When Normal Doesn't Feel Normal Anymore Part 2

     I thought I would update on how I am doing with my Postpartum Depression since it has been quite awhile since I last spoke about it. I am still currently on my prescribed meds and I honestly am not sure when I will get off. I have come to the realization that I have to be very strict about taking them at the correct time every single day. On the couple days I let the time slide, even by a couple hours, my entire day has been bad. When I do not take my meds, I feel like I am right back where I started. Kevin and I always spend the day arguing because I try to pick fights with him. Why? Because I can. Then I cry because we are fighting. Then the anxiety lasts for a couple days, even if the next day I take my meds on time. Plus I get these horrendous migraines on top of all the other symptioms. So basically, it is just easier to take my meds at the correct time.

     It is a scary thing to realize how much I need these meds because I really don't want to be on them for the rest of my life, but I am scared to not be on them and feel all the horrible things I feel when I am not on them. Yet as much as the meds help me, they do cause some symptoms that are almost worse than if I am not on them. I constantly have such a "foggy mind", it makes me feel so stupid. I have to think extra hard about everything and it is extremely hard to concentrate. I also have a terrible memory now. I got married in December, since then I have lost my ring no less than 8 times. I get to work and clock in and by the time I get to my desk, I can not remember if I clocked in or not. I have trouble having a conversation because I will lose my train of thought easily. Luckily I have not had any major things happen such as not remember where I live or forget I have work that day. But even though it is not as bad as it could be, it is still frustrating.


     Basically, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I stay on the meds, my brain does not work. If I get off the meds, my brain is wacked out on overdrive. I am almost to the end of my prescription so we will see if my doctor decided to renew it or not. I guess that will be the deciding factor for me.

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Landon's Six Month Update

Landon...Yeesh where do I even began?  Baby Landon is becoming quite the big boy. Or atleast he thinks he is.

 

Personality

This kid is funny. I knew he would be. He does this eyebrow thing that will crack you up. It is like he is trying to flirt with you, and it gets all the ladies attention. When you talk to him, he will either stare you down or smile. You never know what you will get. He has learned to bounce himself in his bouncy chair so at any given time you can look at him and he is bouncing really hard, using his arms to propel himself. He gets going really fast too. It is his own personal trampoline and he thinks he is so cool when he does it. For some reason when he is thirsty he will fake cough. It is the only time he does it. He yells at Max when Max refuses to talk to him. Max thinks our puppy is way too loud and is somewhat scared of it. Our puppy tries to poke him in the eye and laugh. Landon loves to talk/sing as he falls asleep and it is the most precious thing. He also loves to fart and copy his daddy's sneezes. Seriously, the farts though. Stinky little
 butt he has.

Growth

At his doctors appointment on March 3rd he was 17.8 pounds and 25.5 inches.

 

 

Milestones

Baby cub can roll over(both ways). He has started to attempt to get on all fours, but even now can somehow inch his way places. Just the other day I looked down and he was sitting up with no support. I was so excited and Kevin said he had been doing that for a couple days. What?!?!? I instantly took a picture. Landon just stared at me like I was overreacting. He has really gotten into his toys as well. Before he would just kind of hold them and that was it. Now he seems to prefer certain ones and will actually sit there and play with them all. It is really cute to watch.  Right before he turned six months I touched his gums and there was a tiny little razorblade coming through his gums. So...yeah...that is always fun.

 

 

Eating Habits

Landon had been on cereals since 5 months(we skipped rice and did oatmeal, multigrain, and then whole wheat. He loved oatmeal. Liked whole wheat. And tolerated multigrain.  Once he turned 6 months we started him on peas which he was NOT a fan of. I gave him a slice of avocado to munch on and he was in love with it so I mashed it into his peas and then he ate all his peas. So I guess he is a fan of avocados. Kevin does not like avocados at all so Landon must have gotten that from me. Yay!

Sleep Habits

He origionally was sleeping with us but we got a full size bed and the space was not going to work with the three of us. I ended up on the edge of the bed and was not sleeping well. Landon refused to sleep in the pack and play that we had next to the bed(apparently I hated it as a baby as well) so I thought maybe the crib would work. Kevin had to take the doors off the hinges and the crib apart, but he managed to get the crib in our room. The first night I put him in it, he slept in it fine. Since we have brought the crib into our room, he has only slept out of it one night and that was within the first week and was because I fell asleep with him. Other than that, he has slept in his crib all night every night(he occasionally wakes up during the night for a bottle) . I am so proud of him and realize I am lucky he is a good sleeper.

 

 

Favorite Things

His toys, especially his baby olaf I got him. Sucking his fingers. Taking selfies. Pretending he is on mommy's computer when she is.(He sticks his little hand on the bottom of the keyboard and thinks he is moving the finger mousepad like I do) and going on walks.

 

 

NOT Favorite Things

Landon does not like my hysterical laugh. The laugh I do when I think something is hilarious. I think it is because he thinks I am crying or something. He is fine with my normal laugh. But if I laugh like something is hilarious, he gets a pouty lip and starts crying. He also hates to be cold( he has never liked it).

 

 

Words

I swear Landon can say Hi and Mum. 

A Long Awaited Day

I know! I know! I have completely slacked at coming here to write. I officially get the "sucky blogger" award. I truly don't know what happened. One day I was going to write a post and got busy. And then BOOM, it occurs to me that the last update I wrote for Landon was his two month update. Yikes! I have really let some time past. But do not fret dear readers, I am going to catch you all up in due time. So...

I am officially Mrs. Ellis. I know, right? About freaking time! We got married on December 20th, 2014.  It was a day that both was amazing and still irks me to think about. It was amazing because, of course I was marrying my best friend and no matter what that is what matters most in the end. But it irks me because of the 50 or so people that were invites, I can count the people that showed up on about 1 and a half hands. I was very upset at the amount of people who told me they were coming and then either cancelled the day off or just simply left me watching the door for them. The people who did show up were amazing and tried to make me feel better so I am thankful for them. It just really upset me because I had made this big deal about 50 people coming so my mom and everyone bought all this amazing food and made an amazing cake and I had made all these decorations and guest book and christmas themed EVERYTHING and then we are all sitting there waiting.
 The same thing happened at my baby shower and so this time, it really pissed me off that this was happening again. At one point, Kevin tried to start our first dance and I completely shunned him in front of everyone and hurt his feelings. I still feel extremely guilty for that. I just was really upset and did not realize what he was doing. 

But this post isn't supposed to be a sad one. Even though many people decided we were not worth showing up. A select few of the invited decided we were and they were the ones who made up for the rest. A couple things were not doable because of the amount of people, but for the most part we worked with what we had. L and N got to keep most of our party favors and they were not complaining at all. Our cake looked AWESOME and we got to keep the cute toppers which are now in our house. I had a beautiful dress, even though it was two sizes too big and kept falling off of me. After our reception, my mom and her new boyfriend D(now her fiance!) bought us a room at a local hotel. So we went there and had a fun night of drinks, a buffet, and just all around fun roaming the casino. It was a really great night.

Do I wish that more people had shown up to the wedding? Yes. But what matters most is that I married the man I love. I realize that the wedding was only one day. Whether it was great or whether it was not so great, it is over and for the future all that matters is how great my marriage is. We can always renew our vows but our focus is more towards a solid marriage and keeping our family strong and loving. Even through the tears that day, there were happy tears as I saw him standing in front of me reciting his vows. He is the love of my life and now my husband. And at the end of the day, that is what matters most. Not the amount of people who were there to see it.

I tried to add some pictures to this post , but for some reason everything I try to do to add pictures does not work at all so if this post does not have pictures, I apologize.

Landon's Two Month Update

So this is technically going to be called Landon's 2 month update. But considering he is about to be 3 months old this Friday, I suppose it would be more his three month update. It can be whatever you want it to be.

 

 

Where do I even began? So much has happened this past month I don't even know how to sum it all up. I guess I will start with the biggest change. My last post described my battle with my own inner demon named Postpartum Depression. She is a lunatic and horrible to live with. She is something I would not wish on anyone in this entire world. But she is something I am slowly shutting the door on. Shortly after my post I went to the therapist. That was sort of a let down, not because anything really went wrong, just simply because...nothing really happened. The guy listened to my problems and then told me to ask my doctor for medication and if I wanted to "talk to someone" to call back and they would set me up with someone on the other side of Las Vegas and I would get in to see them "eventually" . I was just not in the mood to go out of my way to talk to someone "eventually". I was able to talk to my OBGYN and get prescribed Zoloft.

 

As soon as I filled the prescription I began taking it with the hope that it would work. And it did. In a short period of time I felt tremendously better. I have taken it every day at the exact same time(which is a big deal for me) and it has already worked so well. I still have my bad days but it is not every day and it is never as bad as it used to be. I am so happy that I was able to find a way out of the dark hole I found myself in. I am so thankful that I had a supportive family that let me work through it and didn't treat me like the horrible person I felt like I was.

 

Because I started on medication, I chose to stop breastfeeding. I had a really tough time with feeling like a failure. I wanted so badly to make it work. But it just got to be too much. I could barely keep myself functioning, let alone deal with the constant feeding and pumping and everything that goes along with it. As much as I hated the feeling of letting myself and my child down by stopping breastfeeding, it felt like such a relief when I put the pump away for the final time. I could focus on my baby and not worry about if he was eating enough or if it would hurt when he latched or "I am so tired but I have to pump before I can go to sleep.". I am still a big supporter of breastfeeding, even with my somewhat bad experience. Even with all the pain and stress, I loved feeding Landon and knowing he needed me and wanted to be held close. If we are blessed with future children I will try and breastfeed them also. I do not have any resentment towards breastfeeding and pray the next time with be a better experience for both of our sakes. I still have moments where I feel a sting of jealousy when I see a mother nursing. I wish it had worked out and I could still be doing it. But I tell myself that my baby is perfectly fine on formula and is no less happy.

 

 

Speaking of my little dude. My gosh! What a change in a month. In the last month he has gotten such a personality. His gummy smile is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Right now he is working on laughing. He tries so hard to laugh but just can't get it out. The couple times he has laughed while asleep have melted my heart. He has such an appetite too. He would eat all day if you let him, and he loves watching other people eat noisy foods(think slurping pasta and crunching chips). He does NOT like when daddy pretends to cry loudly. Or to be cold. Or if you take a second to long to do something. Impatient little guy, I have no idea where he gets it from. You still can not make him do anything like smile or look at you if he does not want to. He will be smiling for 10 minutes and the second you tell him to smile one more time, he will stare at you with such a serious face it will make YOU smile. 

 

He is trying to figure out how to move and it really pisses him off that he can't. He knows how to scoot his butt but his arms will not cooperate. So he ends up looking like an inch worm. He will just kind of inchworm his way around until he tires himself out. The boy can talk your ear off too. Last night he legitimately told me all about his day for about 5 minutes. It was adorable. He just babbled and babbled and babbled some more. All with a big smile on his face. Then suddenly just stopped talking and went to eating his hand. The best feeling in the world is him sleeping on my chest. Sometimes he does not want to be anywhere else but on my chest. He will be fussing and I will put him on me, and he instantly relaxes and starts snoring. I could stay like that forever. I miss him so much when I am at work but it just makes the time I do have with him so special.

 

I was offered full time at work so I work every day except Tuesday and Wednsday. So that adds to my missing him, but Kevin got laid off back in September so I am doing what has to be done. I go to work and he watches Landon. Everybody and their mother has something to say about the fact I am working and he is not but I truly don't care. If he was working as well, we would have to pay for childcare or stress out about our shifts working out perfectly. I am jealous of the fact he gets to snuggle Landon all day but I know Landon is in great hands. I talk to them on every break I have and all the way home. Plus I get pictures anytime I ask. I can understand other people may not see it the way I see it but I just don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. I am lucky enough to have a good job I love. He does not have the best luck with jobs.

 

So instead of us fighting with eachother over stress and me tearing him down, it just makes more sense to just do what has to be done for our son. If Kevin gets a job then we will make it work. But until then, as long as our bills are paid and we have food and whatever Landon needs, then I do not mind being the one to work.  He is the one who makes dinner and does whatever chores need to be done while I cuddle with Landon every night, so I do not feel taken advantage of. Maybe I sound like I am just making excuses, I am not trying to. I am just trying to explain that I know "tradition" says that he should be working but I do not see it that way. It means much more to me that a man takes care of me by making me dinner when I am too tired to do it. Letting me take a hot bath while he watches the baby. Tells me I am beautiful and can do anything I set my mind to. Doesn't hesitate to help me out with a crafting project because I am overwhelmed with it. Kevin does all of that and more so why would I throw that away because I happen to have a job and he doesn't.

 

I would rather be on a limited income and amazingly happy with my family, than to have millions of dollars and be miserable and treated badly. I have seen how men can treat women and what they can take from them. I am smart enough to appreciate what is and isn't important to me.

Annnnyyywaayy, kind of went off the path for a second. To sum it all up, this month has been great. I love my family and I can't wait to update you all on how much Landon has grown next month. And now for what everyone truly wants. PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

P.S- I seriously hate how my writing gets all pushed together and looks horribly edited.

When Normal Doesn't Feel Normal Anymore (Postpartum Depression)

      While I was writing my last post there was a lot of things I wanted to say but decided not to. I guess I didn't want to be thought off as a complainer or like I am not happy to be a mother.  That is not the case at all. I am completely in love with Landon and there is never a day I feel otherwise.  With that being said, in the beginning I couldn't figure out why if I am so happy with Landon....why am I so depressed? It started out small. I would cry very easily and had moments where I got a bit pissy. It was small enough that I was able to label it as hormones and push it aside. But every day that passed, I felt worse and worse. I would get angry at anyone that looked at me wrong. Heck, I would get angry even if they were not even looking at me. I would burst into tears if anyone asked me anything. Eventually, I would start crying even if nothing was even happening. Obviously this started taking a toll on Kevin and I. Kevin has been so supportive of me but a person can only take so much. He would go to hug me and I would push him away and snap at him for no reason. Even the most supportive person eventually starts getting upset when they think you are just being mean.


     Then at my 6 week appointment(it was actually before that due to me having to go back to work on October 7th) I took a questionare that tallied up your chances of having postpartum depression. I answered honestly and well....the only question that I did not mark "yes" to was the "Do you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child?" Even as unstable as I am, I have never thought about hurting my baby or myself. That is a plus I suppose. My doctor gave me a number to call to set up an appointment. It is set for October 9th. A big part of me wants to hide under a rock and never go. But I know that I need to make sure I am healthy for my son. Me feeling the way I do will only hurt him in the end. I want to be healthy and happy and that will not happen if I just pretend I am fine when I am not. I can tell myself I am just being dramatic but if I could stop feeling the way I do, then I would. So if I am unable to then maybe there is a reason why.


    Some days are better than others. Some days I wake up and go the whole day simply feeling...I don't even know what word to use. I guess sad would be the word. Sad but not really sad about anything in particular. Just the feeling. But I brush it to the back of my mind as best as I can and focus on Kevin and Landon to get through the day. They are the only thing to make me smile lately so I try to think about them and nothing else that is swirling around my mind. Those days are better than the other kinds of days. The other kinds of days make me feel like I will never feel better. On those days I am stuck in a fog of anger, tears, and being overwhelmed.

     I am not a violent person in the least bit. I never have been, no matter what. But on these days I literally get so angry that I have thoughts of punching walls.  Of course I never do because that would be ridiculous of me to hit something. I have seen peoples anger cause structual damage and it has always annoyed me to no end so I am not about to be that person. Still though, even simply having those thoughts catches me off guard since I have never gotten that angry before. But in these moments, even if nothing is around to make me mad, I suddenly am pissed and want to hit something. Even when I am not wanting to hit something, I am thinking mean thoughts. A random passerby will be in my way and my first thought is how much of an idiot they are and to get the heck out of my way(not thought that nicely). I don't even realize I am thinking that until it has already played. Or someone is trying to say hi to me and I think how they need to shut the fudge up and go away. The crazy thing is that nobody knows I even have these thoughts because I am so good at keeping my mouth shut. I have mean thoughts all day long but never say a word so nobody has any idea. It makes me feel really guilty because none of these people deserve it and I don't know why I think like this.


    It is not always anger though. More often it is tears. That is what clued my mother in before I was ever diagnosed. She would ask me a simple question and I would burst into tears. Or my feelings would get hurt when nobody was even insulting me. I probably cry atleast once a day at this point. If I magically go a day without crying, it seems the next day I cry twice the amount to make up for it. Sometimes I annoy myself because I can't even talk without crying. I am so tired of always trying to hide my face when I am hysterically crying in public. I can feel people's eyes on me, probably thinking Kevin is being a jerk or something. I sometimes feel like nobody cares that I cry anymore because I do it so much. I know if all someone did was cry whenever I talked to them, I would either not want to talk to them or when I did and they started crying, it would not even phase me anymore. I don't like that. I want to cry and people care. And it does not feel like that anymore. Heck, I don't even care when I cry anymore. I just get so sad sometimes and then the tears start flowing and then I feel worse because I am once again being a cry baby.


    Ontop of the anger and crying, the other biggest thing is the overwhelming anxiety. If anything...that is the worst. I can deal with being pissy. I can deal with crying. But when the anxiety hits it literally feels like the world is caving in. The other night I was taking a bath and was perfectly fine. Kevin walked in and told me that our landlord had asked me to write up something for her. It was going to be no more than a paragraph. I lost my mind. Burst into tears and was completely overwhelmed. It truly felt like I had millions of things to do and was exhausted. He asked me what I had to do other than that, and I realized I did not actually have that much to do. But it felt like it. I was suddenly so tired and could not focus on what I needed to do. I was so anxious for no reason and it happened in a split second and lasted the rest of the night. I felt like I was being attacked from all angles and would never get everything done. That was just one example. I have many days where Landon will be perfectly fine and then I will have a thought about his possibly choking while I am sleeping and I will be terrified for hours. He is fine yet I can't calm down. When I go to work, I have this fear that something will happen to Kevin and Landon while I am gone and it will be all my fault for leaving. It will be all I can think about until I get home where they are perfectly fine and nothing is wrong. Then I feel like an idiot. I have this horrible thought that CPS will show up and take him from us for me being a crap mother. I know deep down that CPS has actual bad mothers to worry about and nobody is going to take my baby for me crying a lot. Even when I am having a bad day, I still take care of him and he does not suffer. I know that deep down, yet in those moments it is terrifying. I hate when I feel anxious because it is so scary to think about ALL the bad things that can happen to me, Kevin, and Landon. Not to mention how exhausting it obviously gets after awhile. Nobody should constantly be worried about stuff happening that has little to no chance of ever occurring.


   I know one day I will feel better. One day I will not be so overwhelmed and emotional. I keep getting told it happens to many women. That is a nice thought and all. Why me though? Why did it have to happen to me? I do not want to feel this way. I want to be happy and fun and make everyone like being around me. I do not want to randomly be depressed or angry. I do not want to have trouble thinking because my mind is foggy. I want the headaches to go away. I am thankful I am not worse, for example hitting people or being downright vicious or hurting myself. I know some women deal with that stuff and I am glad I caught it in time. I just want to feel better. I want to be strong for my family.

 This was a really hard post to write. I want this blog to be a happy place but I know that this is a problem that is kept secret far too often and if someone who is dealing with PPD sees this, I want them to know they are not alone and to be honest with themselves as well. It is scary to admit that you are hurting. I am very scared of being judged or people thinking I need to be supervised with Landon. I am not a danger to anyone, I just am really sad. But I am always scared to be honest with people because I feel like they might think I am. I will get through this, I am determined to. I will go to the mental health appointment tomorrow and I will do whatever I have to do to fix this problem. My son deserves a mother that is happy and healthy so I will make sure I am that for my family and myself.

One Month Pictures