177 days to go
As you know, yesterday was Father's Day. Kevin and I both have reasons why Father's Day is kind of a sore subject for us. We are in no way put into a bad mood because of it but it is just kind of...akward for us. Kevin grew up without his father and mother so he never really had the experience of suprising his dad with a big breakfast or taking his dad to a football game as a present. I had father figures but it has always been a known fact that my mother has always taken the job of both my mother AND father. For me it always felt like complimenting a person who did not deserve it. How do you say "You have made me become who I am today" to someone who does the bare minimum for you. So like I said, Father's Day has always been a strange day for us.
Anyway, Kevin and I went yesterday as we do every other day. I spent the day with my mom and Kevin went to work. I saw a Facebook feed full of people either saying they had no father,wishing fathers and grandfathers in heaven a happy day,or the sadly rare ones saying how incredible a father they had or their child had. I simply said nothing. When Kevin got home he was telling me about his day and one of his coworkers had gotten a call from their child to wish him a Happy Fathers Day and Kevin was telling me all about it. Then suddenly he pauses and goes "I can't wait to be a father." and we smiled at eachother. To someone who does not know him and had not spent many nights talking about our future together, this may just be simply cute or sweet.
But I knew what he was saying. We both know how you can either repeat the cycle your family created or break it. The men he has known have been horrible and he has suffered and watched many other children he knows suffer at the hands of them. He has watched his mother suffer at the hands of them and he has spent many years without them at all. Now he knows he has the chance to break the cycle. He will one day have a little boy or girl who looks up to him and he can either let them down or try his hardest to mold them into greatness. In a way, I know that excites him but I also know it terrifies him. And I understand,trust me,I understand.
But I know I am lucky because I have a man who is willing to try his hardest. Neither of us will be perfect,but we will give it our very best shot. Just as I said about the marriage,we have to try. No matter his past, even though he still has scars from it,he has an amazing heart. He may not always go about it the best way but he is always willing to protect others he loves. I know that when he becomes a father one day, he will take the job seriously and will make sure to raise this child in a way that this child does not live in a world where they are afraid to fall asleep, or they hear their Mommy and Daddy screaming at eachother all night. Or worse.
And it makes me feel safe to know that there is a man who is just as excited to have a family with me as I am to have one with him. In a way I will have to work hard too because I have always taken the mindset that I did not need a dad and a mom can just do everything themselves. But the mother should not have to. That is what makes a mother and father so incredible,that they can be a support system for eachother. A mother can do what a woman does and a father can do what a man does and the child can benefit from both of their love. But this only works when both the mother and father are there and support eachother. When I am married and become a mother, I will have to teach myself to just relax and breathe. Just because he is stern with them during a punishment does not mean he is going to beat them up or lower their self confidence or something.
But from my experience I have told myself that no man can be a good father,that they will all hurt others,that if they raise their voice at all they are abusive, and that is not true so I have to work myself to be more positive and not so scared of men. Yes,there are bad fathers out there. But that does not mean that every one of them are. There are some incredible fathers out there just like their are incredible mothers out there. We will have to work every day to keep our family on the right path but it is something we will work on together. Not just give up because we had a bad day. Our children have been planned for so much more than hurt and pain and fear. We love the thought of them and they are not even created yet. Our pasts do not matter,in our eyes, and our parents choices do not automatically mean we will repeat them.
But from my experience I have told myself that no man can be a good father,that they will all hurt others,that if they raise their voice at all they are abusive, and that is not true so I have to work myself to be more positive and not so scared of men. Yes,there are bad fathers out there. But that does not mean that every one of them are. There are some incredible fathers out there just like their are incredible mothers out there. We will have to work every day to keep our family on the right path but it is something we will work on together. Not just give up because we had a bad day. Our children have been planned for so much more than hurt and pain and fear. We love the thought of them and they are not even created yet. Our pasts do not matter,in our eyes, and our parents choices do not automatically mean we will repeat them.
I see his childhood,not as a death sentence to our family,but as a motivation for him to be an incredible father because he will know the pain first hand he would be causing them. So one day he will get the be the father who wakes up to his kids trying to bring in a tray of chocolate chip pancakes and coffee and cuddling with them before they take him out for a fun filled day. And when that happens, none of his past will matter because he will have made a different life for himself. And our children will never know what he knows.
