4 Week Update

I know it is early. i know pretty much none of these answers are relevant yet. But I want to know how my life has changed, even from day one.

How far along: 4 weeks(Size of a Poppy Seed)

Total weight gain: Haha in general, probably a lot more than the last time I weighed myself. But that has been years so I don't even know my starting weight yet.

Maternity clothes: Not yet...

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Sleep? What is that? Ugh. Since I found out, it has seemed to be I can't sleep one night, dead tired and sleep a little the next, then I can't sleep, then the next night I am dead tired and sleep a little. Hopefully I can figure something out. I am tired but then I go to bed and just lay there in the dark.

Best moment of this week: Top two, Kevin finding out and Mom finding out. Both great memories.

Miss anything: Sleep I guess. But that is it.

Movement: No and I am not one of those people who try to say I do feel it at 4 weeks.

Food cravings: Hmmm...I would say no. Before I knew I was pregnant, I was eating eggs and cheese every day all day. But I am not out of eggs so that has halted. But I am not really missing it. In fact, I am on the brink of not wanting to eat. I get ravenous for food and then when it is in front of me I do not want to eat it. It is really weird. When my stomach growls, I tell Kevin that baby cub is roaring. Haha.

Anything making you queasy or sick: The sink got clogged up last night and I could not go into the kitchen because it smelled horrible. Kevin scrubbed the sink to get all the smell out so I could not smell it anymore. *Bless his heart*. Car rides too. If they are bumpy, my stomach starts getting upset. Heart burn is what gets me. I got heartburn when I wasn't pregnant but now..yikes. I just thought of spicy chips and got heartburn. I swear to you.

Have you started to show yet: No I am just chubby.

Gender: I honestly don't care. I have plans for both genders. But if I had to pick what I think I am having, it would be a boy. It could just be because I assume it is but that is what my gut says.

Labor signs: God no. And not for a long while I hope.

Belly button in or out: In...waaayyyy in.

Wedding rings on or off: Haha. Well depends on how you want to look at it. My engagement ring is still on to answer the question.

Happy or moody most of the time: I wish I could say I was happy all the time. But I am a raging biotch. I feel so bad but anything Kevin does to be funny, I stare at him with a straight face and roll my eyes. Sometimes I am fine, but then I get that starving to death hunger and it makes me really really cranky. I hate being so pissy all the time. My hunger mixed with exaustion makes me horrible to be around I am sure.

Looking forward to: All the milestones that are coming. Heart beat, Movement, Gender, all the fun stuff. Right now I just feel fat and mean. I do not feel or look pregnant.

When I start stressing out and want to calm myself down, I close my eyes and imagine a little hand wrapped around my finger. I do not know what our baby will look like so I can't picture it. But I can picture its hand. Small and soft. It actually works to calm me down.

Little Love of Mine

December 21st-

       I don't know how I knew  but I did. I can not explain what made me take that test when I was not even late. But something made me buy that pack of tests while I was in the store getting cookies. Things kept trying to keep me from going to the store but something in me kept struggling to get there. Maybe you can say it was some instinct. I know my body and something was different. When I took the test after I got home, I almost threw it in the trash as soon as I took it because it was going to be negative and I was crazy. But then I saw something I was not expecting. A second line. That second line changed my life in an instant. Instantly I walked out of the bathroom and stood at the top of the stairs staring down at Kevin. He saw the look on my face and was completely confused. What could have happened in the bathroom that would make me look like that? I sat down next to him and said that there might possibly be a second line of a test he did not even know I was taking.

     I did not tell him because I figured I was just having an off month and nothing was any different. I was going to see the negative and move on with my life. But as I sat there next to him, I was not sure how he would react. True to his calm nature, he said "Let me take a look." so we walked into the kitchen and he looked. As soon as he held it, I knew he saw it too. It was there. At 8 at night, it was there. Also speaking of mother instinct, mine called at that EXACT moment to tell me something random. Her first sentence was "Hey mommy, can I......."  which normally is a joke  between us because she is MY mother she doesn't have to ask permission for anything. But in that moment, it threw me off. I know she was on the other end thinking I was in the middle of an argument or something. I wanted so badly to tell her but I knew I wanted to make it special since Christmas was a couple days later. After we got off the phone I burst into tears.

     You always wonder what it feels like to get a positive and now I knew. And it was overwhelming. I was so happy because my best friend was going to finally be the father of my children. We had planned for our entire relationship what our future would be like, and now it was happening. I was disappointed in myself because I had always made it clear I was going to be married and settled and now it felt like I was letting myself and Kevin down. And a feeling I was not expecting was fear. Not in a "Oh crap I am pregnant" kind of way, but in the way of, "God gave me this baby without me planning it. What if he takes it away?" That is the worst fear ever. I have become so attached to someone who I was not aware of that morning. I remembered something that the Youtube girl I watch said when she took her test and it made sense now. "God, if you are going to give me this baby. Please do not take it away from me."

     I am so in love with this baby already but I am so scared to imagine my future because what if this is my first loss. I am one of those people who loved to watch pregnancy stuff but I also was not pregnant so I watched the scary stuff too. Now the scary stuff is all I can think about.  I let Kevin know my fears and he comforted me and let me know that just because we are having a child earlier than we expected, that does not mean we can't still be amazing parents. He said that he would make sure they were safe and happy because his kids would not live the life that he did. His tone of voice made me believe him fully.

    I made my mother a sheet of paper that says, "The greatest mothers become great nana's" and put it in a picture frame to give her on Christmas morning." My grandparents and brothers are here so they will all know Christmas morning. To say that I am scared is an understatement. These are the most important people in my life and they are all going to find out at the exact same time. I just want them to react well so I don't have bad memories of them finding out.

    I pray every night and day for this child. I may not have expected him or her but they are here so I will protect them with everything I have. Kevin is so cute. He holds me every night and rubs my stomach. We both know the baby is way to small to feel anything but he knows his "baby cub" is in there somewhere and he likes to touch it. It warms my heart.

December 23rd-

    My Mimi knows. I swear she does. I was upstairs when her and Papa came in our house and when I heard them I walked to the edge of the stairs. She looked up at me and smiled, looking me up and down. I laughed and asked her "What?" and she said "Oh nothing, just looking at you." and smiled again. Then I came down and hugged her a few minutes later and she patted my stomach. She is playing with my mind, I swear to you.

   I have been testing every morning since that first test. I will stop once the ones I have are used. But for some stupid reason, I am so scared of mom opening her present and then me taking a test and not even being pregnant. It makes no sense because that can still happen even if I test the morning of. But it makes me feel better so whatever. I am sure I am driving Kevin crazy with my fear but each time he reassures me that it is out of my control. That stressing myself out will cause something to go wrong and defeat the purpose of what I am scared of. I am hoping once I go to the doctor and the days go by, my fear will not be as strong. I know I will always be scared for this child, that is my life now.

   But I just don't want to be so scared about if I am truly pregnant still or not. This morning I was scared because the lines on the test did not look any darker than the one the day before, but looking online helped me think that the one I was using was 88 cents and you get what you pay for. Other women seemed to never have it get darker on that brand. So I read that and went on with my day. I do not want to scare myself with Google. I have done that enough already.

 

December 25th-

 

  

    So yesterday my grandparents and Kevin took me to work. Apparently on the way home, my Mimi got sick and ended up being rushed to the hospital. The doctors think she is going to be fine, but they kept her overnight. I felt so bad that she was not going to be there when mom opened her present. This morning, my brothers were tearing open their presents and Kevin handed mom her presents. She always waits until everyone has opened theirs to open hers. My heart was racing so much when she finally reached for it. She opened the frame and stared down at it. Then she looked up at me. Her face...priceless. Shock is all I could see. I told her God had a sense of humor.  Put off the wedding so that we can "grow up" and I get pregnant. She took it really well though. I was so relieved. I don't think L and N understood. There was no baby around me, so they did not believe what Kevin was telling them at all. They seriously think he is just joking with them. Papa was really excited and left to take moms present to show Mimi. I can't wait to talk to Mimi after work. Speaking of work, I announce I am pregnant and then go to work until 7pm. Ugghhhh being an adult sucks. But it is what I gotta do so I sucked it up and went.

 

    I was not going to say anything on Facebook but mom asked if it was alright she post a picture and I decided to take the leap of faith. I am going to love this child for eternity, and I am going to trust that God will let me keep this child. It is exhausting to be scared about any cramp I feel, so I am just going to trust that this baby will be here in my arms 8 months from now. I truly do love this child. And his\her daddy loves them too. Very much. He called his grandma and she was excited too. I think she was as shocked as mom was. Understandable. We are trying to figure out a way to be married and be covered for pregnancy and delivery. I am so relieved to have everyone know.  I hated keeping the secret. I am the worst at keeping secrets. I told mom about Mimi making me think she knew, and mom said Mimi had told her when she was pregnant with me. Wow...that is cool. It has been a great Christmas. I am so excited and happy. Now I just need to call the doctor's office and set up an appointment.

Merry Christmas

A Little Bit Painful

I am really sorry I have not been posting much lately. I am in the middle of "something" so I have not been near my computer much. I do not want to jinx anything yet so I have not said anything. I pinky promise that I will tell you all as soon as I can. Now...as you were....

The next post in the "Getting To Know Me Series" is going to be a little bit painful. You know why? Because it is about my worst injuries! And you thought it was going to be all depressing and stuff.

The Sweet Kitty That Wasn't So Sweet

When I was about 11 or so, I went outside to play in the field next to our house. There was this black and white cat that was meowing in the field, watching me as I ran up. I stopped and looked at it because I knew some cats weren't nice. So it walked up to me and started purring. I figured it wanted to be petted since it was purring so I leaned down and touched it's head. In a split second this cat was hissing and attached to my arm. I started screaming and shaking my arm around wildly while this cat stuck to my arm. After what felt like eternity it finally detached it's claws from my little arm and I ran for my life into my house. What a sight it must have been for my mother when I burst through the door screaming and bleeding all down my arm. She asked what had happened and I didn't want to look stupid so I told her I thought it was our cat Lucky so I petted it. Um...Lucky was all black and this cat was black and white. She later pointed that out a couple days later. I ended up getting cleaned up at the house and did not need to go to the hospital but it left a nasty scar on my left arm.

That same cat 1. Knocked up our cat and she had a baby that looked just like it's dad, and I LOVED that kitten. 2. Went next door and attacked their cats so animal control came and had to put it down. That cat was a bad kitty. But I will have you know that I no longer pet ANY cat, whether they are purring or not. I have no trust for them.

Big Toe NOOOOOOO!

Right after my parents got divorced, my mother and I moved into an apartment. While she went to get some stuff from the store, I was making Macaroni and Cheese for dinner. While it was cooking I was exploring the kitchen and opening cabinets and drawers. I got to the drawer in front of the sink. I had seen the ones that popped open so I tried to do that. I pulled...and pulled...and pulled but it did not "pop open". It, in fact, popped off and out of shock I dropped the heavy piece of wood onto my foot and when I looked down my toenail had broken down the middle and was shooting blood out of it. Of course my instinct is to hop around the kitchen floor in pain, spreading blood around. And THAT is when my mother walks in the door and stares at me like, "I leave you alone for 10 minutes." She...again... helped fix me up and there was no much she could do. My nail was broken and I could barely walk on it. On the plus side, I did not have to do the running part of the Physical Training test in JROTC that year at my school do to my "problem". I know the teachers thought I was an idiot for doing that to myself but oh well. I gave them, and everyone else, a laugh that year. My nail died and eventually regrew. Unless I told you, you would never know anything had happened to it. So that is good.

I realize that both injuries are caused by me being an idiot and touching things I should not be touching. But at least I only do it once.

Today....

     

*This was our first ever picture taken*

 

       The past few days leading up to today have been bittersweet. On one side, I am so very happy to be celebrating five years with the man I love. On the other side, I kept thinking how I was going to be getting married today. This time last year, I was sure that I would be walking down the aisle and marrying him on this day. So this has caused me to be very emotional the past few days. I was so very thankful that he is here to be celebrating an anniversary at all because just two months ago I did not think that would be happening. Yet I was also...bummed I guess would be the word, that we were not going to be married by tomorrow. At first I just kept my feelings to myself because I felt stupid but the other morning I could  not stop crying and Kevin was getting frustrated because I would not tell him what was wrong. So I opened up and told him how I felt. He said it was worth it to wait a little longer and be ready for marriage when it is right for us, than to get married just because we are impatient. I agreed with what he said but like I said...I am bummed. But today is not meant to be sad at all. So anyway....

 

Happy five year anniversary. You are my best friend and the other half of my heart. From the day we met five years ago we have been inseparable and you have been the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep. I am so thankful for everything you do for me each day, big and little. You have such an amazing faith and I love knowing you wi...ll be my partner in making sure our children know about their God. You have an incredible strength and you use it to help me when I feel weak, including when I thought I was losing my mother. You were strong next to my side while I paced the hall of the waiting room in front of family, and held me while I cried in fear when we were alone. You have an incredible heart and I see parts of you that nobody else has ever seen. You do so many things for me every day just because you want to make me happy. That means alot to me. I hope you know just how important you are to me, even if I do not always show it. Every day I spend with you makes me appreciate just how in love with you I am. I love every little thing we do together because the little moments are what make me feel safe and loved with you.We have been through a lot together and I am so thankful that we are still here going strong and making our way to six years and many more. I WILL marry you one day. It may have been put off a little longer but I WILL be your wife one day. I know that with my heart. I love you in a way that I have never loved another person and I try each and every day to make sure you know that. Happy Anniversary

    

Childhood Memories

 

The next question in the "Getting To Know Me Series" is, "What are three memories from your childhood?". I thought hard about what were my favorite that I would want documented. These are the three.

Memory One-

    Every Christmas season, Mom would buy a chocolate orange and some cinnamon rolls from the grocery store. We would crawl into her big bed(well it seemed big compared to my twin bed) and she would turn on Rudolph and we would lay in bed eating our yummy snacks and watching a classic. I was such a little thing that she did not realize would be such a big memory for me but it is. I love remembering the feeling I had as we laid there watching Rudolph and other Christmas movies. That is a tradition I would love to continue with my children.

Memory Two

My second memory is being at my Mimi and Papa's house. That is not really a single memory but more of a group of them. I used to have so much fun at their house. I had quite an imagination so I was always somewhere in their house acting out something in my head. I had a big wheel at one point and I was allowed to ride it up to their church down the street and back. I had a blast riding up and down that street. I swore that I had the best big wheel  in all of California. It was the greatest  time running around their house playing. My Mimi would always make sure there was Capri Suns in the house so that became my favorite drink because it made me think of her.

Memory Three

My third memory is another Christmas tradition. At my church as a kid, they had a "Advent Fair" where kids walked around to various tables to make stuff such as wreaths and gingerbread houses. There was always about 20 tables that had different things to do and you got to put all the stuff you made in a box to take home. And they had a bunch of Christmas snacks and hot chocolate. I loved it as a kid because I got to do all kinds of different crafts and eat a bunch of yummy things while holiday music  played. I love to remember how it felt to run around and have a blast doing all sorts of stuff. It was an amazing feeling that always warms my heart to remember.

I have some really great memories that are not listed but these would be my top three.

Your Going to Hear Me Roar!!!

The next question on the "Getting To Know Me Series" is....If you were an animal, what would you be and why? Well that is easy.

                                                                            Source

I would be a lioness. I know that immediately. Why, you ask?(or even if you didn't). My sign is Leo and I have always felt that it fit my personality well. I am calm and watchful until you push me past my breaking point. Then in a flash I can snap at you for a couple seconds. Then I am calm again. I am fiercely protective of anyone I feel a maternal instinct for such as my little brothers, helpless animals, babies, etc. I like to watch from a distance and assess the scene while others go into battle. Which leads me to.... Kevin is also a Leo and he would be my Lion. While I sit back and watch, he goes and fights the battle. Then when he comes back I lick his wounds. I imagine when we have a family, we will both look over our children as Lion's and Lioness's do. Plus when we argue we fight for a good couple minutes and then we are done and the fight is over. We even have a Lion tattoo on my collarbone and his arm. So I believe that if I were an animal, it would most definitely be a Lioness. Because they are to die for. (Get it? Get it? Nevermind.)