him. But I told myself he was in good
 hands and went back to the house. I came in the house and J was on the couch talking to his son's girlfriend. I said hello and went to make something to eat. J said he was still not feeling good and that his blood pressure was being really wacky and I said he should get checked out too. He said he was going to the doctor the next day and he turned off the stuff in the living room and went upstairs to bed. My mom came down a few minutes later and I got really emotional because I was tired of people I love ending up in the hospital. I told her I just wanted everyone to stay alright. She said she understand why I was upset and went upstairs to sleep also. I had a really bad night alone in the bed but told myself in the morning I would see Kevin again and everything would be alright. So I woke up Monday morning at 8am and went downstairs to eat a bagel because I had promised Kevin I would eat before I went to see him.
So I drove to the hospital and went into his room to see him. I did not get to stay very long because he told me the nurse said the material they were using for his testing could be harmful to the baby. I could not stop crying. I told him I just had a really bad feeling and could not stop myself from crying. He said he would be alright and not to worry. I told him I just can not stop crying for some reason and literally said, "Today is a bad day." He asked why and I said I didn't know.  Finally I was able to walk out of the room and told him we would talk on Facebook when I got home and we would talk all day until I could come back. I left the hospital and started driving back to their house. I got about halfway there when my phone rings. Normally I do not answer my phone while driving. I have never wanted to start that habit. But for some reason, this time I did. As soon as I said hello, my mothers voice came on the line and asked me if I was still at
 the hospital. I said no and she told me J was being taken to the ER and I told her I would turn around and meet her there. I had the thought that both guys would be admitted and me and mom would hang out together between the two rooms. I got the ER and she wasn't there yet so I went to the cafeteria to get a soda and some chips.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the ER and I have the memory of hearing an ambulance. I knew that was him and expected my mother to walk through the door soon. Within minutes J's father came running in so fast that the security officer ran over to him like he was about to beat the entire place up or something. J's mother came shortly after. I got a sinking feeling when they did not immediately let them go back. Mom, J's son, and the son's girlfriend came in shortly after. They were all over in the corner for a couple minutes talking to the check in lady. I saw J's father stand up and yell, "Chaplain my ass!" as a man in a white coat walked over and told them to come with him. As soon as I heard the title, my heart stopped. Wasn't that like...a pastor? I replayed any Greys Anatomy episode I could think of. What did Chaplain's do? I already knew the answer before I wanted to admit it. We walked around the back of the hallways and came to a room. As
 soon as mom saw the door she started screaming and backing away. My mom works at a hospital, she knew that room. The staff eventually got everyone in the room and told us the doctor would be in shortly. Everyone was in tears. The doctor did not need to tell anyone. Except me. I sat there in shock and confusion. What the hell had happened? I had not been told anything earlier by mom except he had passed out.  The next few moments in my mind can be summed up if you have ever seen the Selena movie. The doctor walked in and told us they had done everything they could but J had not made it.
I sat there while everyone started crying loudly and cursing. I had no idea what had happened. I thought he was supposed to be at the doctor right now? What happened? I just sat there staring at a water bottle they had brought. Just staring and thinking.."what?". J's dad stormed out of the room and apparently took the truck he came in and dissapeared for an hour or two. Everyone else sat there crying until they were told they could go see J. When mom went back there, I knew what I had to do. I told everyone where I was going and walked upstairs. In the elevator I could feel people staring at me so I can only imagine the look on my face. I truly did not care in that moment. I just stared forward. Once I got to Kevin's room, I stopped at the door and took a deep breath. He was sleeping when I walked in so I just sat on the bed and stared out the window. That is when the tears started rolling uncontrollably. Kevin woke up and asked me what was wrong but I
 just shook my head so he kept asking. I looked at him and did the best I could to tell him what was happening. His eyes filled up with tears and he said he wanted to go home. Unfortunately he did not end up getting released until that night around 8. His diagnosis was basically that he was working himself too hard(staying up late, not sleeping enough, not drinking enough water, etc) and that his heart is not as good as it should be for his age. He knew his heart was not the best so now he just has to constantly be aware of what could happen and not let himself become unhealthy. If not, the doctor said he runs the risk of a future heart attack that he may not survive. Mom came in shortly after and we decided to go home. We ended up going over to J's parents house with everyone else because no one wanted to be alone.

The past few days have been overwhelming and horrible. After everyone was together the story became known about what happened. The days leading up to it, J had told mom and his mother that he did not feel well and they both said he needed to go to the ER. He said he would be fine and would go to the doctor. He told his mom he had chest pain and a blood pressure of extremely high but did not tell my mom, we are thinking because he knew she would make him go the hospital. So that morning, he got out of bed with mom and fell on the ground. She called 911 and rushed to him but having medical experience she knew he was gone soon after. She still attempted cpr because she said she had to be doing something, but she knew it was not doing anything for him. I told her to be so thankful that he was not alone and she was the last thing he saw. The EMT's came in and tried their best but...it was too late. They took him to the ER to make it official. It is assumed
 that due to a doctors error with his medication, that he had a massive heart attack. Everyone is dealing with the pain the their own way. Some are using aggression and anger. Some are using tears. Some are trying to surround themselves with friends. And some are surrounding themselves with anything that reminds them of him and trying to keep to themselves.
Mom is dealing with the pain of losing the man she was going to marry next April. She feels lost and hopeless and misses him so much. It hurts me so much to watch her so sad. I want to fix this and make it better but I can't. If I could, I would bring J back in a heartbeat but life does not work like that and it really sucks.
Kevin is dealing with the fact that he never got to say goodbye. Nobody really did but the last time he saw J was when he was rushing out the door to the ER and did not have any idea that he would never see J again. That is really hurting him. Also the scary feeling that it could have been him if he had not gone to the ER.
I am dealing, well I do not know how I am dealing. I have always had this way of coping that I have to take care of others. I can cry later, I need to be strong for them now. I usually am fine but sometimes I just start tearing up. Especially at night when my mind can wander.I miss him so much and it breaks my heart that I am never going to see him sitting in his chair watching tv or see his truck when he picks me up from work. I feel like I never truly told him how much he meant to me and how much I appreciate everything he did.
My brothers were here last weekend so I am thankful they were able to have a great weekend with him at the St. Patricks Day parade\carnival. They will find out in two weeks which I am dreading. It is going to break their hearts also. And that same weekend was when we were going to celebrate N's birthday.
J may have been around for a short time, but he changed my family's life forever. He showed us that there are great men who are willing to accept a family and make it his. He was so excited for baby cub and was going to make an incredible grandpa. But I believe in my heart he is up there watching over us and will be this child's guardian angel.