Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Landon's First Month
This past month has been a lot of learning for everyone. Many tears have been shed by me out of fear and frustration. I did not expect to be so overwhelmed by everything. I have had many moments where I feel like I am just failing miserably and Landon will hate me forever.
I have had many moments where I am so stressed, that I don't think of the obvious solution to the problem. For example, our first trip to walmart left me and Landon hysterical because I was so overwhelmed by him being hungry that I didn't even think to take him out of his stroller and hold him until I was able to feed him. As soon as he was held he stopped crying and I felt horrible for not thinking of it myself.
I am not saying all this to complain. I would gladly take all the frustration over and over for him. I am simply being honest. This month has been hard and it has been scary and it has been exhausting. But it has also been amazing. Every day I become more and more confident in my ability to care for him. I learn more about Landon's personality and adapt to his likes and dislikes. I learn to take a breath and just stare at him thinking about how much I love him. I slowly have figured out ways to make everyones life easier and stopped trying to be perfect. I have learned about what the book says I should be doing and what I know is right for my son as his mother. I know there will always be bad days thrown into the good ones but I am trying to take each day as a learning experience and just do what I need to do to get through it.
My brain is a fog lately but I am going to try and give updates on various things as best as I can.
My healing has been going really well. Right after I gave birth I had trouble peeing and I swore I would never leave the hospital. But eventually I was able to do what I had to do. The nurses pushing on my stomach hurt like hell and I understand why everyone hates it now. The first two weeks were horrible when it came to getting out of bed. I felt horrible because it would take me about five minutes to get up and do something. I hated moving so slow but if I moved any faster the pain made me regret it. I had heard great things about that numbing spray but it didn't really do anything for me. The Tux pads however, AMAZING! I loved them and will definitely be stocking up with the next baby. Even though recovery hurt, I am thankful it was not as bad as it could have been. And one day it just didn't hurt as bad and every day after has gotten increasingly better.
My whole life I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I loved how much it could be beneficial for baby. I loved how much it can do for the mother and bonding the two. So my whole pregnancy I told myself and everyone else I would breastfeed. Landon came out and started eating like a champ. I was so proud of myself. As the weeks went on I encountered trouble. Breastfeeding became horrible. I was in so much pain everytime he ate and the entire time he ate, that it made me fear the next time he would get hungry. I began to hate breastfeeding because it caused me such pain which caused Landon to not get enough because I could not wait until he would finish and the pain would stop. One night when Landon was crying with hunger and I was in tears in pain and feeling frustrated, I decided to give him a sample I had gotten of formula. He was instantly happy. I felt like I had failed because I wanted to feed him only from me. I felt like I had let both of us down. But after talking to Kevin and my mom about it, I realized I had to do what was necessary for my own sanity. Making myself miserable would not benefit him. I also realized that just because I give him formula does not mean I can't still give him breastmilk. I got some formula and started giving it to him along with feeding him breastmilk as much as I could with a pump. It turns out that he had a case of thrush and that, mixed with normal cracked nipples, is what made the experience so painful. He got started on medicine and since then, feeding him has not had any pain. Unfortunately my supply plummeted due to feeding him formula and not pumping as much as I should have. I know if I work my butt off I could increase it but since I am going back to work, I just decided to continue with formula and maintain the supply I currently have. So he gets mainly formula, bottles of breastmilk when I pump it, and I try to feed him from me as much as possible because now that the pain is gone, I truly enjoy spending that time close with him. I wish thrush had been the first thing I had looked for and maybe I would not have been that in pain and he could have been solely breastfed. But I did what felt right for us and we both have been happier since. I still have moments where I feel like I failed him but I try to tell myself that as long as my baby is fed, I have not failed him.
Kevin and I have definitely had to adjust to not only being a couple but also parents. We have had to figure out how to balance eachother and a new baby who always needs us. The tiredness definitely adds stress and makes us snap at eachother occasionally. But we know how important it is that we keep our relationship strong so when we are really stressed, we try to take a deep breath and hug it out. All stress aside, he has been incredible this past month. I have cried many times for no reason simply due to hormones and he has comforted me every time. He has told me many times how amazing a mother I am and it helps my confidence a lot. He is great with Landon and it really does make me love him even more. We both have no idea what we are doing but we are sticking together as we figure it out. I cant imagine what it is like for the women who do not have a supportive significant other. I truly feel lucky to have someone who will hold my hand when I feel overwhelmed and tell me it will be alright and we will get through it together. He is so incredible and I fall more and more in love with him every day.
I also have to give my mother credit. She has been right next to Kevin giving me support. I have cried many a times in her presence as well. She has been the one teaching me that I don't have to follow the books, just do what is right for my son. Anytime I have a question about something, I go to her and she gives me an honest answer. She is who actually told me I was right about his thrush. I am just so thankful for her as well and believe our relationship has grown as well as she teaches me what she knows. Just like Kevin and I, my mom and I are trying to figure out how our relationship works as well. She has always been the "mother" and had to do everything. So now she is trying to learn how to be the "Nana" and let me be his mother. I am trying to learn that I do not have to feel like a sister when she helps me. I am his mother and he knows that. His love for his Nana will not take away from his love for me. I know she has trouble with letting me be a mother but not wanting me to be overwhelmed because she is still my mother. I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be a mother and everything she dealt with for me and my brothers. After dealing with a normal baby crying at night, I can't imagine the stress my colic caused her.
This month has been a rollercoaster, but it has been worth every second and I cant wait to see what the next month brings.
I have had many moments where I am so stressed, that I don't think of the obvious solution to the problem. For example, our first trip to walmart left me and Landon hysterical because I was so overwhelmed by him being hungry that I didn't even think to take him out of his stroller and hold him until I was able to feed him. As soon as he was held he stopped crying and I felt horrible for not thinking of it myself.
I am not saying all this to complain. I would gladly take all the frustration over and over for him. I am simply being honest. This month has been hard and it has been scary and it has been exhausting. But it has also been amazing. Every day I become more and more confident in my ability to care for him. I learn more about Landon's personality and adapt to his likes and dislikes. I learn to take a breath and just stare at him thinking about how much I love him. I slowly have figured out ways to make everyones life easier and stopped trying to be perfect. I have learned about what the book says I should be doing and what I know is right for my son as his mother. I know there will always be bad days thrown into the good ones but I am trying to take each day as a learning experience and just do what I need to do to get through it.
My brain is a fog lately but I am going to try and give updates on various things as best as I can.
My healing has been going really well. Right after I gave birth I had trouble peeing and I swore I would never leave the hospital. But eventually I was able to do what I had to do. The nurses pushing on my stomach hurt like hell and I understand why everyone hates it now. The first two weeks were horrible when it came to getting out of bed. I felt horrible because it would take me about five minutes to get up and do something. I hated moving so slow but if I moved any faster the pain made me regret it. I had heard great things about that numbing spray but it didn't really do anything for me. The Tux pads however, AMAZING! I loved them and will definitely be stocking up with the next baby. Even though recovery hurt, I am thankful it was not as bad as it could have been. And one day it just didn't hurt as bad and every day after has gotten increasingly better.
My whole life I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I loved how much it could be beneficial for baby. I loved how much it can do for the mother and bonding the two. So my whole pregnancy I told myself and everyone else I would breastfeed. Landon came out and started eating like a champ. I was so proud of myself. As the weeks went on I encountered trouble. Breastfeeding became horrible. I was in so much pain everytime he ate and the entire time he ate, that it made me fear the next time he would get hungry. I began to hate breastfeeding because it caused me such pain which caused Landon to not get enough because I could not wait until he would finish and the pain would stop. One night when Landon was crying with hunger and I was in tears in pain and feeling frustrated, I decided to give him a sample I had gotten of formula. He was instantly happy. I felt like I had failed because I wanted to feed him only from me. I felt like I had let both of us down. But after talking to Kevin and my mom about it, I realized I had to do what was necessary for my own sanity. Making myself miserable would not benefit him. I also realized that just because I give him formula does not mean I can't still give him breastmilk. I got some formula and started giving it to him along with feeding him breastmilk as much as I could with a pump. It turns out that he had a case of thrush and that, mixed with normal cracked nipples, is what made the experience so painful. He got started on medicine and since then, feeding him has not had any pain. Unfortunately my supply plummeted due to feeding him formula and not pumping as much as I should have. I know if I work my butt off I could increase it but since I am going back to work, I just decided to continue with formula and maintain the supply I currently have. So he gets mainly formula, bottles of breastmilk when I pump it, and I try to feed him from me as much as possible because now that the pain is gone, I truly enjoy spending that time close with him. I wish thrush had been the first thing I had looked for and maybe I would not have been that in pain and he could have been solely breastfed. But I did what felt right for us and we both have been happier since. I still have moments where I feel like I failed him but I try to tell myself that as long as my baby is fed, I have not failed him.
Kevin and I have definitely had to adjust to not only being a couple but also parents. We have had to figure out how to balance eachother and a new baby who always needs us. The tiredness definitely adds stress and makes us snap at eachother occasionally. But we know how important it is that we keep our relationship strong so when we are really stressed, we try to take a deep breath and hug it out. All stress aside, he has been incredible this past month. I have cried many times for no reason simply due to hormones and he has comforted me every time. He has told me many times how amazing a mother I am and it helps my confidence a lot. He is great with Landon and it really does make me love him even more. We both have no idea what we are doing but we are sticking together as we figure it out. I cant imagine what it is like for the women who do not have a supportive significant other. I truly feel lucky to have someone who will hold my hand when I feel overwhelmed and tell me it will be alright and we will get through it together. He is so incredible and I fall more and more in love with him every day.
I also have to give my mother credit. She has been right next to Kevin giving me support. I have cried many a times in her presence as well. She has been the one teaching me that I don't have to follow the books, just do what is right for my son. Anytime I have a question about something, I go to her and she gives me an honest answer. She is who actually told me I was right about his thrush. I am just so thankful for her as well and believe our relationship has grown as well as she teaches me what she knows. Just like Kevin and I, my mom and I are trying to figure out how our relationship works as well. She has always been the "mother" and had to do everything. So now she is trying to learn how to be the "Nana" and let me be his mother. I am trying to learn that I do not have to feel like a sister when she helps me. I am his mother and he knows that. His love for his Nana will not take away from his love for me. I know she has trouble with letting me be a mother but not wanting me to be overwhelmed because she is still my mother. I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be a mother and everything she dealt with for me and my brothers. After dealing with a normal baby crying at night, I can't imagine the stress my colic caused her.
This month has been a rollercoaster, but it has been worth every second and I cant wait to see what the next month brings.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Landon's Birth Story
I spent months preparing for him. Weeks telling myself my body was defective and he would never come. Days trying to figure out just what I needed to do to meet him. But it took seconds to fall in love with him. Everything everyone said about love. Everything I was terrified of not feeling, I understand now.
August 27th
Kevin had the day off work so we were spending the day together. I was feeling down because I still had not shown any signs of labor and I felt huge and sore. We had to pick up a money order for rent and some milk so we headed to Walmart. I was enjoying being out of the house and walking so as we were leaving, I made the comment that I really wanted to keep walking but it was so hot outside. He asked if I wanted to drop the milk off at home and then walk around the mall. I said yes and within the hour we were walking into the mall. We ended up spending about five hours there walking around the stores, trying the new shake store they had just opened, and talking about the future. It was an extremely great day and little did we know, it would be the last day we had before things got exciting.
In the late afternoon we left the mall and went home. All the walking left us both tired so we just relaxed for the rest of the night.
August 28th
I woke up at 4 am and needed to use the bathroom. As I went to wipe I noticed there was a little bit of blood. I got really excited about the possibility of something happening soon and couldn't wait for Kevin to wake up so I could tell him. I went back to bed, expecting to go right back to sleep. That is when I noticed my stomach really hurt. I could not sleep due to the pain so I got up and went to the living room. As I was sitting there I decided to time the pains. I was not expecting them to be exactly five minutes apart. I continued to time them for the next few hours. Around 8am I went into the bedroom and laid with Kevin. After awhile of laying down, I realized my contractions were 3/4 minutes apart. I decided we needed to head towards the hospital. I had a doctor's appointment at 3pm so I figured if my contractions stopped then I would go to the doctor's. If they didn't then I would go to the hospital.
Kevin and I rode the bus there and I knew I needed to eat in case I got admitted. I tried my hardest to eat something from McDonald's but the constant pains left me without an appetite. I ate what I could and decided that I would not make it to my appointment. Even though it was obvious something was happening, I still kept feeling like it wasn't real and I was just being a wuss. Even while I am on the side of the road breathing through the pain, I don't trust my own instinct. I ended up being that woman the nurses are staring at when I walked through the doors of Labor and Delivery and suddenly doubled over in pain. Once I was able to stand up again, they immediately got me into a bed. I was checked and they said I was at a 3 dilated. The doctor on call told me I could be awhile since it was my first baby.
I could tell he wanted to send me home to progress but after hearing I rode the bus, they gave me an hour to see if I dilated anymore and when I did, they admitted me. After this point honestly everything got blurry. I don't know why it feels this way but it is almost like I wasn't really there. Maybe it is due to the pain or exhaustion. In a way I feel like I was rushed. I was barely in the room and they were telling me about getting started on pitocin and breaking my water. They told me the epidural guy would be in after my water was broken. Ii did not mind the epidural but was not sure why I was getting pitocin when I had not even had a chance to labor. Even when I was on the pitocin, they kept upping the dose. I would say what I thought it was at and Kevin would tell me it was higher. It was really confusing. A part of me feels like I should not have been rushed like that but it was not really traumatic do I am not really that upset. It was just strange. After I had gotten admitted, Kevin called my mom and they stayed by my side the whole time.My grandparents came up and visited for awhile before going to sleep at my mother's house for the night.
Each time I got checked they told me I was closer and closer to meeting my baby. I kept telling myself I was so close to what I had been waiting for. As I was laying there, a pain in my hip kept getting worse. I told the nurses and they tried to help but the pain soon became horrendous. The epidural did not work in that one spot. Pitocin as high as possible, contractions back to back, and I can feel it in my hip. It was horrible. The nurse told me to do some practice pushes and after awhile mom and Kevin said they could see his head as it moved down. The nurse left to call the doctor.
August 29th
I was so close to being done and all I wanted was to push my baby out and meet this precious baby boy. I had my eyes closed so I could focus but I listened to mom and Kevin as they told me how well I was doing and how close he was. I let it motivate me to push as hard as I could. I could do this. Finally I heard someone tell me to open my eyes. I did and watched Landon come out and be put on my chest. He looked nothing like I had imagined yet he was perfect in my eyes. I looked up at Kevin and his face was pure love. They took Landon to be weighed. Mom went with him and I gripped Kevin's hand for dear life as the placenta was delivered and I was sewed up. After we were both done with what had to be done, they brought him over and I got to hold my sweet little boy.
I am pleased to formally introduce the newest member of this blog.
Landon L. Ellis
Born August 29th,2014 (His second due date)
5:47am
8pounds 1 ounce and 20 inches long.
August 27th
Kevin had the day off work so we were spending the day together. I was feeling down because I still had not shown any signs of labor and I felt huge and sore. We had to pick up a money order for rent and some milk so we headed to Walmart. I was enjoying being out of the house and walking so as we were leaving, I made the comment that I really wanted to keep walking but it was so hot outside. He asked if I wanted to drop the milk off at home and then walk around the mall. I said yes and within the hour we were walking into the mall. We ended up spending about five hours there walking around the stores, trying the new shake store they had just opened, and talking about the future. It was an extremely great day and little did we know, it would be the last day we had before things got exciting.
In the late afternoon we left the mall and went home. All the walking left us both tired so we just relaxed for the rest of the night.
August 28th
I woke up at 4 am and needed to use the bathroom. As I went to wipe I noticed there was a little bit of blood. I got really excited about the possibility of something happening soon and couldn't wait for Kevin to wake up so I could tell him. I went back to bed, expecting to go right back to sleep. That is when I noticed my stomach really hurt. I could not sleep due to the pain so I got up and went to the living room. As I was sitting there I decided to time the pains. I was not expecting them to be exactly five minutes apart. I continued to time them for the next few hours. Around 8am I went into the bedroom and laid with Kevin. After awhile of laying down, I realized my contractions were 3/4 minutes apart. I decided we needed to head towards the hospital. I had a doctor's appointment at 3pm so I figured if my contractions stopped then I would go to the doctor's. If they didn't then I would go to the hospital.
Kevin and I rode the bus there and I knew I needed to eat in case I got admitted. I tried my hardest to eat something from McDonald's but the constant pains left me without an appetite. I ate what I could and decided that I would not make it to my appointment. Even though it was obvious something was happening, I still kept feeling like it wasn't real and I was just being a wuss. Even while I am on the side of the road breathing through the pain, I don't trust my own instinct. I ended up being that woman the nurses are staring at when I walked through the doors of Labor and Delivery and suddenly doubled over in pain. Once I was able to stand up again, they immediately got me into a bed. I was checked and they said I was at a 3 dilated. The doctor on call told me I could be awhile since it was my first baby.
I could tell he wanted to send me home to progress but after hearing I rode the bus, they gave me an hour to see if I dilated anymore and when I did, they admitted me. After this point honestly everything got blurry. I don't know why it feels this way but it is almost like I wasn't really there. Maybe it is due to the pain or exhaustion. In a way I feel like I was rushed. I was barely in the room and they were telling me about getting started on pitocin and breaking my water. They told me the epidural guy would be in after my water was broken. Ii did not mind the epidural but was not sure why I was getting pitocin when I had not even had a chance to labor. Even when I was on the pitocin, they kept upping the dose. I would say what I thought it was at and Kevin would tell me it was higher. It was really confusing. A part of me feels like I should not have been rushed like that but it was not really traumatic do I am not really that upset. It was just strange. After I had gotten admitted, Kevin called my mom and they stayed by my side the whole time.My grandparents came up and visited for awhile before going to sleep at my mother's house for the night.
Each time I got checked they told me I was closer and closer to meeting my baby. I kept telling myself I was so close to what I had been waiting for. As I was laying there, a pain in my hip kept getting worse. I told the nurses and they tried to help but the pain soon became horrendous. The epidural did not work in that one spot. Pitocin as high as possible, contractions back to back, and I can feel it in my hip. It was horrible. The nurse told me to do some practice pushes and after awhile mom and Kevin said they could see his head as it moved down. The nurse left to call the doctor.
August 29th
I was so close to being done and all I wanted was to push my baby out and meet this precious baby boy. I had my eyes closed so I could focus but I listened to mom and Kevin as they told me how well I was doing and how close he was. I let it motivate me to push as hard as I could. I could do this. Finally I heard someone tell me to open my eyes. I did and watched Landon come out and be put on my chest. He looked nothing like I had imagined yet he was perfect in my eyes. I looked up at Kevin and his face was pure love. They took Landon to be weighed. Mom went with him and I gripped Kevin's hand for dear life as the placenta was delivered and I was sewed up. After we were both done with what had to be done, they brought him over and I got to hold my sweet little boy.
I am pleased to formally introduce the newest member of this blog.
Landon L. Ellis
Born August 29th,2014 (His second due date)
5:47am
8pounds 1 ounce and 20 inches long.
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